Internal dialog, internal conflict and arguments with selves with D.I.D… We are all very real, very different. Very opinionated

I’ve been thinking about our therapy and integration…and here’s the thing….I can’t imagine us existing any differently than we do. I mean, I feel some of y’all will never see the bright side as much as I can. I see some times you are afraid of excitement which I crave. I feel it is sort of “normal” to be this way. Instead of us splitting in the embryo physically, could we have just split *consciously*? So, in essence, my mother gave birth to multiples without knowing. And here we are!

But what about the correlation between child abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, domestic violence, and dissociative identity disorder? Can we ignore such strong points for cause?

Well, we can see the correlation between DID and child abuse, but we also see many children do not develop DID. So what’s the difference between the kids that do and the ones that don’t? There has to be something we are missing…

Here’s a thought, WHAT IF it just so happens that a lot of “naturally born multiples” exist so they are equally mixed in with the non-multiples who are victims? Maybe because we are more common than anyone knows, we can even show up a lot in abuse cases as a decent sized number within the general public.

So…what are you saying? How did we become multiples then?

Well, I’m saying we don’t really have that answer yet. It could be though, that we are already born multiples and the abuse caused us to dissociate our awareness of each other. So, a “dissociative identity disorder” would still be an accurate statement if we identities can’t connect. Instead of integrating as one identity, though, its just healing to be the many you were meant to be.

……….(sighing and silence)……..

…Huh. Some perplexing things to think about. My head hurts. I’m done.

So ends the discussion in our head. I am Dissociative Jess and I have been taking the “minutes” of this “meeting.” Ha-ha! This is a collection of a conversation going on inside our mind here. This is several alters talking to each other as I’m just listening in. It has been happening on and off all day, hearing their opinions.

Here I have not “switched” each time anyone was speaking, it was not like each alter was typing here. I am the one typing, merely documenting the separate conversations that go on inside my head. This was going so fast, I couldn’t quite catch for sure who it was discussing. That’s why I merely used different colors to denote another alter identity speaking. If I am able to pull the information later, get some cooperation, then I will edit with names correlating to colors at the end here.

This is how separate we are, how much it’s intrusive and beyond my control, how apart from me it is. I can’t always know who it is speaking. I just know it’s not me. We are so separate, they all can speak at once and it would be just as hard to understand as a group physically in front of you. Just a lot of noise with people talking over one another. I am documenting this to help people understand the differences between us. I am documenting examples of conflict or differences of opinions.

Over all, I am documenting this to show how real my situation is as a “multiple.” This is a very real experience for me. I am writing this on a notepad as it happened and then I’m transferring it to my blog. This is so you know, I’m not just waiting for an audience so I can “act a part.” This happens when I’m alone or with people (and often it goes unnoticed when I’m talking inside my mind but people have mentioned my “blank stare” or not hearing them), and this is my reality. It’s just time that the world of psychology as well as the general population start paying attention to us as a reality. Stop trying to “dissociate our existence” away because YOU can’t handle it.

We’re learning to deal with denial of our existence too, but it makes sense why we would. It doesn’t make sense why we can’t get help or research. Okay psychology….Don’t let bruised egos and closed minds interfere with the study of a real psychological phenomenon largely mysterious because of ignorance and misunderstood.

We all are real, and until we do more research we cannot understand how we got here. Until we understand what we are, we cannot live in control of our lives. Until the world knows about us and understands us, they cannot stop living afraid of us or threatened by us. Until the world understands, we cannot stop being afraid of the world either.

Time to see real people in real need for help. The how’s and why’s are not so important. Even among us internally, even among the outward community of multiples, there is discourse over how and what we are, and we need to move beyond it. The reasons of how and why even could be different in a case by case basis but we don’t even have ONE case to start with. We don’t know for sure, we just all have our strong beliefs on it. I just don’t feel it’s very responsible of the medical and scientific community to leave a group of struggling individuals left alone to make guesses about what they are. One thing we do know for sure: For some reason there are individuals struggling to be present, know all of themselves, and be in control of their reality. That is real no matter what, and this needs attention and acknowledgement by the psychology community once and for all.

Do your job and study the minds that need understanding. Hear us speak up now. Or hear us roar. We won’t be ignored. This part here is not Jess writing anymore. As she’d say, she “switched.” I picked a new color to follow her pattern here… I am called Justice. I am sent here by divine power to stand up for what’s right, once and for all. I am Jess’ true Guardian Angel.


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