Integration is our interest, but not EVERYONE’s best interest. Here are Pros/Cons!

Reasons or benefits of staying a “multiple?” 

Because you are happy with who you are and it causes you no disorder.

That’s it. That’s the only important fact to know.

Reasons or benefits of integrating?

Because it DOES cause you disorder, even distress.

Conclusion:

There is nothing “wrong” with being a multiple, itself.

Identity is a personal experience, and each person deserves their sovereign right to make the decision of who they are and how they are represented.

 

Post Script Note:

It is our belief that co-consciousness is the only “true integration.” It is the integration we all should talk about and always strive for. There should be no holes and no black outs and no loss of time for any of us (unless it was done purposely and necessarily, like protecting the kiddos from “adult” things, if ya get me?). So when we say we are “integrating,” it should never mean anyone “goes away.” It should only mean we all embrace each other and have  a common unified experience. We are still who we are individually.

The life we lived can’t be undone, WE STILL EXIST. If existed in history, we still exist in the future. Each of our pasts are our own unique stamp on the universe.

Our memories are pasts that cannot be relived, nor exactly re-experienced, and forever separate.

We can come to the understanding that we are one being, one “external person” if you will, but we will always be our own persons inside.

This is how we developed, this is how we live. We deserve to be acknowledged as “we.”

This is not a flaw, because it helped us survive. This is a gift. 

 

“So who’s writing this, by the way??” you may ask.

I’m Suzy. This integration talk in therapy has matured me some, from 17 to 18 and I do less childish choices now, also can be more responsible. I’ve been a bit care free and I guess I like to have fun and I break the rules sometimes, but I’ve been a little disheartened by some of the things I’ve experienced in this fusion of memories. I’ve also had to “grow up” a bit, and learn about “adulting.” Ha!

I think we can find a way of being that is more constructive and less destructive.

I don’t have to lose lots of the sunshine and joy that makes up who I am and what I do.

I think it’s not necessary that I feel all the things that everyone else experienced.

I think just talking and learning about them and being supportive is enough for me.

I think, I really do feel, that you are needlessly traumatizing an otherwise healthy me.

It’s only necessary that those who are hurting get healed. I may be young, but I’m not stupid and I can tell you I’ve only experienced some “fusion” of memories and it’s changed me. Is it really necessary to traumatize me, so you can say we are all “integrated?”

Can  integration not just be we all know what happens from this day forward??

I am also really thinking, because of our own personal experience of reemergence of hidden people, that if you stop hearing anyone else, that maybe they were just bullied or scared into silence? What if that could happen? We have memories of feeling completely co-conscious for a short periods in our life but trauma or abuse would separate us again. What if the doctors been wrong this whole time thinking integration was just one person speaking? What if we just need help healing what separated us?

We feel it is not just one person speaking, but integration is ALL people speaking with one voice. And so we thought, this is why we all need to legally pick a new name for the “outside person” to represent all of us in the system as one. Not to hurt our parents dissing the name they gave us, but it’s just not a name that we feel fairly represents us any more. The hosts who were Jess are not the same anymore and I think a new host will have to fill in. It’s like we are currently discussing who to “vote in as the new leader.” So….Then…… We will pick a name, agreed by whole system and that is our new name to match the new prominent “fronter” (as in, the new host). Anyway, that’s a rant for another day. LOL.

Thanks, ya’ll, for listening.

Lotsa Loves,

~Suz

Internal conflicts: The sabotaging host, “Normal Jess,” who wants to force integration and the alters fighting it.

So we have been working on finding others like us, to find solidarity and to reaffirm we are not “crazy.” It’s hard, being the only “multiple” out there and nobody understands you or takes you seriously.

However, as we begin to talk to other systems, it has seem to given some of us alters in here some problems. Some alters are confused about life goals, because they are hearing things they never heard before. We have been working so long to be just one, and some looking unto the internet has planted in our mind that being one is not what we are supposed to be.

