As we’ve come to find out, more than one has hosted as “Jess.” This gets more interesting to me, by the second. Who am I, you ask?
They call me “Normal Jess.” They, the others, my alter identities. I knew not of my alters until I accidentally found them in meditation. I knew nothing of my abuse and just was living my life until I found them. Now I am trying to make sense of what psychology is trying to explain and explain it back to my other parts. I’m trying to reconnect us all.
I’m about to say something that is going to anger every single multiple out there including parts of us
But i feel it needs to be said…And explained. I’m not good at explaining, I’m also still learning, so I keep trying until i get it right.
There is one issue I have trying to explain the most, and it is all this:
We are not multiples.
We are the dividen, divisor, and quotient.
Now let me ask you why you believe there are more than one individuals that exist, when clearly physically they amass one creature? One being. One.
Let me tell you a couple secrets…
EVERYONE HAS MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES/IDENTITIES.
EVERYONE has a voice inside that screams something opposite of what they want to do.
EVERYONE has feelings/thoughts/parts of themselves inside they dislike as much as like.
EVERYONE changes how they act in different situations, from mundane to extreme.
EVERYONE has hidden sides of themselves that only come out in certain situations.
Yet they know, each switch that happens is them doing it. They know, no matter if parts of them pull them in a million different directions, they have to look at their life as a whole. They have to pick the path that is most satisfying as well as most functional. They make a decision on how to best live their life and they only have to think about what they want and their feelings don’t get hurt by their own inner thoughts. Which is the opposite with DID.
Having dissociative identity disorder should not be equated to a subculture lifestyle of *choice*. If it’s a subculture, it’s one based on helping each other and learning how to live. This is not the same as being gay, deaf, or transgender (although some with DID may have parts that ARE gay, deaf, or transgender, respectively). This is about the function of the brain with memory and perception. This is not a choice, not a “feeling.” This is not mobility or hearing or sexuality or gender, all of which do not affect knowledge or perception, or self control. Dissociation does affect these things. Your brain didn’t have to be this way, DOESN’T have to be this way, but it was the only way you could survive something traumatic during some key developmental stages.
Some try to say that they are naturally born this way without any trauma. I tell you, you will never be able to prove that. Big secret, but much of DID is repressed memories and if you can’t handle them, they will never come to the front of your conscious awareness. That’s okay, that doesn’t make you a bad person. It just is the fact of aftermath after abuse. Another big secret is, family who work hard to hide the trauma will never tell you the truth about if it happened. Last big secret, sometimes abusers actually never get caught or even exposed. So if you can’t remember, and the only other person who knows is either family member in denial or covering up, or the abuser (and THEY aren’t admitting it) how can you ever find? Not out without recovering painful memories. You may never be able to ever come close to recovering them but I don’t believe that’s exactly necessary to heal. The only problem in your ability to heal is believing you were meant to be this way.
Really, no one can know if this can happen without trauma unless they studied billions of babies from birth until they grew up to find out if they have “naturally” without stressors become a “multiple.” That will never happen. Not enough time or resources. However, do you know what we DO know? What is it we CAN prove? What DO we have an explanation for? Extreme trauma will cause the brain to do what it can to survive. If you can’t escape physically, the brain has it set up so you can escape mentally. Dissociation is one of many ways the brain helps reduce suffering in dead end situations. Another is the “freeze” mechanism of flight-fight-freeze. I guess freezing is what will help make it less painful, help dying be less of a painful struggle, I suppose like making you numb. The brain’s job is to keep you alive, and if it can’t, then it’s job is to ease your suffering. Hence, the dissociation. Hence the ability to be “so good at daydreaming” you can forget you are even suffering. Everyone has the ability to dissociate as a way to deal with some things, like boredom or driving a long time. Everyone can be sort of “detached” from reality while reading a book or watching TV. Dissociation is not what makes you unique. Even without dissociation you can be the same unique awesome person you are. As one name, always aware, always in control. Dissociation becomes a disorder when it disrupts your life and you have no control over it or you do it too often. Too quickly before you can assess the situation, you are knocked into the back of your mind. You’ve been triggered, you’ve switched. You may not remember what happens after. Or you may know, but didn’t “feel” like it was happening to you, like you were watching a movie. You are not connected.
Every person has different parts for different situations. Sometimes they have to do what part of them doesn’t want to do. Yet, never will they black out and give in to that part that wants to do what it wants to do. For they will always remember the rest of the facts. Say, you want to quit a job but can’t afford to. Those of us with DID could have the part that hates working not know the facts about how detrimental not working is, and that part will make the move to quit. Those of us with DID can then say “that person” did it, “not me.” This is true to an extent. That part is a person, yet that person is a part of you. You cannot be separated. Therefore, everything you do, they do and vice versa. People who are actually separate people have no access to emotions or pain that other people feel, but you all can feel each other’s pain. Empathy is the closest you get from anyone else. It was you, but it was a different you, not connected to all of your feelings and experiences. It was you but an identity whom if only had had access to all of your complex beautiful brain, would have acted differently.
