Internal dialog, internal conflict and arguments with selves with D.I.D… We are all very real, very different. Very opinionated

I’ve been thinking about our therapy and integration…and here’s the thing….I can’t imagine us existing any differently than we do. I mean, I feel some of y’all will never see the bright side as much as I can. I see some times you are afraid of excitement which I crave. I feel it is sort of “normal” to be this way. Instead of us splitting in the embryo physically, could we have just split *consciously*? So, in essence, my mother gave birth to multiples without knowing. And here we are!

But what about the correlation between child abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, domestic violence, and dissociative identity disorder? Can we ignore such strong points for cause?

Well, we can see the correlation between DID and child abuse, but we also see many children do not develop DID. So what’s the difference between the kids that do and the ones that don’t? There has to be something we are missing…

Here’s a thought, WHAT IF it just so happens that a lot of “naturally born multiples” exist so they are equally mixed in with the non-multiples who are victims? Maybe because we are more common than anyone knows, we can even show up a lot in abuse cases as a decent sized number within the general public.

So…what are you saying? How did we become multiples then?

Well, I’m saying we don’t really have that answer yet. It could be though, that we are already born multiples and the abuse caused us to dissociate our awareness of each other. So, a “dissociative identity disorder” would still be an accurate statement if we identities can’t connect. Instead of integrating as one identity, though, its just healing to be the many you were meant to be.

……….(sighing and silence)……..

…Huh. Some perplexing things to think about. My head hurts. I’m done.

So ends the discussion in our head. I am Dissociative Jess and I have been taking the “minutes” of this “meeting.” Ha-ha! This is a collection of a conversation going on inside our mind here. This is several alters talking to each other as I’m just listening in. It has been happening on and off all day, hearing their opinions.

Here I have not “switched” each time anyone was speaking, it was not like each alter was typing here. I am the one typing, merely documenting the separate conversations that go on inside my head. This was going so fast, I couldn’t quite catch for sure who it was discussing. That’s why I merely used different colors to denote another alter identity speaking. If I am able to pull the information later, get some cooperation, then I will edit with names correlating to colors at the end here.

This is how separate we are, how much it’s intrusive and beyond my control, how apart from me it is. I can’t always know who it is speaking. I just know it’s not me. We are so separate, they all can speak at once and it would be just as hard to understand as a group physically in front of you. Just a lot of noise with people talking over one another. I am documenting this to help people understand the differences between us. I am documenting examples of conflict or differences of opinions.

Over all, I am documenting this to show how real my situation is as a “multiple.” This is a very real experience for me. I am writing this on a notepad as it happened and then I’m transferring it to my blog. This is so you know, I’m not just waiting for an audience so I can “act a part.” This happens when I’m alone or with people (and often it goes unnoticed when I’m talking inside my mind but people have mentioned my “blank stare” or not hearing them), and this is my reality. It’s just time that the world of psychology as well as the general population start paying attention to us as a reality. Stop trying to “dissociate our existence” away because YOU can’t handle it.

We’re learning to deal with denial of our existence too, but it makes sense why we would. It doesn’t make sense why we can’t get help or research. Okay psychology….Don’t let bruised egos and closed minds interfere with the study of a real psychological phenomenon largely mysterious because of ignorance and misunderstood.

We all are real, and until we do more research we cannot understand how we got here. Until we understand what we are, we cannot live in control of our lives. Until the world knows about us and understands us, they cannot stop living afraid of us or threatened by us. Until the world understands, we cannot stop being afraid of the world either.

Time to see real people in real need for help. The how’s and why’s are not so important. Even among us internally, even among the outward community of multiples, there is discourse over how and what we are, and we need to move beyond it. The reasons of how and why even could be different in a case by case basis but we don’t even have ONE case to start with. We don’t know for sure, we just all have our strong beliefs on it. I just don’t feel it’s very responsible of the medical and scientific community to leave a group of struggling individuals left alone to make guesses about what they are. One thing we do know for sure: For some reason there are individuals struggling to be present, know all of themselves, and be in control of their reality. That is real no matter what, and this needs attention and acknowledgement by the psychology community once and for all.

Do your job and study the minds that need understanding. Hear us speak up now. Or hear us roar. We won’t be ignored. This part here is not Jess writing anymore. As she’d say, she “switched.” I picked a new color to follow her pattern here… I am called Justice. I am sent here by divine power to stand up for what’s right, once and for all. I am Jess’ true Guardian Angel.

Dear Normal Jess, it’s okay. We understand you’re overwhelmed…but we may not be ABLE TO integrate

We are so very different. I know this isn’t what some alters want to hear, but we need to discuss the integration. Some turbulence internally and no one externally can understand. A constant delegation is going on inside our mind. Have you noticed how much easier it is getting for us to communicate? Compared to a time we didn’t know so many of us existed?

This better internal communication is another step closer to co-conscious balance and possibly integration. There is just this one teeny tiny problem with integration….

It’s all just so uncomfortable. Some of it so horrific and I don’t know how strong any of us really are any more. I know in time we can heal this. We can stop our suffering of reliving our past trauma. Yet, it seems like we may just not be able to integrate. We can learn about each other, accept each other. Yet, some of us don’t want to have to feel what some others feel. Some of us don’t want others to feel what we feel, either. Some of us feel our privacy is important to us and others feel we need to protect the weaker individuals.

