I miss time a lot, even in the middle of therapy. I often don’t remember arriving or leaving. Sometimes in the middle I don’t know what we are talking about. As I try to connect internally I have been able to get some information that is missing….But this is all. It’s not that much. *Sigh* it’s an uncomfortable experience trying to retrieve this information. It’s funny, with Dissociative Identity Disorder you want to know but at the same time you fear it because somewhere inside you know you cannot know. I mean, that’s why you became separated in the first place. That’s why each one of us fights so hard to be separate from the other. We all inside fear the outcome of our collision. That’s my theory….
Anyway, here are some short snippets I’ve gathered. As I said, not very much information.
- Eloise, young and usually happy, easily gets upset. She does not like boys. Seeing them upsets her. She also got mad about wearing pink. Blue is her favorite color. Gets upset about pink clothes that parents “always put on Jessica.” Saying she was only good if she was something pretty to show. Something about “always gotta be pretty pink. Pretty pretty pink, pretty pretty jessica!” Starting to get hysterical. Said nobody cared about Jessica. She was asked if she wanted to draw and was given a pen and paper. . Drew a picture of an imaginary happy place of fairy and gnome people who lived in mushroom houses. The distractions tried had calmed her.
- Morrighan showed up the week of my daughter’s birthday. I don’t remember that whole week. She said she was there to do what was planned to do in therapy. It was hard not having my daughter on her birthday so it was suggested I have a little birthda celebration of my daughter for myself, and this was to be during therapy to help me through the experience. However, I was not there. So , Morrighan filled in. She brought things to represent what we would do to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. Showed a dress I had for her. Brought ice cream cupcakes from Dairy Queen. Had miscellaneous presents in the back of the car but did not bring in (too much stuff). She talks about how she’s the one that gets things done. She talks about how she is upset about the situation but she isn’t going to “break down” like the rest of us. She says she fears nothing, not even death. She doesn’t see the point in fearing the inevitable, that energy better spent on trying to best it and survive.
- Connie shows up, not making eye contact. Talks about how she hurts all the time but doesn’t want others to hurt like her. At first refuses to say her name stating “I’m not supposed to tell.” Eventually she says her name. She says she doesn’t know of a safe place. Says she’s never seen one. Says she wouldn’t even know what one looks like. She doesn’t know what “safe” feels like.
- June comes out in a fit of anger and expresses her intelligence and how everyone else is wrong. She goes from having a shy polite demeanor to a fit of rage screaming and being sarcastic, annoying, and even insulting. She may reach a stress level that leads to self-harm or other self-destructive behavior. She doesn’t believe in religion but believes some sort of God is trying to win her over. She is agnostic and tries to find a scientific reason that religions or God are a reality, using logic but never deciding she has enough to know either way. She is the artist and most of the sketches done are hers. When she is calm she likes to think a lot and learn what she can. She likes to read. She has amassed a lot of random knowledge that she will talk about. That makes her happy. When listened to in therapy, and being told “Oh okay, I get it. Now I understand why you are angry,” was a sort of validation she needed.
- Bel is my only male counterpart. He shows up to have a laugh and be a bit sarcastic. Shows anger but more controlled, although talks of actions that are more of a destructive level than things like say, June would do, to lash out. He is willing to go to extreme measures to get attention. Although his extreme measures are more trouble than help by instigating more problems. He thinks they get what they deserve, his angry outburst for the way they treat little children. Really revenge focused.
- Suzy shows up happy and carefree. Laughs at people who try to get mad at her for a few issues at work, that were us just doing our best. She talks about how she wants to have fun and enjoy life and she makes the “children” happy because they like to play dress up, and she is the one who usually would go all out to look pretty and attractive with hair, makeup, outfit.
- Morgana shows up just laughing. She appeared when I was questioned about how did I survive my childhood? I blanked when I tried to think about my childhood, and that’s when she appeared. She acted like she could laugh at anything….No matter how scary, sick, twisted, mean…Anything done to her, or said to try to upset her. She feels invincible. She was asked if she feels any pain. She just grinned and shook her head. She talked about how she doesn’t want to stay in one spot too long, and hates sitting still. When asked why, she explained because there is always something to do, something to see. She is always finding a home in chaos.
- Jey shows up from the beginning and stays the whole time. Says to use pronouns “they/them” because Jey wants nothing to do with gender or stereotypes. Jey wants to be whatever Jey wants, without restriction or a preconceived idea of expectations. THEY work hard to appear more androgynous but still “pretty” although focus in attire emphasizes more masculine characteristics, sleeves to show off muscle, shirt straight to high curves, sports bra or several tanks layered to appear a more masculine chest. Although, generally the face still feminine but facial expressions very blank and questioning. Not sweet or adorable like a girl would express. Jey says, they know everything. Jey says, “I understand how they came to be. But I don’t understand how I don’t have control over them anymore. They have become their own ‘little monsters’….” when talking about the others. Jey is strange and aloof, THEY are hard to follow, talking like you know the story between the lines.
Well, that is all we have for now. That is only about half the alters. So they all have not made an appearance. Some I believe mostly are affecting me internally and only came out once in my lifetime in an extreme occasion. Unless some sort of terror similar is recreated, you aren’t going to *see* them but they will be felt and cause a change in me.
Wonder who will show next? I want them all to say their piece. I want them all to be heard. I want to be heard. I want this internal war to end and stop with the hide and seek of memories. Let me live my life. Let us live our life.