Internal conflicts: The sabotaging host, “Normal Jess,” who wants to force integration and the alters fighting it.

So we have been working on finding others like us, to find solidarity and to reaffirm we are not “crazy.” It’s hard, being the only “multiple” out there and nobody understands you or takes you seriously.

However, as we begin to talk to other systems, it has seem to given some of us alters in here some problems. Some alters are confused about life goals, because they are hearing things they never heard before. We have been working so long to be just one, and some looking unto the internet has planted in our mind that being one is not what we are supposed to be.

This conflict inside has left the one alter who is adamant that we all must integrate NOW, to just blow up at anyone who tries to suggest otherwise.

This is the host we call “Normal Jess.”

She knew nothing about the abuse or us all until recently.

This blowing up has only been internal…Until now. She actually began trying to convince the world that integration is the only way. She feels by convincing everyone else around us, that she can convince us all inside. This is so wrong on so many levels. First of all, integration is HARD so not everyone can handle it, and it is a sensitive subject, because alters want to be respected for who they are as real people first. They don’t want to be dismissed immediately as some “flaw” that needs to be wiped away.  That’s what it feels like when you go to integration discussion. The first thought we all think is, “are you trying to say I’m not real and I don’t exist? Are you trying to say my feelings don’t matter? What’s wrong with me? Why do I have to go away?” These thoughts are real feelings and it is real hurt with real people inside a mind of a DID system.

Whether or not therapists mean to present it that way, it comes off that way as soon as they mention integrating. It is saying “oh, we can’t have all of you here.” For some reason, doctors and counselors cannot understand,  each identity is real and their own person, just as real as the body before them they are a part of. Also just as real as the experiences they each separately recollect.. You have to know they all are real, and they live life like anybody else. They aren’t imagination. It is, they are memories, emotions, and opinions created by experiences, all separate between them. All real. So “Jess” who has not been used to us interacting with her, cannot quite grasp on to the idea of more than one of us in here. She is certain she must have made this up and she can make this stop. She has tried to literally scream at us to “go away.”

“Jess” is the host that just found us. She has lived life not even knowing about the abuse. She has blank spots in her memory…She doesn’t even know who she is…She once had a name, it wasn’t Jess. But she had forgotten, at the point she became the host to deal with family gatherings, where our rapist brother would be. She was the one that pretended to be happy around family and our rapist, while the abuse went on, able to just suppress it and try to not care. Then after we told and he was sent away and brought back, it made things harder. She changed to survive. Her memory was wiped. She somehow cut off the connection to the rest of us, she forgot us.

Our brother was sent away for some mental health help in a boarding home for troubled boys, we were told. We were made to go to therapy with him, we don’t know why we needed to be convinced to not look at him like a rapist. We don’t get this at all. So, “Jess” had to have her memory wiped, I feel, or it would bring out the self destruction that we fought hard to keep down.

Now, having found us through meditation, and finding pieces of her horrifying past, it’s kind of sending her into a self destruct where she was once a very kind and supportive person. At first she was all gung-ho for studying psychology and figuring out how to help us through the abuse we told her, which she doesn’t remember. Then, after more and more was revealed to her with memories, she was wearing thin, pale faced (she can’t really easily talk with any of us except in deep concentration of meditation, we just send her memories mostly)

It used to be June, who was always the trouble maker. A fourteen year old “know-it-all” because she likes to read and question everything, who is shy until you trigger her some how. Then, it turns pretty much into a self-destructive senseless fit of insults and hateful words. June wants to punish herself for not being good enough and hides it with her lashing out trying to blame you. Now, we have “Jess” reacting negatively to people of different views too. Seems she is trying to get attention now. Almost like she is trying to sabotage us, too, because some of us can’t agree or open up to her.

Can you imagine what that is like, having someone inside you trying to bring down you and the whole damn ship? Right smack in the middle of the trip to Healing City, and you’re almost to paradise?