I know, I see you there Normal Jess, who wants her “normal life.” She has been working so hard to get us all to work together. Some of the other main alters help this along too (Suzy, Morrighan, Erzsebet, June, Jess #2, mostly are the ones I speak of who actively engaged in therapy and trying to build better internal communication. As well as myself, Jey). Now as some integration begins, we all begin to be affected by each other’s emotions, physical pains, and memories. Now Normal Jess is overwhelmed with all this which seems to be coming out in frustration, and she has hit a wall of some of us rejecting this union. She has screamed out in frustration (as any can see in the post previous to this one about integration and we know who wrote it). She is tired. She doesn’t want this discomfort anymore. She wants us to integrate by realizing we ALREADY ARE “integrated” in one sense and can never be separate. Normal Jess, you are becoming frustrated that interacting with other people with D.I.D who don’t want integration seems to have some of us in here get the idea that they don’t really like integration too. Normal Jess has feelings, and she is scared that we will never unite. She wants to vent and scream at people she feels are a threat to her healing.

Normal Jess vented, and she is now having to deal with some very upset people, inside and out. She blames other people for putting the idea out there for the others to consider, but it’s not their fault, the idea already existed to stay separate. Some of the others can be integrated, but there a few strong, independent others that just won’t.

Normal Jess you are right about the fact that we all are the same person. However, the different compartments of conscious awareness makes us also our own separate person, individually, respectively. We can sometimes connect, but many time we cannot. For some of us, we have lived so separate with such opposite experiences, we can’t make sense of integration even if we tried.

We may just not be able to integrate…..and that should be okay. Now, how to calm the frustrated selves? How to get them to understand it’s okay? How to correct the confrontational frustration you feel, Normal Jess?

Well, first we will try this simple trick: We will just say, Hey, we are okay and it’s okay.

Once we know that for ourselves then this shouldn’t really feel bad anymore, the fact that we are separate and not integrated. When there are no bad feelings, we all can experience balance and co-consciousness so non of us feel ignored or left out ever.

Nobody really wants to feel like they only live half their life. So when we see ourselves as a team, working together, we all can be living our lives together. We have lived for so long so separate, and we have developed our own memories and opinions and emotions.

I know you feel that once co-consciousness is achieved that integration should naturally take place. You don’t see, there is a difference between being able to communicate easily to share information, and actually sharing experiences.

What are we, but the sum of our experiences?

Some splits occur because some people just can’t handle some experiences.

If they couldn’t handle it before and they are still the same, then wouldn’t it still be too much for them? Maybe you can help them, but you still must consider, maybe some others can’t handle some things. Ever. 

Each part can be see as having separate experiences, separate lives & separate memories, creating separate people in one person. That is all we are really asking for, that is all we want you to acknowledge. All the other details are trivial. The point is, you must know how to interact with each person of a team of persons. Just like people in separate bodies are different at times and you have to treat two people differently, same goes for the many of us in one body.

Some of us are so complex and separate, we just may have become so different that it feels impossible to integrate. One of us never being able to understand another.

That is okay.

What matters is we live life to the best of our ability. What matters is we use our best abilities to live life!

Being a multiple just may be a simple brain trait like many others that make people unique, and is just how some brains have learned to function in the developmental stages that had trauma occur…Those stages are how your brain learns to keep you alive and keep you moving forward. This was self defense mechanism you developed. It must have been necessary to keep you alive when you couldn’t mentally handle the trauma. Knowing you can’t handle your trauma, you must understand that you may ONLY be able to survive in this manner your brain was programmed to survive in the first place.

And this is okay.

This is a start of our communication internally about being okay with staying a team.

We will never go away if we integrate, we believe you Normal Jess.

We just don’t think we can handle all the trauma.

Not only mentally too much, but physically too much also. We will recover even painful experiences and basically “live through” the experience so we can fully experience it. Integration is integration of all experiences and some alters still stuck in trauma time will have those painful experiences to share.

The best option can be to help those alters suffering get therapy and healing they need. We can help them heal, even if we can’t handle sharing the experience.

It’s okay that we did this to survive, because look at us surviving!

I hope such confrontational alters hear us who are showing kindness.

We only want to talk…..

We only want to be heard…

We only want to listen…

We only want us all to heal.

We all know we are “Jessica.”

I am aware of every part and can connect with them all. I know we are the same.

Do you hear me Normal Jess? You are not alone in understanding we are all Jess.

I call myself Jey because I accept my birth name and this is my choice as *technically* an acceptable variation of my birth name, Jessica. This is represents not only who I am as a “they/them” pronoun preference for genderless/genderqueer/queer, but can also sum us all up by choosing to be elusive with gender. I am happier this way. Everyone feels happy when they notice something that they connect with in our outward appearance. I usually find a good balance to please most and sometimes, we let others take a day to express more of themselves, too.

Anyway…

You should know…I am “the real Jess.” Though none of you are less real. I just have a piece of you all in me and I am just a sort of neutral ground.

I am the core. I was the first and I hid from the horror..

So it began, the “splitting.”

I hid. I’ve been watching. I spoke but it was too much so I hid again.

I’m not hiding any more.

I felt I caused the splitting to go so far because I was weak and I felt guilty.

Now I’m starting to see it was the best thing to ever happen to me.

To all of me, all of “me’s.”

This is how we survive.

WE SURVIVE.

So, we are okay. 

 

 

Flashback-A few innocent words portray sick twisted reality. I wouldn’t read this if weak stomach

The memories are hitting me again.

Flashbacks. So horrible.

I am just sitting here. They are all talking. Someone wants to be head.

Then I get these flashbacks. I say more like I’m bombarded with the information and memories the others are trying to share.

It’s sick, he was talking like a kid, talking so casual, like this was normal.

I felt nothing. I didn’t know who I was. This must have been dissociation.

The things he used to say…

(don’t look.)

“Let’s go do what mommies and daddies do to show they love each other.”

“it won’t hurt. It just feels like poop going up your butt…”

“Which way do you want it? In the butt or the vagina?”

He made me choose. Can you believe that?

No, I don’t think my parents know what really happened, or how bad it was..

I remember hiding in the attic. He jerked open the door and he found me right away.

