Alters appearing in therapy.

I miss time a lot, even in the middle of therapy. I often don’t remember arriving or leaving. Sometimes in the middle I don’t know what we are talking about. As I try to connect internally I have been able to get some information that is missing….But this is all. It’s not that much. *Sigh* it’s an uncomfortable experience trying to retrieve this information. It’s funny, with Dissociative Identity Disorder you want to know but at the same time you fear it because somewhere inside you know you cannot know. I mean, that’s why you became separated in the first place. That’s why each one of us fights so hard to be separate from the other. We all inside fear the outcome of our collision. That’s my theory….

Anyway, here are some short snippets I’ve gathered.  As I said, not very much information.

  • Eloise, young and usually happy, easily gets upset. She does not like boys. Seeing them upsets her. She also got mad about wearing pink. Blue is her favorite color. Gets upset about pink clothes that parents “always put on Jessica.” Saying she was only good if she was something pretty to show. Something about “always gotta be pretty pink. Pretty pretty pink, pretty pretty jessica!” Starting to get hysterical. Said nobody cared about Jessica. She was asked if she wanted to draw and was given a pen and paper. . Drew a picture of an imaginary happy place of fairy and gnome people who lived in mushroom houses. The distractions tried had calmed her.
  • Morrighan showed up the week of my daughter’s birthday. I don’t remember that whole week. She said she was there to do what was planned to do in therapy. It was hard not having my daughter on her birthday so it was suggested I have a little birthda celebration of my daughter for myself, and this was to be during therapy to help me through the experience. However, I was not there. So , Morrighan filled in. She brought things to represent what we would do to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. Showed a dress I had for her. Brought ice cream cupcakes from Dairy Queen. Had miscellaneous presents in the back of the car but did not bring in (too much stuff). She talks about how she’s the one that gets things done. She talks about how she is upset about the situation but she isn’t going to “break down” like the rest of us. She says she fears nothing, not even death. She doesn’t see the point in fearing the inevitable, that energy better spent on trying to best it and survive.
  • Connie shows up, not making eye contact. Talks about how she hurts all the time but doesn’t want others to hurt like her. At first refuses to say her name stating “I’m not supposed to tell.” Eventually she says her name. She says she doesn’t know of a safe place. Says she’s never seen one. Says she wouldn’t even know what one looks like. She doesn’t know what “safe” feels like.
  • June comes out in a fit of anger and expresses her intelligence and how everyone else is wrong. She goes from having a shy polite demeanor to a fit of rage screaming and being sarcastic, annoying, and even insulting. She may reach a stress level that leads to self-harm or other self-destructive behavior. She doesn’t believe in religion but believes some sort of God is trying to win her over. She is agnostic and tries to find a scientific reason that religions or God are a reality, using logic but never deciding she has enough to know either way. She is the artist and most of the sketches done are hers. When she is calm she likes to think a lot and learn what she can. She likes to read. She has amassed a lot of random knowledge that she will talk about. That makes her happy. When listened to in therapy, and being told “Oh okay, I get it. Now I understand why you are angry,” was a sort of validation she needed.
  • Bel is my only male counterpart. He shows up to have a laugh and be a bit sarcastic. Shows anger but more controlled, although talks of actions that are more of a destructive level than things like say, June would do, to lash out. He is willing to go to extreme measures to get attention. Although his extreme measures are more trouble than help by instigating more problems. He thinks they get what they deserve, his angry outburst for the way they treat little children. Really revenge focused.
  • Suzy shows up happy and carefree. Laughs at people who try to get mad at her for a few issues at work, that were us just doing our best. She talks about how she wants to have fun and enjoy life and she makes the “children” happy because they like to play dress up, and she is the one who usually would go all out to look pretty and attractive with hair, makeup, outfit.
  • Morgana shows up just laughing. She appeared when I was questioned about how did I survive my childhood? I blanked when I tried to think about my childhood, and that’s when she appeared. She acted like she could laugh at anything….No matter how scary, sick, twisted, mean…Anything done to her, or said to try to upset her. She feels invincible. She was asked if she feels any pain. She just grinned and shook her head. She talked about how she doesn’t want to stay in one spot too long, and hates sitting still. When asked why, she explained because there is always something to do, something to see. She is always finding a home in chaos.
  • Jey shows up from the beginning and stays the whole time. Says to use pronouns “they/them” because Jey wants nothing to do with gender or stereotypes. Jey wants to be whatever Jey wants, without restriction or a preconceived idea of expectations. THEY work hard to appear more androgynous but still “pretty” although focus in attire emphasizes more masculine characteristics, sleeves to show off muscle, shirt straight to high curves, sports bra or several tanks layered to appear a more masculine chest. Although, generally the face still feminine but facial expressions very blank and questioning. Not sweet or adorable like a girl would express. Jey says, they know everything. Jey says, “I understand how they came to be. But I don’t understand how I don’t have control over them anymore. They have become their own ‘little monsters’….” when talking about the others. Jey is strange and aloof, THEY are hard to follow, talking like you know the story between the lines.