What are we, but the sum of our experiences, memory, and knowledge? If at anytime someone took away any of it, it would change who you are. A big life changing event that never happens will never change your life. Or a new event may mark a new view of life. Amnesia is a real thing. Just like Alzheimer’s. Yet we don’t say these people are “becoming different people” who are “replacing” the old person. We don’t say, well guess they need a new name because they are acting different. Nope. They are still the same person who are now acting differently, due to their situation affecting them and their memory and awareness. It’s that same way with D.I.D.
You are not special. You are not different. You are just surviving in a creative different way.
You have to understand, the only difference between you and other people without D.I.D. is this:
They are connected to every identity, every memory, inside themselves. They own all their experiences, good and bad. They don’t need to be called by different names because there is nothing separate.
People with D.I.D. are NOT connected with every identity, not knowledgeable of every memory. People with D.I.D. do NOT own all their experiences, whether good or bad. People with D.I.D. actually need to be called different names to keep track of what’s going on because everything is separate.
The goal of every multiple is to get a balance with each other, and to always be connected at all times.
If that is not the goal, then that is very detrimental to you. That is self destructive behavior.
Sometimes I’m starting to feel like dissociation is addicting and people need rehab like with drugs and alcohol to learn that they can live a full happy life — a BETTER and HEALTHIER LIFE — without giving in to the addiction.
Nobody should have to live only half their life.
Nobody should have to unwillingly suffer consequences of things their body does unbeknownst to them.
Nobody should have to sit there and feel lifeless watching somebody else living life with THEIR BODY.
I see that as abusive and traumatic, like not really living. I don’t know why others don’t.
Once the co-conscious awareness takes place, I feel integration should naturally happen.
You all can see, hear, feel, taste, touch, all at the same time.
What’s the need for a separate name? People outside can only see one of you. No matter how you cut your hair or do makeup or no makeup or how you dress, they will see the same body. You can’t change that. Everything that any of you do, is all done TOGETHER, no matter how much you try to deny that.
You all make a decision and then the brain that you all are a part of controls the body to speak and move. It is not just one of you speaking or moving. It is just one brain controlling all that, and it is a complex brain with many fascinating parts. It is all of you, with your one voice. Because you are one body. One person.
Next thing, we don’t get to pick our names, our parents do. Why do people with D.I.D. get a special privilege? If you want to be called by a different name, it is just a nickname and it is not your legal name. Nobody has to call you that. However, until you integrate, it’s helpful in understanding yourself and so others can learn about you and categorize all your conscious states of awareness. This separation allows you to heal when you can organize it. I do know many people have prefered nicknames to go by, which most friends are respectful of. So to ignore your request to be known as that, is a rude thing of other people to do if they care about you and being part of your life. So don’t think I’m trying to say you don’t have a right to be called the names you wish to be called. I’m just saying, you also don’t have a right to be offended when you are called your legal given name, even if it’s family doing it and especially by strangers or in professional/non personal situations. I’m only speaking the truth, you cannot deny your birth name. Legally, it’s bound to you unless you legally change it. Which, I will get to that more.
Basically, all of your names are simply titles for categories of one person. Utilize them, so you and other people can file them and search the files, and add into the files as you gather more information. And when any other people want to know exactly how to approach you for the set of memories and experiences you currently express, they can open up that “file” on you by it’s title and know exactly what they’re dealing with.
I don’t know why it is seen a negative thing to be called a part of a person, or a different identity of one person. Why is it negative to say you are someone who’s just got a limited memory and amnesia of some facts caused by a trigger? Yes, contrary to how some feel, truly it is a limited memory if you cannot know AND feel what you do at all times. Sure, you may know what happens, but it doesn’t “feel” like it’s happening to you. Well, news flash, even if you are asleep, what happens to your body still happens to you. So just because you are numb and can’t consciously feel it, doesn’t mean it’s happening to somebody else. You are not a separate person. It simply means your identity fronting is the only part that knows the whole story. If you work on it, you can connect to that experience and feel it just as the day it happened TO YOU (yes, it happened to YOU). If you were separate people, that would not be possible. I guess we need to go over what exactly a “person” is. I guess many seem to feel person has nothing to do with the physical body. Yet, it literally is that too. I don’t get how we try to say we are more than one when logically there is only one person standing here physically. It sounds–not meant in any mean way I swear–but it sounds….delusional. You know, to deny the physical reality exists. I mean, even transgendered people know logically what their physical sex is in contrast to our gender. Just saying….And I’m not trying to be rude. I’m just being honest with such an uncomfortable subject.