Grabbed me by my hair. I screamed. He drug me into the bedroom.

I was 7 years old.

Two other brothers, in between the age of myself and the one hurting me, just sat downstairs. Just watched TV. Unless they were outside the bedroom door and he would hear them. He would chase them, threaten them. I don’t know what happened. I stood there in the room. Shocked. Frozen. Robotic. I awaited for the return of my rapist. After doing whatever he did to ensure fear so they neither come back or tell about it, he returns. He shuts the door.

I remember the door slam startled me.

No way could my parents could have known how he terrified me or them.

Or, surely they’d hate him. They’d know he wasn’t worth protecting.

They say he was a “troubled boy.” They say he “did his time.” My mother said that.

I say, he did no time. He conned you.

He controlled and destroyed me.

The youngest parts of me reveal.

We used to make “mansions” and “houses” for the cats out of piles of cardboard boxes.

I was small enough or it was big enough to fit me in one.

My half brother spent twenty minutes looking for me.

He finally found me.

Opened the little door and saw my feet.

He grabbed me by the ankles and drug me out.

I was 7 years old.

He was 15.

This was not the first time.

These two times within days of each other.

This was the last year before I finally had to tell.

I was 8 years old when I told.

I was beginning to realize I needed to fight this.

I just didn’t know how yet.

I remember when I told, but not what happened after.

I don’t know what I told you, mother. Maybe you didn’t know it all?

No. You knew. You know. And you pretended it could be okay.

You told me to keep his secret. I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone.

You told me to protect him.

You told me to protect my “brother.”

You told me to forgive my “brother.”

“Brother” is a lie.

You told me to protect my RAPIST.

You told me to forgive my RAPIST.

You told me to go on living like it never happened.

You told me to forget about it.

You call yourself  my mother.

We are all screaming for “Mother.”

You are not there for us…

(Enters in Eva Marie)

“I will care for you, small ones. I will keep you safe, my dears. There is no sorrow here. I hear you, I see your tears. Let me show you I love you. Let us all see love doesn’t hurt.”

(enters the children)

(embrace)

*SNAP* I’m back in reality. I survived the flashback.

I started writing as it was hitting me before I was lost to it completely. Typing can help keep me grounded.

This is how we heal ourselves. One of many techniques. You have to utilize many and all of whatever you can learn. It’s a tricky business, dissociation.

I seem to have this gift. At a very young age, I first learned to control my nightmares and turn them into dreams. Then I learned of visualization. Then, we discovered guided meditation. We did this all on our own. We found each other on our own. We needed more information to know what we really were. It took some time, but we finally got it. Someone listened.

I found my way back. I fight through the flashbacks. It hurts. It hurts so much i don’t even like myself. I don’t value myself. Not for a very long time after this happens. I want to destroy myself. I don’t think I can correct my negative behavior, such as negatively thinking I cannot correct my behavior. Maybe I am a monster…..But not by choice.

Tell me, are you afraid? Imagine how afraid I was….

…I am afraid still. I just don’t know it yet. The others, they know….

Integration is painful.

Yet, I have no choice. I can’t stop this now.

They say I’m strong. I’ve VERY strong, they say.

Ha, we will see.

Am I a monster? Is this going to be the death of me?

I feel like it already happened, my life is over.

Am I a zombie back from the dead?

Trigger Warning- I’m pro-integration and anti-multiplicity. The others disagree. They call me “Normal Jess”

As we’ve come to find out, more than one has hosted as “Jess.” This gets more interesting to me, by the second. Who am I, you ask?

They call me “Normal Jess.” They, the others, my alter identities. I knew not of my alters until I accidentally found them in meditation. I knew nothing of my abuse and just was living my life until I found them. Now I am trying to make sense of what psychology is trying to explain and explain it back to my other parts. I’m trying to reconnect us all.

I’m about to say something that is going to anger every single multiple out there including parts of us

But i feel it needs to be said…And explained. I’m not good at explaining, I’m also still learning, so I keep trying until i get it right.

There is one issue I have trying to explain the most, and it is all this:
We are not multiples.

We are the dividen, divisor, and quotient.

Now let me ask you why you believe there are more than one individuals that exist, when clearly physically they amass one creature? One being. One.

Let me tell you a couple secrets…

EVERYONE HAS MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES/IDENTITIES.

EVERYONE has a voice inside that screams something opposite of what they want to do.

EVERYONE has feelings/thoughts/parts of themselves inside they dislike as much as like.

EVERYONE changes how they act in different situations, from mundane to extreme.

EVERYONE has hidden sides of themselves that only come out in certain situations.

Yet they know, each switch that happens is them doing it. They know, no matter if parts of them pull them in a million different directions, they have to look at their life as a whole. They have to pick the path that is most satisfying as well as most functional. They make a decision on how to best live their life and they only have to think about what they want and their feelings don’t get hurt by their own inner thoughts. Which is the opposite with DID.

Having dissociative identity disorder should not be equated to a subculture lifestyle of *choice*. If it’s a subculture, it’s one based on helping each other and learning how to live. This is not the same as being gay, deaf, or transgender (although some with DID may have parts that ARE gay, deaf, or transgender, respectively). This is about the function of the brain with memory and perception. This is not a choice, not a “feeling.” This is not mobility or hearing or sexuality or gender, all of which do not affect knowledge or perception, or self control. Dissociation does affect these things. Your brain didn’t have to be this way, DOESN’T have to be this way, but it was the only way you could survive something traumatic during some key developmental stages.