June just wants attention and wants to punish herself for not doing what she felt she should have done to protect us, and wants to push people away to protect us. We are getting progress with June, telling her it’s not her fault and she is a child, it wasn’t her responsibility to protect us. It was the responsibility of the adults in our life who didn’t. She is learning to be more trusting and work through her emotions instead of instant attack mode.

“Jess” is not as extreme in her actions as June, not any way as sarcastic, hysterical, and loud as June can get. Yet, she isn’t really that calm either. Well, she is now getting defensive when anyone points out that integration may not be necessary, or even possible. If anyone acts dismissive toward the idea, it’s like that’s HER trigger. She is even being argumentative with people who say they support you if its what you want, but integration isn’t for them. She doesn’t want us to talk to those people who can make us consider life can go on as a multiple just fine. She wants her way and is out to destroy anything that can lead us to thinking otherwise.

Oh help me, I have never come across something so complicated within my system here. I have no idea what to do. She has already tried to just blurt out about these “facts of integration” in situations that could trigger other survivors who have not come to a decision of integration.

We never knew that, as we all merge a bit, we would create a “new kind of monster.” Maybe this integration is too much to handle… “Jess” isn’t going to like this…. She has to learn she is just our Serendipity, our happy accident. She did the thing we couldn’t do, look our rapist in the eye and call him “brother.” She did what was too much, just too much to ask a child victim of rape. She was there in the presence of her abuser, and she had no idea of the abuse. I guess learning this is more than she could handle. I guess this is why we are all so separate. I am guessing, this is why certain parts cannot fuse..

I am also guessing, certain parts will fuse never. We were set up into this nicely organized system to protect ourselves. What makes us believe the parts who couldn’t handle it before, will suddenly be able to handle it now? They haven’t changed, stuck in the same reality that created them. You can say therapy is supposed to help that, but sometimes people are already set as the person they are. I am getting a vibe, that even if the ones who suffered the abuse can heal, they still don’t want any one else to suffer the knowledge they do. So they will choose to protect that knowledge in secret til we die.

I have already been blocked online by a few systems, and even kicked out of an online forum because her sabotaging behavior. Wish I could have had a chance to speak with them first about the problem she gave them, and let them know I will do what I can to hold our system accountable and try to repair this. I wish I could talk to each of these people to explain, this is self hatred and sabotage, and instead of asking why is she attacking, you could ask what is it she is afraid of? Maybe they could feel compassion, and understand this is a part stuck in an irrational reality and is crumbling…

This is dangerous.

How does one address the attack from inside?

I am Jey, I am the core. I have always watched everything. I know everything, I just experienced none of it. I used to be able to guide them all from a shadow in the background, but they became their own little monsters, as I say. I know everything, but only as a spectator, and I’m not telling what I know either. I kept it guarded while we are all in therapy and healing. I was waiting for the moment we were at a level to share what I know. With what I’ve seen, how “Jess” is being affected, I fear I am just going to keep this to myself always. Just I and the ones who experienced it will know, if we can’t reach a point that looks promising to survive the knowledge.

I separated myself from the beginning. I am without gender, without status, without anything to force me to stay in one box. I escaped the control of me by being nothing, I am nothing for you to control to be. If this part of us, this “Normal Jess,” cannot handle the truth that she just learned, I wonder if it would be something to make me crumble as well to now experience? Interesting thought to consider. I’m not saying I’m quitting this, just saying I don’t know. I’m just sort of here watching, waiting for something to happen…

I wish I could have some advice. I am tired of losing friends because of my DID. It was hard enough to lose the “regular” kind of friends, and now to be rejected possibly by the actually DID community is really hurtful and terrifying. I couldn’t figure out why that was so terrifying, seeing how it’s mostly just people online, and not people I know in face to face daily interaction. Our boyfriend helped sum it up easily. He said I am so hurt and afraid because these are only people who can possibly understand how it feels to go through what I go through and if they reject me, what have I left? I will feel so terribly alone then. It hurts too much. I am already afraid that if we do achieve integration, it means we lose our friends anyway. So many systems hate the idea….I become like a stigma, if I integrate.


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