This conflict inside has left the one alter who is adamant that we all must integrate NOW, to just blow up at anyone who tries to suggest otherwise.

This is the host we call “Normal Jess.”

She knew nothing about the abuse or us all until recently.

This blowing up has only been internal…Until now. She actually began trying to convince the world that integration is the only way. She feels by convincing everyone else around us, that she can convince us all inside. This is so wrong on so many levels. First of all, integration is HARD so not everyone can handle it, and it is a sensitive subject, because alters want to be respected for who they are as real people first. They don’t want to be dismissed immediately as some “flaw” that needs to be wiped away.  That’s what it feels like when you go to integration discussion. The first thought we all think is, “are you trying to say I’m not real and I don’t exist? Are you trying to say my feelings don’t matter? What’s wrong with me? Why do I have to go away?” These thoughts are real feelings and it is real hurt with real people inside a mind of a DID system.

Whether or not therapists mean to present it that way, it comes off that way as soon as they mention integrating. It is saying “oh, we can’t have all of you here.” For some reason, doctors and counselors cannot understand,  each identity is real and their own person, just as real as the body before them they are a part of. Also just as real as the experiences they each separately recollect.. You have to know they all are real, and they live life like anybody else. They aren’t imagination. It is, they are memories, emotions, and opinions created by experiences, all separate between them. All real. So “Jess” who has not been used to us interacting with her, cannot quite grasp on to the idea of more than one of us in here. She is certain she must have made this up and she can make this stop. She has tried to literally scream at us to “go away.”

“Jess” is the host that just found us. She has lived life not even knowing about the abuse. She has blank spots in her memory…She doesn’t even know who she is…She once had a name, it wasn’t Jess. But she had forgotten, at the point she became the host to deal with family gatherings, where our rapist brother would be. She was the one that pretended to be happy around family and our rapist, while the abuse went on, able to just suppress it and try to not care. Then after we told and he was sent away and brought back, it made things harder. She changed to survive. Her memory was wiped. She somehow cut off the connection to the rest of us, she forgot us.

Our brother was sent away for some mental health help in a boarding home for troubled boys, we were told. We were made to go to therapy with him, we don’t know why we needed to be convinced to not look at him like a rapist. We don’t get this at all. So, “Jess” had to have her memory wiped, I feel, or it would bring out the self destruction that we fought hard to keep down.

Now, having found us through meditation, and finding pieces of her horrifying past, it’s kind of sending her into a self destruct where she was once a very kind and supportive person. At first she was all gung-ho for studying psychology and figuring out how to help us through the abuse we told her, which she doesn’t remember. Then, after more and more was revealed to her with memories, she was wearing thin, pale faced (she can’t really easily talk with any of us except in deep concentration of meditation, we just send her memories mostly)

It used to be June, who was always the trouble maker. A fourteen year old “know-it-all” because she likes to read and question everything, who is shy until you trigger her some how. Then, it turns pretty much into a self-destructive senseless fit of insults and hateful words. June wants to punish herself for not being good enough and hides it with her lashing out trying to blame you. Now, we have “Jess” reacting negatively to people of different views too. Seems she is trying to get attention now. Almost like she is trying to sabotage us, too, because some of us can’t agree or open up to her.

Can you imagine what that is like, having someone inside you trying to bring down you and the whole damn ship? Right smack in the middle of the trip to Healing City, and you’re almost to paradise?

June just wants attention and wants to punish herself for not doing what she felt she should have done to protect us, and wants to push people away to protect us. We are getting progress with June, telling her it’s not her fault and she is a child, it wasn’t her responsibility to protect us. It was the responsibility of the adults in our life who didn’t. She is learning to be more trusting and work through her emotions instead of instant attack mode.