Some try to say that they are naturally born this way without any trauma. I tell you, you will never be able to prove that. Big secret, but much of DID is repressed memories and if you can’t handle them, they will never come to the front of your conscious awareness. That’s okay, that doesn’t make you a bad person. It just is the fact of aftermath after abuse. Another big secret is, family who work hard to hide the trauma will never tell you the truth about if it happened. Last big secret, sometimes abusers actually never get caught or even exposed. So if you can’t remember, and the only other person who knows is either family member in denial or covering up, or the abuser (and THEY aren’t admitting it) how can you ever find? Not out without recovering painful memories. You may never be able to ever come close to recovering them but I don’t believe that’s exactly necessary to heal. The only problem in your ability to heal is believing you were meant to be this way.

Really, no one can know if this can happen without trauma unless they studied billions of babies from birth until they grew up to find out if they have “naturally” without stressors become a “multiple.” That will never happen. Not enough time or resources. However, do you know what we DO know? What is it we CAN prove? What DO we have an explanation for? Extreme trauma will cause the brain to do what it can to survive. If you can’t escape physically, the brain has it set up so you can escape mentally. Dissociation is one of many ways the brain helps reduce suffering in dead end situations. Another is the “freeze” mechanism of flight-fight-freeze. I guess freezing is what will help make it less painful, help dying be less of a painful struggle, I suppose like making you numb. The brain’s job is to keep you alive, and if it can’t, then it’s job is to ease your suffering. Hence, the dissociation. Hence the ability to be “so good at daydreaming” you can forget you are even suffering. Everyone has the ability to dissociate as a way to deal with some things, like boredom or driving a long time. Everyone can be sort of “detached” from reality while reading a book or watching TV. Dissociation is not what makes you unique. Even without dissociation you can be the same unique awesome person you are. As one name, always aware, always in control. Dissociation becomes a disorder when it disrupts your life and you have no control over it or you do it too often. Too quickly before you can assess the situation, you are knocked into the back of your mind. You’ve been triggered, you’ve switched. You may not remember what happens after. Or you may know, but didn’t “feel” like it was happening to you, like you were watching a movie. You are not connected.

Every person has different parts for different situations. Sometimes they have to do what part of them doesn’t want to do. Yet, never will they black out and give in to that part that wants to do what it wants to do. For they will always remember the rest of the facts. Say, you want to quit a job but can’t afford to. Those of us with DID could have the part that hates working not know the facts about how detrimental not working is, and that part will make the move to quit. Those of us with DID can then say “that person” did it, “not me.” This is true to an extent. That part is a person, yet that person is a part of you. You cannot be separated. Therefore, everything you do, they do and vice versa. People who are actually separate people have no access to emotions or pain that other people feel, but you all can feel each other’s pain. Empathy is the closest you get from anyone else. It was you, but it was a different you, not connected to all of your feelings and experiences. It was you but an identity whom if only had had access to all of your complex beautiful brain, would have acted differently.

What are we, but the sum of our experiences, memory, and knowledge? If at anytime someone took away any of it, it would change who you are. A big life changing event that never happens will never change your life. Or a new event may mark a new view of life. Amnesia is a real thing. Just like Alzheimer’s. Yet we don’t say these people are “becoming different people” who are “replacing” the old person. We don’t say, well guess they need a new name because they are acting different. Nope. They are still the same person who are now acting differently, due to their situation affecting them and their memory and awareness. It’s that same way with D.I.D.

You are not special. You are not different. You are just surviving in a creative different way.

You have to understand, the only difference between you and other people without D.I.D. is this:

They are connected to every identity, every memory, inside themselves. They own all their experiences, good and bad. They don’t need to be called by different names because there is nothing separate.

People with D.I.D. are NOT connected with every identity, not knowledgeable of every memory. People with D.I.D. do NOT own all their experiences, whether good or bad. People with D.I.D. actually need to be called different names to keep track of what’s going on because everything is separate.
The goal of every multiple is to get a balance with each other, and to always be connected at all times.

If that is not the goal, then that is very detrimental to you. That is self destructive behavior.

Sometimes I’m starting to feel like dissociation is addicting and people need rehab like with drugs and alcohol to learn that they can live a full happy life — a BETTER and HEALTHIER LIFE — without giving in to the addiction.

Nobody should have to live only half their life.

Nobody should have to unwillingly suffer consequences of things their body does unbeknownst to them.

Nobody should have to sit there and feel lifeless watching somebody else living life with THEIR BODY.

I see that as abusive and traumatic, like not really living. I don’t know why others don’t.

Once the co-conscious awareness takes place, I feel integration should naturally happen.

You all can see, hear, feel, taste, touch, all at the same time.

What’s the need for a separate name? People outside can only see one of you. No matter how you cut your hair or do makeup or no makeup or how you dress, they will see the same body. You can’t change that. Everything that any of you do, is all done TOGETHER, no matter how much you try to deny that.

You all make a decision and then the brain that you all are a part of controls the body to speak and move. It is not just one of you speaking or moving. It is just one brain controlling all that, and it is a complex brain with many fascinating parts. It is all of you, with your one voice. Because you are one body. One person.

Next thing, we don’t get to pick our names, our parents do. Why do people with D.I.D. get a special privilege? If you want to be called by a different name, it is just a nickname and it is not your legal name. Nobody has to call you that. However, until you integrate, it’s helpful in understanding yourself and so others can learn about you and categorize all your conscious states of awareness. This separation allows you to heal when you can organize it. I do know many people have prefered nicknames to go by, which most friends are respectful of. So to ignore your request to be known as that, is a rude thing of other people to do if they care about you and being part of your life. So don’t think I’m trying to say you don’t have a right to be called the names you wish to be called. I’m just saying, you also don’t have a right to be offended when you are called your legal given name, even if it’s family doing it and especially by strangers or in professional/non personal situations. I’m only speaking the truth, you cannot deny your birth name. Legally, it’s bound to you unless you legally change it. Which, I will get to that more.

