Well I am officially out at work, but still haven’t had an opportunity to explain and tell everyone. I mean, we just all know, the way the “grape vine” goes, that mostly everyone has at least heard something about our “uniqueness.” (or maybe our “craziness” depending on who is recounting the story lol). When opportunity presents itself, with coworker or customer, I just talk normally about what we are. I have gotten a few stories back about how Dissociative Identity Disorder and having many alters affects my employment.
Now I know that June, Suzy, Jey, and Bel at some point at work have formally introduced themselves to quite a few people. Not everyone though. Sometimes, the children feel threatened, so the older alters will not admit to being a different identity, who is not “Jess.” The children, who may suffer being stuck in trauma time still, have this notion of “I’m not supposed to tell.” Perhaps it is from incidents in childhood where they did show signs of themselves or said their names, only to get an angry or negative response, or feel shamed for existing and trying to assert their autonomy outside of Jess**. Perhaps it is something darker, as during the abuse they were created and maybe our abusers told us “not to tell.” Perhaps it could be a bit of both or something else.
I’m piecing together a few things about my D.I.D. and work. Sorry all my blogs are random collections of information, often fragmented and incomplete. I am working on connecting more with the others. I am the host they call Posttraumatic Jess (or PJ for short sometimes) and sometimes when I try to connect with the others, their pain triggers my PTSD symtoms. It’s really hard for me. Apparently there is the one we call Dissociative Jess** (or just Jess plus two asterisks, looking like: Jess**) who easily talks with the others and shares memories, experiences, etc, with ease and little concentration. She is the one who suffers more of the derealization and depersonalization but at the same time can connect very easily with almost every alter because of it. Letting another have “executive control” and being the voice fronting, while she floats like a shadow listening. Well, she connects easily with everyone except Jey and Morrighan, who seem to be the most independent and separate of all of us. They both seem able to block things and also force their way out and another back in. These are two likely alters that are too ingrained in their separation, too different, to ever be integrated. Anyway, I don’t have all the best access with communication with the others, like that Jess** does.
Anyway, I am just writing a few descriptive incidents to keep track of some things and give examples of how D.I.D. affects our every day life and responsibilities. This also helps give me an idea of how well we are doing connecting and if we are in a low point of chaos.
One server who knows my story well was talking to me about some of the incidents that happen at work, due to our rapid switching under emotional stress.
We are supposed to follow a rotation between sections of tables and servers, but when more than one of us is trying to do the job at the same time we make mistakes. Some of us are ahead of or behind the point in rotation that others remember. I was told that there is a problem because the people I work with don’t know *who* they are working with. As in, which alter. So, when I switch and nobody in here announces it’s not me, then nobody I work with can know it’s not me, and know that I may need help or may do the job differently. One day, it was June who took over for me at work. June is a very smart 14 year old. She is highly intelligent but lacks the emotional maturity one needs to handle this intelligence and use it effectively. She often questions and doubts herself, she often goes straight to a “doom and gloom” attitude when she makes a simple mistake. They often have to calm her down. One day, she made many mistakes in who’s turn it was in the rotation, all because a pushy customer made her nervous. But at the end of the shift, she remembered hearing the coworker say they need to know who they are working with, so June said, “Hey, I’m June, I’m really sorry I got so upset and kept messing things up.” She was told by that server,”Yea, we figured you were not Jess,” and not to worry about it. She said everything ended up working out in the end, by this friendly coworker with a friendly reassuring smile. I can feel that June needed some reassurance like that. I think it is very helpful when we can reach this point and just say who we are, and have our individual needs met.
Here is another incident I was told about that happened at work by my coworker. One day I know I lost time, and when I came to awareness, I heard my General Manager frantically calling around for me. He was asking people “Have you seen Jess? I can’t find Jess. Has anyone seen Jess?!” I called out to him, “Are you looking for me? I’m right here??” I was still in a feeling of fuzziness and confusion. I didn’t feel upset though. It was just the way I’ve come to accept feeling, after a moment of being triggered and losing time. My GM heard me and came around the corner, asking me if I was okay. He was rubbing my arms, like to comfort me, asking me if I was sure I was okay, using a soothing voice. The look in his eyes was full of worry. I was just confused, tried to ask the others but it was all fuzzy inside my head still. I just answered him like, “Yeah, I am okay (looking up thinking, trying to ask the others and hearing nothing) yea, I think so. Yea, sure I’m okay.” He looked at me, with a doubtful expression and just said okay. Nobody told me or explained that night why he seemed so frantic. Come to find out, a couple of weeks later, by another employee that nobody had seen me for something like 2 hours. I was missing, during my shift at work, for almost TWO hours, and had no recollection of this. I tried hard to piece together what may have happened. I have some strange memories, feelings of fear, confusion, hiding in a corner, and sometimes just me staring at a wall. It was dark, couldn’t put it together. I don’t know who it was I switched too, but I feel they were confused about where they were at and were afraid. So, they hid. Until my episode subsided and I “came back.”