“Jess” is not as extreme in her actions as June, not any way as sarcastic, hysterical, and loud as June can get. Yet, she isn’t really that calm either. Well, she is now getting defensive when anyone points out that integration may not be necessary, or even possible. If anyone acts dismissive toward the idea, it’s like that’s HER trigger. She is even being argumentative with people who say they support you if its what you want, but integration isn’t for them. She doesn’t want us to talk to those people who can make us consider life can go on as a multiple just fine. She wants her way and is out to destroy anything that can lead us to thinking otherwise.

Oh help me, I have never come across something so complicated within my system here. I have no idea what to do. She has already tried to just blurt out about these “facts of integration” in situations that could trigger other survivors who have not come to a decision of integration.

We never knew that, as we all merge a bit, we would create a “new kind of monster.” Maybe this integration is too much to handle… “Jess” isn’t going to like this…. She has to learn she is just our Serendipity, our happy accident. She did the thing we couldn’t do, look our rapist in the eye and call him “brother.” She did what was too much, just too much to ask a child victim of rape. She was there in the presence of her abuser, and she had no idea of the abuse. I guess learning this is more than she could handle. I guess this is why we are all so separate. I am guessing, this is why certain parts cannot fuse..

I am also guessing, certain parts will fuse never. We were set up into this nicely organized system to protect ourselves. What makes us believe the parts who couldn’t handle it before, will suddenly be able to handle it now? They haven’t changed, stuck in the same reality that created them. You can say therapy is supposed to help that, but sometimes people are already set as the person they are. I am getting a vibe, that even if the ones who suffered the abuse can heal, they still don’t want any one else to suffer the knowledge they do. So they will choose to protect that knowledge in secret til we die.

I have already been blocked online by a few systems, and even kicked out of an online forum because her sabotaging behavior. Wish I could have had a chance to speak with them first about the problem she gave them, and let them know I will do what I can to hold our system accountable and try to repair this. I wish I could talk to each of these people to explain, this is self hatred and sabotage, and instead of asking why is she attacking, you could ask what is it she is afraid of? Maybe they could feel compassion, and understand this is a part stuck in an irrational reality and is crumbling…

This is dangerous.

How does one address the attack from inside?

I am Jey, I am the core. I have always watched everything. I know everything, I just experienced none of it. I used to be able to guide them all from a shadow in the background, but they became their own little monsters, as I say. I know everything, but only as a spectator, and I’m not telling what I know either. I kept it guarded while we are all in therapy and healing. I was waiting for the moment we were at a level to share what I know. With what I’ve seen, how “Jess” is being affected, I fear I am just going to keep this to myself always. Just I and the ones who experienced it will know, if we can’t reach a point that looks promising to survive the knowledge.

I separated myself from the beginning. I am without gender, without status, without anything to force me to stay in one box. I escaped the control of me by being nothing, I am nothing for you to control to be. If this part of us, this “Normal Jess,” cannot handle the truth that she just learned, I wonder if it would be something to make me crumble as well to now experience? Interesting thought to consider. I’m not saying I’m quitting this, just saying I don’t know. I’m just sort of here watching, waiting for something to happen…

I wish I could have some advice. I am tired of losing friends because of my DID. It was hard enough to lose the “regular” kind of friends, and now to be rejected possibly by the actually DID community is really hurtful and terrifying. I couldn’t figure out why that was so terrifying, seeing how it’s mostly just people online, and not people I know in face to face daily interaction. Our boyfriend helped sum it up easily. He said I am so hurt and afraid because these are only people who can possibly understand how it feels to go through what I go through and if they reject me, what have I left? I will feel so terribly alone then. It hurts too much. I am already afraid that if we do achieve integration, it means we lose our friends anyway. So many systems hate the idea….I become like a stigma, if I integrate.

Recovering more uncomfortable memories of sex abuse details but also recall having conversations w/ alters very young.

Working on connecting internally and gaining access to memories.

Here’s something new.

I remember dissociating at a very young age.

I remember having “out of body experiences” I somehow knew I could induce it.

I remember having conversations with others inside and making mutual decisions.