Basically, all of your names are simply titles for categories of one person. Utilize them, so you and other people can file them and search the files, and add into the files as you gather more information. And when any other people want to know exactly how to approach you for the set of memories and experiences you currently express, they can open up that “file” on you by it’s title and know exactly what they’re dealing with.

I don’t know why it is seen a negative thing to be called a part of a person, or a different identity of one person. Why is it negative to say you are someone who’s just got a limited memory and amnesia of some facts caused by a trigger? Yes, contrary to how some feel, truly it is a limited memory if you cannot know AND feel what you do at all times. Sure, you may know what happens, but it doesn’t “feel” like it’s happening to you. Well, news flash, even if you are asleep, what happens to your body still happens to you. So just because you are numb and can’t consciously feel it, doesn’t mean it’s happening to somebody else. You are not a separate person. It simply means your identity fronting is the only part that knows the whole story. If you work on it, you can connect to that experience and feel it just as the day it happened TO YOU (yes, it happened to YOU). If you were separate people, that would not be possible. I guess we need to go over what exactly a “person” is. I guess many seem to feel person has nothing to do with the physical body. Yet, it literally is that too. I don’t get how we try to say we are more than one when logically there is only one person standing here physically. It sounds–not meant in any mean way I swear–but it sounds….delusional. You know, to deny the physical reality exists. I mean, even transgendered people know logically what their physical sex is in contrast to our gender. Just saying….And I’m not trying to be rude. I’m just being honest with such an uncomfortable subject.

I hope you know I’m accepting of people who are not integrated. We are not integrated yet, if we EVEN CAN integrate. It be silly of us to judge. You may not be able to connect fully, and that is okay, we know. I just want to stop people from encouraging people to be very self destructive by encouraging living life separately by choice. It results in having yourself partially unaware of your life. That is the only negative thing I can say about being a “part of a whole person.” It is my belief that the only ones putting a negative spin on being a “part” or a different identity, are the people suffering from D.I.D. themselves. So it’s like the actual community is helping to portray shame upon itself, as we fight the stigma in daily life from those outside the D.I.D. community.

I’m not going to stop saying this until it’s understood. WE are the only ones making this “negative.” Doctors don’t say we are bad for being a part or an identity. They find us fascinating, and just want us to be ALL of our identities, loving ourselves, not denying ourselves any of our life.

Am I making sense?

Is this coming across unfriendly or negative to you? I don’t mean it to…

Until I find a way to get the others to understand, I’ll keep rewording it.

Love every single part. Love every single person. Love every single YOU.

Learn who “you” actually ARE. Be you, without shame, without fear. Be in control at all times.

That is what I want for each and every one of us with D.I.D.

Integration is natural. Separation is not. Separation is only as natural as a self defense mechanism is.

Saying something isn’t naturally occurring IS IN NO WAY A NEGATIVE THING. If you see that then it is only YOU that is implying it. You are the cause of your own suffering. Be proud of yourself as a whole being with many amazing multifaceted complex functions of a beautiful human brain.
You may feel you must stay separate, then you still must help that part that suffers to heal. I believe in due time, if you actually help that part to heal, then it won’t have to be so separate. If no part of you suffers (as some claim they never suffered any trauma) then you still have to learn how to be aware of each other at ALL TIMES. You still have to learn how to communicate like most human brains do, quickly and easily between each identity and emotion. You still have to figure out how to balance life between all of you.

In either situation, you only need one name externally. I know some people may not want the birth name, seeing it unfair because they may see it as belonging to a specific part/alter/identity/person/whoever. If you want, pick a name all of you like to represent the new complete you and change it to that. A name like no other before, and all of you agree upon. Having different names inside may help you with visualization and healing, and coping. Having separate names outside is chaotic, confusing, and unnecessary in the external world. Really quite more complication. Ha! Do those of us with many of us NEED any more complications?

I understand some of us with D.I.D. cannot handle what happened. I understand, some may never integrate. It’s great when you still achieve balance and can live your life with people who don’t judge you and can remember all of your parts/names, recognizing when they are there, and respectfully addressing each by their respective names. You deserve respect and are not less than anyone. Happiness is the only goal.

I also understand some willingly choose to not to connect all their parts. Which to me says, “I’m willing to let someone else live my life for me, my body is just a vessel without a soul, worth as much as any machine, and you can do what you want with it.” To me, that’s kind of scary and may even be you unconsciously repeating abuse like what caused your D.I.D. By that I mean, you were treated just like this, an empty vessel to be controlled, and here you are, continuing to consider yourself just as that. When are you going to realize you and your body are the same thing? You only have one body. You only are one person.

When I say that if you all are aware you must only be one person, you can tell me “it’s called being ‘co-conscious'” but that really is just the same as integration with you simply in denial that integration is possible. That is you acknowledging all you do at all times and STILL being in denial that YOU did those things and had complete control over it.

I’m raising awareness for “awareness.” That’s all I’m doing. I care that people are suffering and nobody is giving out this helpful knowledge to encourage understanding of oneself and being one. Nobody in the D.I.D. side of the equation, anyway. It’s all over the psychologist’s side, but you cannot dare utter this to one of us “multiples” because we will say you are rude, ignorant, and disrespectful, spitting all over you as we walk out the door in disgust.

Well I’m not an ignorant psychologist. I am a suffering patient. I am an intelligent person who reads.

I can KNOW EVERYTHING THEY KNOW….
AND EVERYTHING THEY DON’T.

Because I have dissociated identities, I can understand what they are. I want to encourage more of us to do this. To formally educate ourselves. It’s like reverse research. I’m trying to understand them “singletons” as much as they are trying to understand us “multiples!” Haha!