Well, that is all we have for now. That is only about half the alters. So they all have not made an appearance. Some I believe mostly are affecting me internally and only came out once in my lifetime in an extreme occasion. Unless some sort of terror similar is recreated, you aren’t going to *see* them but they will be felt and cause a change in me.

Wonder who will show next? I want them all to say their piece. I want them all to be heard. I want to be heard. I want this internal war to end and stop with the hide and seek of memories. Let me live my life. Let us live our life.


My thoughts about how dissociative amnesia is required for D.I.D., co-consciousness, and how D.I.D. only happens to children, not adults.

This was a reply I wrote in a forum for DID support. It was in relation to if and why amnesia is a requirement for a D.I.D. diagnosis. First of all, people seem to forget the fact that its *dissociative* identity for a reason, that you must dissociate your identity completely so you are not involved in what’s happening, so another identity can form instead. It’s mostly people know nothing about child development or how the brain works. They also don’t know that Dissociative Identity Disorder is one of many disorders on a dissociative disorder spectrum. Here’s my explanation.

I feel the problem with all this confusion is people don’t understand how we form our sense of self in childhood or that we don’t have any spatial concept when we are first born. We don’t know that other people are other people or that we are one person ourselves. We are just beginning to form that understanding. During this critical developmental stage, if there are traumatic incidents interfering, then its harder to integrate your experiences because you don’t know what your body is yet. THIS IS WHY ONLY CHILDREN GET D.I.D AND ADULTS JUST GET PTSD.
I think the point is, as DID starts usually to escape a repeated childhood trauma, you would not want to remember it. You completely separate yourself as you haven’t become a fully developed person in the world yet, and leave a blank shell behind with nothing but basic instincts. That shell, with more experiences, like any newborn child, begins to learn and have opinions based on the experiences that part has. Because you are not there to offer any previous memories or opinion on the situation, it becomes it’s OWN separate being.

You have alters to protect you because you don’t want to be there. If you don’t forget or lose time ever, then you don’t completely separate, then there is no “alter.” Each alter generally has a specific purpose or represents a certain aspect of you that maybe you can’t accept about yourself. The co-consciousness I believe takes practice (it does for me and most I think who know they have DID and are getting counseling to learn) so if you have “always felt co-conscious” then you are just always *you* with a dissociative moment and feeling something like depersonalization or derealization. Or some other disorder like it.

If there is no separation, there can be no individual to develop as their own separate part with separate feelings and separate memories from you. Literally impossible to be separate without separation. No separation=no alter. You just need to work on not feeling disconnected and numb to your body, most likely.

The thing is, EVERY ONE HAS MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES. Everyone is a different person in different situations when around different people. The only difference between us with DID and those without is THEY CAN OWN ALL THEIR EXPERIENCES. And WE can’t. So yes, I feel amnesia must be there in the beginning at least, and it takes awareness of them to try to be co-conscious. Though after the traumatic event is over, they may only affect you internally and not come out (because they were only triggered to come out in such a circumstance that created them.) I have “little me’s” still stuck in the abuse that I suffered that don’t know it’s over (stuck in “trauma time” they say) . Because I froze that moment in time and don’t want those memories, so they keep them for me. Until I can handle and live life with the knowledge, unbroken.

You cannot *always* be co-conscious, from day one. There would be no way for an alter to have an experience that is totally their own that would shape their personality. To be co-conscious is to be aware. To be aware takes practice and as a child I’m sure you are not aware of what you are doing. You are using your natural survival skills to escape and don’t know about the shell you left behind, because you are just a child trying to survive a horrific event. You hid somewhere in your mind, completely unaware of what was happening so you were safe. While you were gone, of course another identity will develop.

Plus, I want to point out, naturally many people have phobias of the inner experiences so often time avoid the alters, consciously or unconsciously. They generally represent some uncomfortable things, and that’s what they are there to do, to hold that information so you don’t have to, so you can live your life as you without the trauma.

Think of it this way, if you had not experienced the things that happened to you, who would you be? Conversely, if you experienced something new, it would change who you are, would it not? So alters have different experiences, that’s why they become different “you’s.” They are the sum of who *you* are in *that set of experiences* that *only they know.* Until they share that information with you and you unlock the doors to your DID. Which takes practice and awareness. And once you are aware, you have to get yourself to love and accept all parts of you and own your entire history in order to do integration. That’s my two cents. Probably too much information to make my point though I tried to be as concise and easy to understand as possible.