I know I was very young, I was still small enough to ride in the front of a shopping cart.

I remember this specific detail of a cart, because of an incident in my childhood where I had to use the bathroom at the grocery store and believed there was no bathroom to go to. I remember, I was already sexually abused at this time. I was already taught some masturbatory techniques. I was taught to hold urine to create pressure stimulation around clitoral area. I believe I was often forced to hold urine during my abuse. This was a way to try to coax me into feeling something “pleasurable” so I would be more willing to subject to the sexual abuse. I remember because of things taught by sexual abuse, I thought I was just supposed to do this, but do it in private and not tell anyone. I used to just try to pee a small amount so i could have room to hold it longer. Well, this incident, I ended up releasing the whole flow….from my seat in a cart, and it went all over the groceries we had not paid for yet.

My dad yanks me out of the cart and screams “Goddammit Jessica!” What happened? Well, secretly being sexually abused, I had some…unusual perceptions and incidents. I was some where taught that holding my urine was good and would feel good. So i always tried to hold it. Then I started having the pain in my childhood from the holding urine and sexual abuse (pain I didn’t get diagnosed until my 30’s as interstitial cystitis, “painful bladder syndrome.”) There were several different people inside my mind and we all were really aware of each other at this time. I remember feeling like nothing in the outside world was real. Only inside was real. I thought, how do I really know if anyone else is real because I can’t feel what they feel? I could feel what the others inside felt, when we connected. That was the only thing that felt real. I questioned if I stopped existing, would this world cease to exist? These were the thoughts of a child in kindergarten (if even, could been younger) We couldn’t connect to other people, we couldn’t all always be aware to have one common experience to understand the many people existing outside of us. I remember often times feeling like I was just floating in space, a ball of light without form and I was watching my life like a movie.

Talking within, there was only a couple of us talking at this time in the grocery store. What do we do now, as we feel the urge to pee? One likes the feeling of the pressure, another thinks it’s annoying, and another is afraid of it hurting bad like it has before. I am listening, trying to be a mediator and see everyone’s view, as I am “hosting” and I will ultimately take control to enact decision. Being a multiple as a child, the simplest self care things were not very simple. Had to have a discussion on everything and understand why we were doing it. Back and forth we consider that it doesn’t hurt yet so we will hold it. We couldn’t tell our dad for some reason because we feared him being angry that we needed to use the restroom. I think it’s because of my painful bladder syndrome I used the restroom frequently and it was always a hassle slowing everyone down. I think I used the restroom just recently and was afraid to make him angry asking again. Then we consider letting some out that would barely make a drip and we could hold it longer. As we were discussing urinating, I had already been dissociated and numb to the body, and at the point I was yanked out of the cart, it was another one of us fronting control and I was numb to the experience. I saw myself, outside myself. Someone else was talking. Someone else had me moving. Questioned about why I didn’t say anything about needing to use the bathroom, I/they had no answer. They looked down, blank faced, silent, while I watched on. They said they knew there was no bathroom, but dad said he could have taken us next door to a restaurant or gas station. We were just a kid, we didn’t even know this was an option. I hid in the shadows, as someone else struggled to keep up with our dad’s long legs angrily pacing. I watched on as someone else stood quiet but with a solemn face, and trying to cover the back of our light pink shorts that had a large darker pink area from the wetness. I felt myself in tears and agony, I saw this other in control stand there looking more together than I felt, sad but not distraught to my level. My dad I believe was next explaining to an associate what happened so the mess could be taken care of….I cannot remember after this…It fades to black. I remember leaving the store in a hurry, I can’t remember if it was with or without the peed on groceries but I feel like he still paid for them. I don’t remember the car ride home. I don’t remember walking inside the house or up into the bathroom with my mom who was getting ready to clean me up. I remember taking off the wet bottoms at home.. I don’t remember anything else after or in between having to do with this incident, such as if I received some sort of punishment for it or not (on top of the embarrassment and being screamed at in the store, I mean.)