I hope my point is made nicely and not met with aggression. Though I’m quite sure it will be misinterpreted and get me at least one or two angry backlash…

Bring on the debates. I welcome it without fear or anger. If I am wrong, then help me learn. That’s what I’m trying to do, learn. So far though, I find nobody can grasp what I am saying with a calm rational mind, too busy blinded by anger of how I dare even suggest that we are one person and not special or unique. Yes….how dare I care to help other people get control of their life and accept and love themselves. How. Dare. I.

 

**************EDIT: 1/31/2017***********

There have been later blogs where you will hear opposite to this point of view. It happens as all of us alter identities who are mature enough will discuss our own different point of views. We have debated this many times amongst ourselves.

Please remember, each blog only represents who is writing it, and we all are very different. There are 16 identities outside of 3 different “hosts” who go by “Jess” and have different knowledge and memories.

Please do not react to this whole system over a feeling one of us made you feel. We only ask that you get to know us and help us see all find common ground and end stigma.

No publicity is bad publicity. I’m using the release of a movie that puts D.I.D. in a negative light as an opportunity to shine a positive light and raise awareness.

I talked about this before but I’m going more into detail here.

Some of you have heard about a new movie coming out called “Split.” As you may be able to guess (especially since you are reading my blog) this is about someone with “split personalities,” i.e. Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Oh, but this is not in a good way portrayed. The genre is horror. The villain, a freakish DID culprit with frightening sadistic tendencies, kidnapping innocent attractive young girls for no apparent reason. Whereas I’m not going to deny that someone with DID could be a sociopath, I’m going to tell you good f*cking luck finding one in reality as of yet.

People with DID were victims. The people that did this to us are the monsters. We are the ones that need to be afraid of other people…..Other people who are ignorant can have serious detrimental effects on our lives because of misunderstanding and ignorance. Myself, for example, was sent to jail when I actually had a dissociative episode and I tried to explain it but they didn’t understand or do anything to help. I wrongly had an arrest when I needed to go to a mental health institution. They would not let my husband bring me meds but their psychiatrist never saw me for  several days and I was locked in solitary confinement, worsening all my worst symptoms. Another incident, I had my child taken from me when I was manipulated under dissociative episodes by my own husband (now ex) and mother-in-law. For no reason except they wanted me out and away from her. Their fuel to the fire was the mainstream information that was portrayed in movies and other media. They had some idea that I was going to “kidnap” my child and/or attack people. I’ve never shown ANY sign of violence. I’ve only ever defended myself. So, for this way of thinking, the type of fear that that this “Split” movie portrays, is the reason I don’t have my child today. Then, you see why I take a personal cause to speak up during the release of this movie.

IT AFFECTS ME.

What if my family and friends see this movie after knowing I have this diagnosis? What if they reject me based of this horrible portrayal? Needlessly fearing me, instead of judging me on my own actions and merit.

IT AFFECTS INNOCENT CHILDREN

Many children ripped away from parents because of misunderstanding of D.I.D.. Just like my child, who’s loving mother only needed support to heal, but was abused and ripped away from her. Even with the ones not taken, what will these children wrongly think of their parents if they hear of this movie? Children need to identify with their parents, so how do you think this can affect their emotions, self esteem, and opinion of themselves?

IT AFFECTS FUTURE PATIENTS DIAGNOSED

As a patient diagnosed, I was a little afraid of my diagnosis, too. If this is all we with D.I.D. know, it can have detrimental effects on our healing progress. In the beginning, I didn’t even know anything much more than the negative and it was scary to me. Until I educated myself. Until I found a counselor who was even educated on my disorder. This kind of suffering and self hate should not happen and it is unfair that people even get retraumatized by this negative portrayal. It’s so hard to understand yourself, and even harder to get other people to understand you. Hard enough without movies creating more horrible creations that people take way too seriously.

The world is not very safe for those of us with DID. People need educated. Awareness is greatly needed, so we need to be speaking up. Now here’s my chance, and I’m terrified, but I’m going to do this. Lamb for the slaughter, for all those who can’t have the strength to share their stories, I share mine to raise awareness. I make effort to make a physical change putting my physical body out there, more than just touting on about it on the internet.

We have these movies because it sounds cool that someone could act a bunch of different ways and it kind of scares us that we cannot know what to expect at all times. And people love thrills, so if you’re a person particular to horror, why wouldn’t you think it would be a cool scary story? I’m going to give the world the benefit of the doubt. I’m giving them a chance to use their brains and not be muddied with belief that a fictional movie could EVER be a correct real life representation. I feel it might be possible for someone to be entertained by a movie but know it’s totally false. Also, I believe most people don’t know how real DID is. It’s still a Jeckyll and Hyde fairy tale horror. But if I show them to their face how real we are, in the flesh and blood, they will have no way to avoid what makes them uncomfortable. Most people, when hearing my story, react with compassion. Some are rude and think there is something to argue. There is nothing to argue. I know you cannot see my change, and you not seeing my DID doesn’t matter to me. I have nothing to prove to you. I’m only trying to get better. If I can’t reach you, I discard you, and onto the next one.

Let me be an example to all of us with dissociative identity disorder. Standing up saying we won’t take this anymore. People couldn’t write a movie about a diabetic going on a killing spree eating people because their sugar was low. Why should they be allowed to exaggerate my mental illness in a highly ridiculous way? Maybe there COULD be a “psycho” person with DID out there but I’ve yet to see proof of any who claim it. Most of us are too broken, reliving constant terror of our own, afraid to venture out in the world, much less wreak violent havoc in it. We are afraid of the world being afraid of us. So we hide. I’m showing we can be something more than that though. We can live just like everyone else and our identities don’t have to be anything but just another friend you know.