I hope you know I’m accepting of people who are not integrated. We are not integrated yet, if we EVEN CAN integrate. It be silly of us to judge. You may not be able to connect fully, and that is okay, we know. I just want to stop people from encouraging people to be very self destructive by encouraging living life separately by choice. It results in having yourself partially unaware of your life. That is the only negative thing I can say about being a “part of a whole person.” It is my belief that the only ones putting a negative spin on being a “part” or a different identity, are the people suffering from D.I.D. themselves. So it’s like the actual community is helping to portray shame upon itself, as we fight the stigma in daily life from those outside the D.I.D. community.
I’m not going to stop saying this until it’s understood. WE are the only ones making this “negative.” Doctors don’t say we are bad for being a part or an identity. They find us fascinating, and just want us to be ALL of our identities, loving ourselves, not denying ourselves any of our life.
Am I making sense?
Is this coming across unfriendly or negative to you? I don’t mean it to…
Until I find a way to get the others to understand, I’ll keep rewording it.
Love every single part. Love every single person. Love every single YOU.
Learn who “you” actually ARE. Be you, without shame, without fear. Be in control at all times.
That is what I want for each and every one of us with D.I.D.
Integration is natural. Separation is not. Separation is only as natural as a self defense mechanism is.
Saying something isn’t naturally occurring IS IN NO WAY A NEGATIVE THING. If you see that then it is only YOU that is implying it. You are the cause of your own suffering. Be proud of yourself as a whole being with many amazing multifaceted complex functions of a beautiful human brain.
You may feel you must stay separate, then you still must help that part that suffers to heal. I believe in due time, if you actually help that part to heal, then it won’t have to be so separate. If no part of you suffers (as some claim they never suffered any trauma) then you still have to learn how to be aware of each other at ALL TIMES. You still have to learn how to communicate like most human brains do, quickly and easily between each identity and emotion. You still have to figure out how to balance life between all of you.
In either situation, you only need one name externally. I know some people may not want the birth name, seeing it unfair because they may see it as belonging to a specific part/alter/identity/person/whoever. If you want, pick a name all of you like to represent the new complete you and change it to that. A name like no other before, and all of you agree upon. Having different names inside may help you with visualization and healing, and coping. Having separate names outside is chaotic, confusing, and unnecessary in the external world. Really quite more complication. Ha! Do those of us with many of us NEED any more complications?
I understand some of us with D.I.D. cannot handle what happened. I understand, some may never integrate. It’s great when you still achieve balance and can live your life with people who don’t judge you and can remember all of your parts/names, recognizing when they are there, and respectfully addressing each by their respective names. You deserve respect and are not less than anyone. Happiness is the only goal.
I also understand some willingly choose to not to connect all their parts. Which to me says, “I’m willing to let someone else live my life for me, my body is just a vessel without a soul, worth as much as any machine, and you can do what you want with it.” To me, that’s kind of scary and may even be you unconsciously repeating abuse like what caused your D.I.D. By that I mean, you were treated just like this, an empty vessel to be controlled, and here you are, continuing to consider yourself just as that. When are you going to realize you and your body are the same thing? You only have one body. You only are one person.
When I say that if you all are aware you must only be one person, you can tell me “it’s called being ‘co-conscious'” but that really is just the same as integration with you simply in denial that integration is possible. That is you acknowledging all you do at all times and STILL being in denial that YOU did those things and had complete control over it.
I’m raising awareness for “awareness.” That’s all I’m doing. I care that people are suffering and nobody is giving out this helpful knowledge to encourage understanding of oneself and being one. Nobody in the D.I.D. side of the equation, anyway. It’s all over the psychologist’s side, but you cannot dare utter this to one of us “multiples” because we will say you are rude, ignorant, and disrespectful, spitting all over you as we walk out the door in disgust.
Well I’m not an ignorant psychologist. I am a suffering patient. I am an intelligent person who reads.
I can KNOW EVERYTHING THEY KNOW….
AND EVERYTHING THEY DON’T.
Because I have dissociated identities, I can understand what they are. I want to encourage more of us to do this. To formally educate ourselves. It’s like reverse research. I’m trying to understand them “singletons” as much as they are trying to understand us “multiples!” Haha!
I hope my point is made nicely and not met with aggression. Though I’m quite sure it will be misinterpreted and get me at least one or two angry backlash…
Bring on the debates. I welcome it without fear or anger. If I am wrong, then help me learn. That’s what I’m trying to do, learn. So far though, I find nobody can grasp what I am saying with a calm rational mind, too busy blinded by anger of how I dare even suggest that we are one person and not special or unique. Yes….how dare I care to help other people get control of their life and accept and love themselves. How. Dare. I.
There have been later blogs where you will hear opposite to this point of view. It happens as all of us alter identities who are mature enough will discuss our own different point of views. We have debated this many times amongst ourselves.
Please remember, each blog only represents who is writing it, and we all are very different. There are 16 identities outside of 3 different “hosts” who go by “Jess” and have different knowledge and memories.
Please do not react to this whole system over a feeling one of us made you feel. We only ask that you get to know us and help us see all find common ground and end stigma.