This may seem like a lot of detail and information, but really it isn’t. Not even quite sure who is who in this story. It’s just one more in a small cluster of fragmented repressed memories I have recovered. It’s just a small chip of a very big iceberg. I’m just trying to use this to get things to make more sense. And one by one we find new puzzle pieces and our childhood and our adult life can one day make sense.

We have to stop here now. It is starting to go from slight psychical discomfort to some painful anxiety symptoms. And the head aches….oh yea the head aches are fun when we do this. I don’t understand why this has to be so hard. They keep telling me to slow down but if we go any slower I’m afraid I will miss my whole life.

Anyway, stay tuned for more fragments of childhood and life memories and stuff…

Things we’ve learned: List of little know *truths* about D.I.D. and multiples/plurals

This is a list we compiled, just off the top of our head, with information we’ve gathered across the net of some common but little known truths about D.I.D. systems and multiples/plurals

Things not widely known, but frequently mentioned by those who live it:

  • FACT: alters can be so very similar to each other, the only way to tell the difference may be in their memory recollection and how they emotionally react to stressors.
  • FACT: Sometimes the same name is used for more than one identity/self state. (Usually it’s the birth name more than once but doesn’t have to be.)
  • FACT: All humans have many identities and self states. Some just choose to go by one name. Having more than one name doesn’t make you a bad person, it only is how you express yourself. Sometimes other people give you those other names too (i.e. like nicknames for singlets) There is no reason to really have a problem with many names for different states of self, because we can see this practice of many names is not exclusive with “multiples.”
  • FACT: Some do not view themselves as having a disorder. You will find some just say they have “multiple personalities/identities/self states” or say they are a “multiple” or are a “plural” person. Majority of all also refer to themselves as a “system.”
  • FACT: Some feel there is only a “disorder” when identities cause disruption because they are too separated from each other, completely unable to connect, and there are moments of amnesia or “out-of-body” feelings. Otherwise, just living life in harmony, no disorder.
  • FACT: some people feel it’s important to not have a label of “disorder” that can be harmful to self-esteem and hinder growth. They want to celebrate that all of their system works together, always co-conscious. This is their right to define themselves and should be respected.
  • FACT: Though people have a right to not consider themselves disabled, we must respect that to some people, this is a disabling situation. Some people have different skills and others are at different levels of healing.
  • FACT: separate self states are closely related to traumatic events during early childhood developmental phases but it’s possible there are other causes.
  • FACT: More research must be done on the rise and development of completely separate self states, and how many people learn to live with it naturally.
  • FACT Research is not lacking availability of subjects to test (i.e DID isn’t as “rare” as you think) it is merely lacking funding.
  • FACT: Some systems switch several times a day, so fluidly they go completely unnoticed.
  • FACT: You could ALREADY know a system, yourself. They could be a neighbor, classmate, teacher, doctor, family member, coach…We can be anything. We are just people living life just like everyone else.
  • FACT: Many are too afraid to “come out multiple” because of stigma and fear.(Appreciate & honor their trust, if you made them feel safe enough to share with you)
  • FACT: People *without* DID are more likely to commit crimes than people with DID. People with DID are too busy trying to schedule their life. Not much time for anything else, ha! People with DID have higher levels of anxiety or depression, we’re too hopeless and afraid to try anything. 😉
  • FACT: Many people with DID have been victims of violent crimes. Victims of violent crimes are more likely to become future victims than future perpetrators.
  • FACT: People with DID are not perfect and can get minor criminal offenses sometimes, but no more than anyone else can.
  • FACT: some people are functioning well with many separate self states, having a cooperative system by their own effort and with limited, very little, or completely without the assistance of therapy.
  • FACT: You can have DID and never have committed any crime ever, never have been violent ever, actually be a very successful person, actually be a good person,  and even go to college and start your own charity if you wanted. 🙂 The possibilities are as endless as they are for the rest of the general population. Because it’s true, we are just living life like everyone else. Good or bad is judged by character and merit with us just like it is with any other person in the world you meet.