Here’s incident I was told about by an alter, who’s name is Suzy, about how my only male alter Bel doesn’t like certain male customers who come in regularly and try to talk to us. So when he feels a customer is getting “too comfortable” with one of us girls, he swoops in to put a stop to it. One time, the switch was noticed Bel wouldn’t say his name to a customer who asked. It was one we told about our DID. The customer must have seen something change because he asked “who am I talking to right now?” but Bel doesn’t think they needed to know. Bel thinks they wouldn’t like to know that he is a he, and a he that doesn’t like the he whom he is speaking to. (LOL) Suzy thinks she is able to take care of herself and sees no problem with the fact that men are attracted to us, because she sees herself as an attractive female and it just makes sense. She doesn’t need the attention, but it makes her feel good still, and feels Bel needs to stop doing this to her. (She doesn’t much care if he stops interfering with others just as long as not her). She thinks she proves she handles herself fine. Recently, she actually laughed at the man who asked if I was ready to leave my boyfriend for him yet. She said,”Ha-ha! Oh, not.” Suzy has only been noticed a few times by her somewhat of a “southern” accent she sometimes tries to hide with a more “valley girl” kind of voice. I have family from Kentucky and whenever she was born into existence, she picked up that accent but in order to fit in better with the “popular girls,” she tried to change her voice a bit. A person asking “Jess” where did she suddenly get that accent is usually what happens. Then, Suzy tries to brush it off and wouldn’t admit who she was because there is still the children inside who fear being seen and hurt. Suzy has been noticed, by our change in appearance and voice, but only a handful of times had anyone asked who she was. Maybe it’s just something too obvious and people get “weirded out” and just try to pretend not to notice? It is easier, when people don’t believe in D.I.D., to try to ignore the obvious signs than actually let themselves accept it. You know, because they don’t want to think about it. They don’t want to think about what confuses them and may give them fear for the unknown. And then, only a couple times has she actually admitted to not being “Jess” instead of just “playing dumb” and walking off. Those people she admitted her name to were obviously not a threat for some reason. I have yet to discern what it is that makes Suzy trust and not trust. She seems to be closely tied to the children, who love the make up and the way it looks like she plays “dress up” because Suzy loves to be pretty and fashionable and sexy.
Oh, I just now figured out a short piece of information. An incident, a singular incident, that a certain alter was out at my work, who is an alter that refused to come out at my work. She says, “this job is beneath me, a waste of my time and plenty of the rest of you can deal with it, not me.” This is Morrighan. She is the one who has derrived the nickname of “The Wolf.” If you have seen the movie Pulp Fiction, this will make sense. She is the one we call to “clean up messes.” Haha. Anyway, there was one incident she came out. She sometimes is listening even if she never is working. We were on a break at work. We were sitting in a chair in the office eating because the restaurant is a small place with no employee break room. With our legs crossed on the chair, one of the kitchen workers thought they would be funny by attempting to saddle our lap and grind his crotch at us. Like I’m getting a lap dance at a strip joint. Well, it was a day I was emotionally weak and for some reason we were having trouble between the whole system being exhausted that day. So, it was a day that Morrighan felt it was a good idea to lightly listen in. For this moment, that was an intrusive sexual advance in our opinion, Morrighan put a stop to it before it started. As he tried to to saddle us lifting one leg and beginning to gyrate his hips, Morrighan took advantage of that moment of imbalance with a double fisted punch straight to his sternum. Knocked him back several feat and knocked the wind out of him. Morrighan just immediately and casually goes back to looking at the phone in our hand. Not looking up, and with a cold flat voice she simply says, “You don’t fucking touch me. Make whatever dirty jokes you want, I don’t give a fuck. You. Don’t. Touch. Me.” After that he was bowed over and repeatedly said sorry, puts out his pinky and says “ok I’ll rember, please don’t be mad. Friends?” and she gave him a nod and a pinky and he slowly backed away, a look of shock and bewilderment on his face. Morrighan I know would have had her signature sideways smirk, that always gives her away. Once he backed away into the kitchen, it was another alter ready to resume work after our break. Morrighan obviously had no intention to stay and do our job. Ha.
Okay….the brain is hurting. Posttraumatic Jess here is signing out. I am just too exhausted. Why does trying to remember your own body’s life experiences have to be so exhausting for me? Posttraumatic Symptoms of hyper vigilance got me right now. I’m really on edge. I’m going to just take a break and try again for more information later.