We are so very different. I know this isn’t what some alters want to hear, but we need to discuss the integration. Some turbulence internally and no one externally can understand. A constant delegation is going on inside our mind. Have you noticed how much easier it is getting for us to communicate? Compared to a time we didn’t know so many of us existed?
This better internal communication is another step closer to co-conscious balance and possibly integration. There is just this one teeny tiny problem with integration….
It’s all just so uncomfortable. Some of it so horrific and I don’t know how strong any of us really are any more. I know in time we can heal this. We can stop our suffering of reliving our past trauma. Yet, it seems like we may just not be able to integrate. We can learn about each other, accept each other. Yet, some of us don’t want to have to feel what some others feel. Some of us don’t want others to feel what we feel, either. Some of us feel our privacy is important to us and others feel we need to protect the weaker individuals.
I know, I see you there Normal Jess, who wants her “normal life.” She has been working so hard to get us all to work together. Some of the other main alters help this along too (Suzy, Morrighan, Erzsebet, June, Jess #2, mostly are the ones I speak of who actively engaged in therapy and trying to build better internal communication. As well as myself, Jey). Now as some integration begins, we all begin to be affected by each other’s emotions, physical pains, and memories. Now Normal Jess is overwhelmed with all this which seems to be coming out in frustration, and she has hit a wall of some of us rejecting this union. She has screamed out in frustration (as any can see in the post previous to this one about integration and we know who wrote it). She is tired. She doesn’t want this discomfort anymore. She wants us to integrate by realizing we ALREADY ARE “integrated” in one sense and can never be separate. Normal Jess, you are becoming frustrated that interacting with other people with D.I.D who don’t want integration seems to have some of us in here get the idea that they don’t really like integration too. Normal Jess has feelings, and she is scared that we will never unite. She wants to vent and scream at people she feels are a threat to her healing.
Normal Jess vented, and she is now having to deal with some very upset people, inside and out. She blames other people for putting the idea out there for the others to consider, but it’s not their fault, the idea already existed to stay separate. Some of the others can be integrated, but there a few strong, independent others that just won’t.
Normal Jess you are right about the fact that we all are the same person. However, the different compartments of conscious awareness makes us also our own separate person, individually, respectively. We can sometimes connect, but many time we cannot. For some of us, we have lived so separate with such opposite experiences, we can’t make sense of integration even if we tried.
We may just not be able to integrate…..and that should be okay. Now, how to calm the frustrated selves? How to get them to understand it’s okay? How to correct the confrontational frustration you feel, Normal Jess?
Well, first we will try this simple trick: We will just say, Hey, we are okay and it’s okay.
Once we know that for ourselves then this shouldn’t really feel bad anymore, the fact that we are separate and not integrated. When there are no bad feelings, we all can experience balance and co-consciousness so non of us feel ignored or left out ever.
Nobody really wants to feel like they only live half their life. So when we see ourselves as a team, working together, we all can be living our lives together. We have lived for so long so separate, and we have developed our own memories and opinions and emotions.
I know you feel that once co-consciousness is achieved that integration should naturally take place. You don’t see, there is a difference between being able to communicate easily to share information, and actually sharing experiences.
What are we, but the sum of our experiences?
Some splits occur because some people just can’t handle some experiences.
If they couldn’t handle it before and they are still the same, then wouldn’t it still be too much for them? Maybe you can help them, but you still must consider, maybe some others can’t handle some things. Ever.
Each part can be see as having separate experiences, separate lives & separate memories, creating separate people in one person. That is all we are really asking for, that is all we want you to acknowledge. All the other details are trivial. The point is, you must know how to interact with each person of a team of persons. Just like people in separate bodies are different at times and you have to treat two people differently, same goes for the many of us in one body.
Some of us are so complex and separate, we just may have become so different that it feels impossible to integrate. One of us never being able to understand another.
That is okay.
What matters is we live life to the best of our ability. What matters is we use our best abilities to live life!
Being a multiple just may be a simple brain trait like many others that make people unique, and is just how some brains have learned to function in the developmental stages that had trauma occur…Those stages are how your brain learns to keep you alive and keep you moving forward. This was self defense mechanism you developed. It must have been necessary to keep you alive when you couldn’t mentally handle the trauma. Knowing you can’t handle your trauma, you must understand that you may ONLY be able to survive in this manner your brain was programmed to survive in the first place.
And this is okay.
This is a start of our communication internally about being okay with staying a team.
We will never go away if we integrate, we believe you Normal Jess.
We just don’t think we can handle all the trauma.
Not only mentally too much, but physically too much also. We will recover even painful experiences and basically “live through” the experience so we can fully experience it. Integration is integration of all experiences and some alters still stuck in trauma time will have those painful experiences to share.
The best option can be to help those alters suffering get therapy and healing they need. We can help them heal, even if we can’t handle sharing the experience.
It’s okay that we did this to survive, because look at us surviving!
I hope such confrontational alters hear us who are showing kindness.
We only want to talk…..
We only want to be heard…
We only want to listen…
We only want us all to heal.
We all know we are “Jessica.”
I am aware of every part and can connect with them all. I know we are the same.
Do you hear me Normal Jess? You are not alone in understanding we are all Jess.
I call myself Jey because I accept my birth name and this is my choice as *technically* an acceptable variation of my birth name, Jessica. This is represents not only who I am as a “they/them” pronoun preference for genderless/genderqueer/queer, but can also sum us all up by choosing to be elusive with gender. I am happier this way. Everyone feels happy when they notice something that they connect with in our outward appearance. I usually find a good balance to please most and sometimes, we let others take a day to express more of themselves, too.
You should know…I am “the real Jess.” Though none of you are less real. I just have a piece of you all in me and I am just a sort of neutral ground.
I am the core. I was the first and I hid from the horror..
So it began, the “splitting.”
I hid. I’ve been watching. I spoke but it was too much so I hid again.
I’m not hiding any more.
I felt I caused the splitting to go so far because I was weak and I felt guilty.
Now I’m starting to see it was the best thing to ever happen to me.
To all of me, all of “me’s.”
This is how we survive.
So, we are okay.