Dissociation lets me handle this in doses. Dissociation lets me not feel all of it. I can do somethings some other parts can’t do. I am Erzsebet. I am writing this right now to help. That’s mostly what I do. Help out.
Dissociation is us.
We all have different opinions on this but let me tell you the gift it gave us:
A “Normal Jess.”
She lived her life (our life) like nothing ever happened. Yeah she was shy and weird and people seemed to act odd around her, and she could never place why. Yet she held her head up high with dreams of being like the super heroes she read about who fought for peace and love. The families willing to die for families. The followers of faith in love who could die happy if it was dying for goodness sake. She wanted to be like them, wanting to believe they could even exists. If they could, why could she not be one?
This Jess, see, she never met any of us. She never understood why She had some random weird feelings. Feelings of fear and discomfort when around family or males, or feelings of loneliness when surrounded by people she should have been okay to talk to. She had a family, with a mom and a dad who always took good care of her, and four older brothers who were mean like any brothers can be but they were funny and nice and still loved her too. Yet something inside was missing and she found herself often sitting on the porch at night looking at the stars, searching. Screaming in her mind, begging someone to answer. Some of us felt sad for her, and our heart ached. Parts want to sooth the pain.
Slowly, we began answering her when she gazed at the night. Quietly, gently we were talking to her. She didn’t always respond. Yet we heard her thinking over the things we said. She didn’t quite understand what this was but it was so rare she didn’t much think about it being a problem. There was just these quiet voices that seemed far away and she just thought maybe that was some weird memory of someone else’s voice. She had no reason to think anything bad about it or herself. It wasn’t like she saw people standing next to her talking to her.
Then one day, she met us, shall we say, “in person.” She was there. We were there standing in front of her. All at once. Here now we are in this room and she saw us all. How she found us, we are not entirely certain. It started with prayer, became a sort of trance, and then she was there, in the depths of her mind. She used this visualization to represent a self discovery into the depths of her mind that she had a feeling were “hidden.” Then, she found a house in the woods, down a long path at the end of a tall grassy field.
Morrighan stands on the porch and utters the words “Shit. It’s Jess.” It catches the attention of several of us, but several more of us run and hid. Jey directed them away, and they lock the door behind them.
On this day Jessica met some of us. And she heard our memories, our first hand account stories. And she remembered the days in group therapy seemed to give us hope. We wanted to be like those people who believed in helping hurt little children. Helping anyone, really, become happier and feel safe. We began reading into psychology. Our years of looking at the stars wanting to be an astronomer to search outward, now became a study of an inward universe. Oh, and what stars we discovered. Jess didn’t really understand what happened to us because she never felt it, didn’t known all the facts because some were kept from her, but she felt empathy for our pain.
Now, as a person who seems to have this normal functioning brain, she can look at us in a way that we can’t, caught deep in this web. She can see what the psychologists see. She can understand the inner workings of the possible causes. She knows everything psychology knows, and we know everything they don’t. With the help of both these sides, she forms some interesting hypotheses that are unique.
Because we can have our own neutral person with an understanding of psychology, we have been able to do much of our therapy ourselves. Working on internal communication. Working on keeping as many of us present as possible. Helping younger ones mature and “age” so we can be on the proper level for adulthood. Sometimes though, it becomes exhausting. We need a little extra help every now and then. Just like anyone who eats healthy and exercises but has to occasionally see a doctor.
With the therapy Jess had done research into, she eventually unlocked the door where Jey hid behind and took others (including myself) with them. By the way, I say “they/them” because Jey is the androgyny who wants to remain genderless. She didn’t so much unlock the door as reawaken Jey and catch their attention so they began releasing the others and the information they kept one by one.
We are also caught in this conflict. Now that we know all of us, we began to search others like us. Many parts of us can see things from a perspective that many others do, whom also have dissociative identities or are plural identities. A type of perspective that sort of inhibits connecting us all and complete integration. While there is this part free of all the nonsense of abuse who just sees psychology. And this “Normal Jess” can see a perspective where psychologists agree that this is a disorder in life and self awareness, and can be repaired or reconnected.
The gift of Normal Jess lets us get an understanding of how others view us. We then know how to better change the views of them if we can better understand what they see that causes misconceptions. Only through others eyes can we know how they see.
There has come a bit of self hate with it. Jess wishes we would go away sometimes, even once tried to tell us to go away, screaming like she could command us. That’s not how this works. We are not entirely sure how this works, but pretty sure so far the understanding is, unless we all can get along, we can’t get ANYWHERE.
Integration or co-conscious, we are now aware of us all. As well as now becoming aware that there seems to be more than ONE “Jess.” We also mostly now accept our birth name, and understand it’s who we actually are. I mean common practice proves that you are physically born and parents pick your name. So none of us can deny this body or our given name, but we retain our names because we still have separate sets of memories and experiences. It is my question to wonder if we just learn to function as one externally, and we agree upon a uniform to have. So that everything out of this mouth is something voted on and we each still get our own special moments but we all can share the joy. Believing this and feeling full integration is something that maybe doesn’t actually occur, but nobody will dare point it out.The thing is, you cannot time travel back in time. You cannot make a part live an experience they didn’t live. Just like I feel having something happen to a person’s body while unconscious will be a completely different experience if said person had been awake. Then just the same, so we seem to be forever separate in our past memories. This is something I think many integrated don’t even realize but is true for everyone. You can’t relive so you can’t integrate all experiences.
The gift of Normal Jess let us become a normal Jess as needed. It is necessary to survive in this world. The gift of Normal Jess will give us a spokesperson who can listen to the psychology mumbo jumbo and repeat it back to us so we understand it or repeat back our opinion about it. The gift of Normal Jess is a better understanding and compromise between us dissociative identities and the psychology world.
The gift of Normal Jess seems to let us be able to do somethings others can’t or have no interest in doing. Which is, further study into just how “crazy” or not we really are. Study of the brain’s physical functions in connection to awareness. Further examination into if we need to change or if we can’t even. We want to live our lives. She is working on making our lives something livable, I suppose.
We will just see if she gets any attention or opens any minds in the field of psychology or in the realm of others who are dissociative. We will just see if she finds a way to heal us and stop us from having a dysfunctional life like we have sometimes. Not because of having separate identities, but because of the things needed to heal in each of these hurt and suffering identities.
We want you to know this one truth: The identities are NOT the problem. They are all valid equal parts of the whole being you see before you. The problem is the pain and disorder each identity feels.
We all are different people in different situations. And on this Christmas day, we prepare to let Normal Jess do her thing and be presentable. In the face our our distress, she is “Normal Jess” here to save us. Family and holidays are not easy with suffering done by the hands of family and with suffering of family loved and lost.