What I do, what I want to achieve. Not about me. Change the world. End abuse. Voice for the voiceless.

I’ve only had a taste of some darker things. I know there are others still suffering, and suffering worse than I. So I am here to pick myself back up because I’m still alive, post-trauma, stronger than before and I won’t be kept down. I won’t be silent anymore. I will help others and I will open the eyes of the ignorant. If they refuse to accept truth, I will change society so it puts the shame on the abusers and the cowards who enable them, instead shaming victims who want to speak up. I will say my story for those who cannot have the courage to say theirs. Until we all have the courage to stand together, I will take the backlash of standing alone. It’s the right thing to do. This isn’t about me, or attention. Just like D.I.D. is not about attention-getting either. This is survival. This is the only thing that heals me.  Part of me feels guilt for not being strong enough to speak up sooner, and maybe I could have protected some people. This is not easy, I just have no other choice, I’ve been thrown into this destiny. I just can’t stay silent when I have the knowledge that others need to know. If I have the power to help, I must, or I am just as guilty as those committing the crimes.

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For starters, let’s vent about my childhood rapist being helped because he was blood family….He was not charged, didn’t have to register as a sex offender, and was reintroduced into my life after he only spent 2 years in a “home for troubled boys,” as we all pretend the horrible didn’t happen to me….

I want my validation. I want everyone to admit they made the wrong choice. I don’t hate anyone, I just want them to see and take my side now. Even if they cannot, I will learn to heal past it. I am telling my story to inform parents and help future victims. I am here to show from my experience and point of view, what it’s like growing up being taught that the one who hurt you is the one who needs help.” It sort of makes you feel guilty for being angry if the adults can’t be angry.

I’m here to say, there is no saving a rapist and “making them a better man.” My story is obvious truth for it. They thought they could save him, but he grew up into an abuser, druggie, thief, who re-victimized me in other ways by being in my life still. I would have done better if he was permanently sent away. The rest of the world would have been protected by his later actions too. Rapists deserve life in prison. ESPECIALLY a child rapist. If the rapist was a child themselves, even still. The age of the rapists does not change the fact that they could not discern basic human empathy that “no means no.” The fact is, every rapist no matter what age wants to keep it secret. Only people who know they have something to hide know to keep a secret. Even child perps were aware that what they were doing was wrong. It wasn’t like they had no way of knowing, it should not have to be said that we don’t force ourselves on people. It should have been explained to them as a toddler in diapers about personal space and not touching other people. Rapists have a permanent psychological defect that affects every action and choice they make. They will always be a danger to society. You cannot fix this. It is better to accept this and protect society from people who deserve no compassion,  no “first offense” dismissal. No way to allowing a first offense of rape as an option. How can that even be an option? Murder is murder, rape is rape. We don’t say, well, this is the first time you murdered someone, so we will just give you community service. (yes there are light sentences but nothing this extreme, which actually happens with rape cases where they mostly just get probation and community service)

I’m recovering memories in therapy. I am getting help for the Complex PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder I live with. In my memories is me being sexually abused by a child of about 11 when I was about 3. My abuse didn’t stop until I told someone at age 8 and the boy was then 16 years old. I don’t even know if anyone but me knows all the truth because I cannot make sense of what happened after I told. I don’t know how they would think it was okay to put a victim back in contact with a rapist. For some reason, because he was a minor, because he was family, and because we had this Catholic faith that screams forgiveness, they decided it was a better choice to help him and not give him a criminal record. If I had waited two more years he would have been tried in court as an adult. Two years made a difference. Sent to a home for troubled boys, got psychological help, and at 18 he had case management and life coaches helping him. He got help getting his high school diploma. Helped him get situated in an apartment and a job. I on the other hand, I dropped out because of my DID and agoraphobia and never attained a diploma. After it happened, 8 year old me received only about 6 months of group therapy when one of my parents made a comment that I don’t have to go if I don’t feel I need to go to therapy. I’m sure it meant to make me not feel forced, but I never wants showed any reluctance to go. In fact, as someone who didn’t have any friends most my youth, I felt like I had a group of friends. Yet…I wanted them to think I was okay. My parents said if I was okay, I didn’t have to go. Well what do you think compassionate Catholic 8 year old me wanted? I wanted to be okay, wanted my family to be okay, wanted my parents to think I was okay because it’s what they wanted. So, I said I didn’t want to go back, when I did. I wasn’t okay. I had many problems after, but for some reason my parents never saw I needed any help. They were focused on my other sibling who had violence issues. At 15 years old I had to practically beg for therapy and it was like my family forgot all about the fact that I could still have a reason to need it. I wasn’t okay. It was destroying me all the time, as I dissociated to survive.