…Well….that’s about all we got for now….

If we think of any more, we will update!

If you have any suggestions or comments about my list, please share below! I’ll edit it for any new ideas I haven’t included or stumbled on yet.

What’s in a name? What’s integration but cooperation? Acceptance is key to a healthy harmonious system of selves.

Integrating my selves is a painful experience. In the past, I’ve had some of us in here integrated, the number of us shrinking, but in the end I see we all are still there. We can feel each other. We are thinking and talking simultaneously. That is integration, to me. Then there is a final decision of do we stay a “We” or shall we take a singular ownership of “I.” From my own view, either choice is acceptable. If all of you are internally connected and accepting it’s all happening to you, then balance and awareness is achieved. If you have this awareness but you love who you are, then why should you change your names? Maybe it helps you keep your life organized to stay as a team.

I don’t know if there is a secret to permanent integration, because I can’t seem to reach it. We keep breaking apart. I get so close, and then a catastrophe hits….sometimes it hurts to be so many emotions all at once… Sometimes we just need to protect ourselves and separate ourselves. Everyone needs a  moment to escape reality. Anyone can understand. We all fall down sometimes. We all have moments of weakness where we need help. I hope you can see that we are not that different. I may have some more extreme reactions or some extra stressors you don’t deal with, but you can have an idea of how it feels to be me if you think about it. You can know how we feel and also know that if you can be okay, we can be okay after we calm down. This is the sort of empathy we need to help us with our healing, especially on a path toward integration.

On another level, we need to be heard about how we live life feeling fulfilled, despite being not fully “integrated,” and despite psychology’s refusal to acknowledge us. We need acknowledgement that we have an understanding of ourselves in a different way than science does. We want fair representation, from the mouths of those who live this life. We don’t feel like our “multiplicity” is any different than anyone else, just because we choose to identify each one in here separately. I feel that is a choice we should be allowed to make. I feel it doesn’t hurt anyone, so as long as constant presence of all parts exist, do we need to squabble over someone’s choice of what to be called? When you are a high functioning system that is not integrated, your life is not lived any different than a system integrated or the average population commonly considered “singleton.” If there is no harm to keeping names for each person in the system even if they all feel fused, why argue a person about their choice? I cannot see the point in denying someone their autonomy to choose their own way of identifying themselves. In fact, that is probably more likely harmful to a being’s psyche. Where they find acceptance and pride, you are trying to bring self hate, self doubt, and maybe even shame, just because they want their selves clearly represented. I see a problem with that, not the names.

There is no harm in keeping the “we” in you. We all know that we do need cooperation and co-consciousness to be a healthy system, and whether we say “I” or “we” doesn’t change the cooperation of all selves. Sometimes we don’t feel like a team or we squabble over a feeling of lack of representation. I suggest picking a name to replace the birth name for a representation of the system instead. I see a lot of people naming their systems, but I’m talking about doing this permanently. This is a name you all agree on and feel can equally be an accepted name for the group as a whole.

Naming the system I think is a very helpful tool in healing and acceptance. This makes everyone feel as a team or family, helps you feel like comrades united, and this acceptance is important to get the system to work together in harmony. Harmony that sometimes leads to a full integration where we identify as “I” or a harmony that just means accepting “we” are also “I” but choosing to respectfully identify and keep each individual unique identity. Its all about respect. Not trying to make drama about it.

[Oh yea, not Jess, by the way. I am Jey. I know a thing or two about self identity and how it feels to be wrongly labeled. I am genderless, genderqueer if you will, and on the asexual spectrum I am but I’m more complicated than that too, I just don’t feel like going into it now. My preferred pronouns are “they/them” but I will also accept “Sir.” 🙂 Hope I get kind understanding for my post]