So, all this said, let me tell you how I am confronting people and showing them a real life *dissociative freak show* in the flesh and blood! (excuse my dark humor, it keeps me alive, laughing at absurdities. ha)

When this movie is released, I’m going to leech off the attention. In the middle of the crowd, I will have posters and my voice addressing those who are on their way to see the “Split” movie. I will shake their hands. I will have whoever of us is present introduce me and themselves. I will hand them a simple neutral informational pamphlet on Dissociative Identity Disorder. I will tell them to enjoy the movie,but remember it’s just entertainment not reality.

I’m going to do another thing that I believe no one else with D.I.D. is ever going to consider. I am going to see the movie too. I’ve said, I feel this is going to be more of a comedy than a horror to me. Laughing at the absurdity. Oh, my dark humor helps me. I know it makes many of you uncomfortable. Yet you have to admit, I’m doing some good things with it. We cannot fully defend ourselves if we don’t know what we are up against. I must force myself to sit through it. I must know what it is, exactly, I am arguing. If laughing gets me through it, then let laughing get me through it.

Judge not, y’all…Suzy says this, my bubbly happy 18 year old who picked up the southern accent of  cousins who grew up in south…See, we aren’t that weird. 😉

Anyway, I’ve commissioned a few of my equally crazy cool comrades to help me make some posters and pass these out. I’m only making posters myself. Was going to make a pamphlet but I’m pressed for time and I found these online on the website Scribd.com, a site you pay for but lets you read a variety of interesting books and access all types of literature, lectures, and even audio books. Some things are free.

I’ve decided to share the link to these flyers I’m passing out. I want anyone to feel free to pick up my cause here, and be brave enough to find a place near the movies to pass these brochures out just like me.

Where I downloaded them from Scribd:

This first link is a brochure that explains a lot of how D.I.D. occurs and how people can help be supportive with what D.I.D. actually is. Uses a great “smashed vase” metaphor as one possibility as well as an “alternate selves” possibility representing who the person would be with each set of memories and experiences each alter has. I like how it even says mostly it’s a blend of the two. It’s how I would describe our personal team’s experience here, a blend of the two. Anyway, informative and positive, check it out, maybe pass it out too?:

“Introducing D.I.D.” brochure

Just to help people better understand, I’m also giving out this pamphlet below, that better explains what just general dissociation is and how people can dissociate without disorders-

“Managing Dissociation” brochure.

Lastly, I want to point out it lists a web address on the actual brochure for the group/person responsible for these brochures, known as The Dissociative Initiative. I support their cause and want to give credit where credit is do along with much accolades for their work. However, the website on the brochure is not an up-to-date web address. It gives you a redirect link on that website to the new one, but let me just give you a shortcut to it:

Check out The Dissociative Initiative on wordpress:

https://di.org.au/

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Tell us your thoughts and give us your support with some comments! ❤

You really can’t know if it’s role play or real because actors exist…Do we assume? Do we judge? Or do we use this to raise awareness?

So there’s another movie coming out about the “scary monster” with “multiple personalities.” This one another “horror” genre. It is another M. Knight Shyamalan directed movie. To a lot of people, that’s an initial sign it will be terrible. On top of that, it’s being released in January which many would say is when the worst movies are released. I am offended by this using my mental illness as a horror flick, but I understand that fiction is fiction and I can’t blame someone for wanting a great story (doubt it will be a “great” story though). To be fair-and many of you will HATE me for this-we can’t 100% say this would never happen. I mean, maybe the reason is a comorbid diagnosis, or maybe the reason is an alter who mimics the abuser they had, I don’t know. If I can think of possibilities, then I must be open to this is a possibility, all be it really rare and not likey. I mean, you have to understand real DID people to understand what triggers us to act out. I don’t understand what would make a DID person be this way. Maybe the movie explains? I haven’t seen the movie to know exactly what image they are selling, so I plan to see the movie for myself.

I watched the trailer. Yes, it was a little triggering but you see, I’m just different than most with PTSD and DID. Maybe it’s masochistic tendencies, but I’m used to it and fight through it to reach what I want to see. I want to know how we are portrayed, I want to know how much “facts” are in this “fictional” movie. I plan to see it for further scrutiny, but from the trailer I see how interestingly he portrays some switching. I see, though I don’t like the pretense of the movie, I can appreciate the lead actor struggling to be versatile between switches and it seems he may have gotten it down, for what it is in reality.

Then…It got me thinking about actors….Got me thinking…..wow…could I really know if someone was faking Dissociative Identity Disorder? Or if they were just “acting” like James McAvoy in the “Split” movie? I always felt like I could figure it out. I mean, I HAVE Dissociative Identity Disorder so I should know right? Yet, can I really know? The experience is different for everyone. Though there are a few similarities to hold on, a lot of variations of internal experiences and external manifestations exist.

So, sometimes I feel like I have this all figured out. Then…other parts of me protest, say I’m not exactly on the right path. They say don’t be too quick to judge people.

What I am talking about is how to know if someone actually is speaking with another identity and conscious awareness. How do you know if you can trust them to not be jumping on a bandwagon of attention-seekers? How do you know they don’t just mimic it as an escape? Or just want to have fun and make their life exciting by pretending to be exciting people? How do you know they are not just leeching off of your experiences to create their own story?

How do you know?

Then one of us inside utters the words,

“Does it matter?”

Hm….Interesting to think about. DOES it matter if we know that they are faking or really dissociative like us? Well, only in the context of if what they are doing is wrongly harmful to those of us trying for acceptance, balance, and healing. Does it permeate stigma? Does it cause confusion for people who actually have it? Does it make us all look like fools? Is it so over the top that no one can take any of us seriously? These are the questions I really care about.

The thing is, if they mimic it so well, maybe they really are a person in need of some help? Maybe in the same sense that those who have no choice in being dissociative identities need help accepting all parts of themselves, maybe this person needs that help accepting parts of themselves too. So, perhaps the same type of treatment can help them too. I don’t want to deny anybody in need of help.