For some reason they thought he was a *child* who could be helped like what he did wasn’t as horrific as a bloody murder scene. Had he murdered me, could they been as forgiving? Could they invite him over for holiday dinners and give him gifts too while I was in a grave? I guess he was just a boy being a boy doing a natural thing and I’m a female made to handle that so I will survive it, it’s what nature intended. It was just embarrassing so I can just forgive him, it didn’t REALLY damage me…..Right? These are the thoughts in my head. So, if they didn’t think it was that bad how could I? If they didn’t hate him how could I? If they thought what he did was forgivable and he should be loved, then so should I right?

I had to dissociate parts of myself and my reality so I could live a lie like I was okay. Because my parents and other adults made the decision for me that I was okay and what he did really wasn’t that bad. I cannot make sense of it. I know I love my parents, that they meant to try to keep the family together and of course I understand it’s more comfortable to want things to be normal like a tragedy never happened. I just don’t understand why they minimized rape. I feel it was their own nervous breakdown, maybe it was even selfish. No way to know for sure. It was probably pretty easy to do, considering I didn’t seem to have a problem with it and seemed okay.

Why though did they think I was okay? Well, I had my dissociative disorder to help me. Honestly, they could not have known. I feel because of me appearing okay, it was easy for them to convince themselves everything could be okay. I really don’t hate them for wanting this life, but I need to tell my story so no one else makes this mistake. My parents did the best they could, and in therapy I have come to understand that they could not have known. There wasn’t any way for them to know I had “multiple personalities.” I do not blame them because I don’t know what I’d do if I were in that situation. You just don’t want to believe a little cute sweet boy you remember grew up into a monster. It must have been traumatic to my family to find this out and they just blocked it out, unable to see. Unable to handle it. Now though, the need to face the reality.

With rapists, no amount of behavioral therapy can reverse this defect in their brain. Even if you got to them early as still a minor. Even worse if caught actually having raped another child (like my rapist). So, these people need to be kept away from society because anyone who can rape (especially raping children) have proven their inability to empathize and you cannot force someone to feel emotions they cannot feel. This is how their brain is working permanently. NO pill can make you feel emotions. It’s time we stop trying to “protect the family” (or family name) and we start protecting the children. As well as society. Expose the rapists so everyone knows who they are. Don’t hide them. Don’t care about their discomfort and happiness.

I shouldn’t have to say this but NEVER EVER PUT A VICTIM IN CONTACT WITH A RAPIST AGAIN AFTER IT HAPPENS! Not even  if they were family. I don’t know how you can forgive raping a child, honestly. The justification is absurd. If two children are involved, you must then forget that fact and see a victim and a perpetrator.

Discard rapists. Ostracize them. Exile them. They are worthless human beings. They will never do good. They will only selfishly take what they want. The government will likely always be wasting money either to support them or arrest them, so save the trouble and save money by not letting them out to wreak havoc. Even if they don’t break the law, they are somewhere breaking a human being’s soul. They are sociopaths. They are narcissists. They will NEVER BE GOOD PEOPLE. Life in prison for child rapists, or at least long enough where they are too physically weak to be any threat, is the only way to protect children. You can’t expect someone to stop being straight or gay and you also can’t expect someone to stop being a pedophile either as their sexual orientation. I wish I could say people have control, but sex is a strong impulse that has shown to override logic.  Since its considered “extreme” and unfair and “inhuman” to just take their sex organs to lower their sexual abilities, then we must lock them out of the world, away from society. One or the other needs to take place.

I will share my story. Everyone will know the truth. This world has got to change. No more shame on me for I am allowed to speak my story and I will show you that YOU are the only one with uncomfortable feelings about it. Good. I’ve gotten over mine. I’ve been living with this my whole life and now I’m healing. It’s time everyone else is made a little uncomfortable. Then maybe they will do something about it.

I feel if I must spend a life in the prison of my body, a permanent crime scene I can never escape, then so should they be suffering life in prison. I will never be okay, though I will learn to survive. I am alive, but my life was taken from me. The life I could have lived, had this not been done.

Hear me.

See me.

Witness US

WE matter.

Innocent children matter.

RAPISTS DO NOT MATTER.