Oh, must have close speculation to avoid mistaking manipulative types and abusive types. So I still don’t feel we should automatically accept any without our own personal scrutiny. Yet in a general sense of the community as a whole or someone seeking therapy, someone who isn’t causing a ruckus but flowing along with everything else, it doesn’t matter. Because we don’t have to care if we focus on healing and acceptance with all of us. The only problem is, if you are trying to give advice for a disorder you don’t have, and it may actually be harmful to someone who has it.

Now, the biggest problem I do have, the one that shouts to me is a fake (but not necessarily a “faker” because maybe they really believe this) is those that say they suffered no childhood trauma and this is just “normal” to give yourself different names.  Yes I know we all say, What IS normal? Yes, it can be your normal, but are you REALLY dissociative? Well, their answer is of course they are not dissociative, because they are always aware or they choose to be aware or not, and choose to switch.

First I have to ask them, have you considered maybe you just don’t remember the abuse? Maybe it’s buried and nobody knows or will admit it, or maybe you need hypnosis to find out? I mean, if you are in and out of conscious awareness, then certainly you must see that this is a problem and you are only living your life partially. Yet… If you are and always have been conscious of each and every part of you, even while another is the one fronting control talking and moving, well….I’d say you are JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

Because (and I say this many times and psychologists know) that everyone has “multiple personalities” that switch around but these people own all their experiences, have access to all memory, and know that they make one unified decision to keep their one body living, in spite of having deep feelings that could even conflict the decision. They know, and own, all those feelings as theirs: the good, the sad, and the uncomfortable. Conversely, people have the separate identities because they cannot feel what other parts experience. So, therefore, I’m highly skeptical of these types running around with an agenda to be accepted as normal and called by different names at different times for no necessary reason, and act like there is absolutely no problem about it.

Problem number one:

If you are going to tell people  you are okay, they think I AM OKAY TOO.

I cannot get help because you insist that it’s my fault for not getting along with my other selves. I cannot get help because when you are a faker, people can see the ridiculous notion you throw out there and so they can’t believe I’m really having issues with myself. They don’t believe I can go through switches and not be aware. The question I ask these groups is, if you were always co-conscious, how are you separate? It’s impossible. You are simply deciding to call yourself a different name, based off your mood and what you are trying to do at that time.

Problem Number Two:

What of the children who suffer and who wouldn’t have had this without suffering? Oh but you were “born” this way? So they must be born this way and doing something wrong, its not the abuse causing it? No wait, you want me to believe it can happen either way? 

Dissociative Identity Disorder is known by science and psychology to happen to children who were abused during the developmental stages that the “identity of self” is formed, and such abuse interfered with that integration of experiences. You denying that this happens from child abuse is further causing a problem in bringing to light of the negative lasting effects of child abuse. Or you claiming that it can happen “naturally” as not involved with abuse, can then be turned to claim that the abuse DID NOT actually cause the disorder. So, you are only hurting children with this notion and minimalizing their suffering.  This isn’t like being born deaf or some accident or age that causes deafness later in life, which has no affect on your awareness or your personality. This about a disruption of the mind developing and it takes a long period of time with a traumatizing experience. What would be the reason to deny identity of self or deny experiences that occur to your physical body during your developmental stage that is a “normal” thing? The brain doesn’t develop that way. Where as being deaf changes nothing about you as a person, your identity disruption affects EVERYTHING about you as a person and your ability to relate and function in the world.

Problem Number Three:

Since many of us don’t easily figure out we have D.I.D. you could also be leading them to misinformation and disaster. 

If they hadn’t sought therapy that led to be diagnosed, but become aware of their alters without it, they may seek out information for help. They may find this information and want to stick with it because it’s really appealing. Come to be led to believe they were born this way, and have to just learn how to deal with it. When in fact, they could be harboring hidden memories of abuse that needs to be addressed and healed. Seriously think about what you are doing advocating for this as “normal.”

So……

These three things said are my only issues with people claiming to have multiple personalities but not have D.I.D. It feels worse to me than someone pretending to have suffered like me and is in therapy like me too. See, if I met a person who says they suffered child abuse and have D.I.D., who were actually faking but wasn’t out in public trying to have fun with it or use it as an excuse to commit crime, why would that cause me any problems? Actually in a way, if they can perfectly mimic it, they are kind of helping raise awareness by letting it be known of as a disorder that needs help. Them being caught faking doesn’t hurt me because they were correctly acting it out. Just like people can fake pregnancy and are shamed for that, but pregnancy still exists as real. Same goes for fake D.I.D. cases. Them being fake, doesn’t make us any less real.

That being said, going back to my original topic talking about the movie, Slit, I can see it as a means to get people curious. I always try to see not the bad, but the beautiful. I find beauty in some of the darkest places, but that’s just me. I don’t expect you to agree, but hear me out.

They do say, “No publicity is bad publicity.”

I agree with that philosophy and plan to use it to my advantage. I just want to hand out informational pamphlets about D.I.D. at the mall to anyone interested in seeing the movie Split. You know, enjoy the movie, but understand that there were exaggerations for entertainment purposes and does not fairly represent my disorder. I already found a helpful pamphlet to use. I was going to make my own but I am pressed for time and this one is beautifully fitting anyway!

In the end, I hope any who has this identity association problem can learn to accept all parts of themselves. Just as we are struggling to do here in my own personal system. Which, we prefer to call ourselves a team, by the way (and I will write a small bit about that maybe later!)  In the end I hope all people learn more about D.I.D. with the more widespread it is even known of……Cause believe it or not, I’ve met hundreds of people who don’t even know what “Multiple Personality Disorder” is, much less D.I.D. or dissociation in general. So yeah, help this world even know there is this subject that needs attention, so we can start giving it proper attention. That’s a good thing in my book.