We have to sit down and have this talk with our parents. Not sure what we want or need to say. The thing is, I didn’t realize what happened till just recently. With the way the world was, people wanted to hide things that were embarrassing. Sex is embarrassing. If anyone knows anything about your sex life or your naked body, people act like that’s some sort of power over you. The thing is, we need to quit making sex such a sacred thing. I mean, we obviously don’t treat it that way.
Let me tell you what happens, in a world where you can’t talk about sex. Let me tell you what happens when children think they need to go “tee hee” when they hear words like penis and vagina.
Those kids are not taught that their body is theirs or that sex is for reproduction. They are taught their body is for someone else’s pleasure and it’s required to do to show “love.” They are taught to be afraid of natural instinctual feelings instead of being taught how to maturely handle them and let logic in mind gain control over hormonal body. They are taught to be ashamed of themselves and be embarrassed of their body. That’s why we giggle at these taboos as children. Some where the idea of doing something sneaky that you enjoy makes people giggle. Even if kids didn’t yet understand why nudity or sex was something to enjoy, they knew it was a big deal to adults to hide it.
These kids are taught that sex is something you have to do in a relationship because you “love” someone. Well, at what level do you think we are really mature enough to know that? That’s beside the point. The truth is, first and foremost sex is for reproduction. The pleasure is an after affect that we need to encourage us to do it. The bonding that occurs, that we call “love” is a chemical addiction. An addictive chemical is released in your brain during that sexual encounter and the more you do it, like any drug, the more you want it. The more you want to feel that happy feeling. You so much love that happy feeling that being in the presence of the person is most important to you than any other person. That makes sense, because what happens from that act of “love” is procreation. We all know, a child is better to survive in a two parent household, especially in primitive human worlds I’m sure. So, it makes sense that Nature would set up a plan to “encourage” male and female to stay together after copulation, in case offspring arose from it. It makes sense that Nature makes you literally “addicted” to the person so you want to be close to your drug. There are things other than sex that help for this addiction, as there are reward sensors for lots of actions we do. Sex though is an intensely strong dose of it.
I feel we need to demystify sex. I feel it needs to be explained that the point of modesty is that sexual urges can interfere with logical ones. We are trying to evolve as logical humans.
Now, once we have demystified sex, we can more easily deal with sexual abuse. Children can learn and understand early on the lies of when their abusers says “let’s do like what mommies and daddies do to show they love each other” (like my rapist brother actually told the children in our system). They will know that mommy and daddy do this to make a child because when you love each other you want to make a child. (as they get older you can explain the possibilities of bonding but precautions to not have children as the world is overpopulated anyway) They will know that before puberty or even early in puberty that it is not healthy for their bodies. Children will be more informed and able to protect themselves with the right information. Now maybe you need to tweak it a little bit with what I’m saying, maybe I’m too extreme or blunt for your opinion. However, it is just science to me.
We are doing a very big wrong to our children by being squeamish about sex. It’s mostly because we want our knowledge of sex to stay strictly to pleasure, at least that’s what I believe. I think it’s not about the children “being too young to know.” I think its about adults who only want to talk about sex when they are getting aroused, not talk about it in a form of a lecture or scientific terms. That would take the “sexy” out of sex and nobody wants that. (*snorts*) This needs to change, to help arm children with the knowledge that sex isn’t the requirement for showing love and that it is an individuals right to decide who touches their body and when.
Even if it’s parents or family members wanting something as simple as a traditional family kiss. Adults need to respect children’s wishes about their personal bodies. It teaches them to respect their own body as theirs. So, yea that needs to be expressed too, that even family doesn’t have a right to force their hands on you. This also helps children understand that physical abuse is not okay too, just like sexual abuse, because it’s unwanted touch and hurts them. I can tell you, I had many talks about “Stranger danger.” But nobody ever told us about danger in realms of your own home, your own family.
So now I am at this predicament. I understand my parents’ thinking, believing that I would just “forget” my abuse because I was so young. I mean, doctors and psychologists, those “verified professionals,” were the ones who actually told them that. Why wouldn’t they want to believe they could keep this secret and then when my brother came back, we could “go back to normal?” Who wouldn’t want an easy way out?
I just can’t for the life of me understand how they were able to stomach the fact that my mom’s son’s penis was in their daughters anus for five years almost daily, after several failed attempts to do vaginal without me crying in pain. I get how they could think I would forget. I don’t get how they can WILLINGLY CHOOSE to “forget,” themselves. I mean, I know they remember. How could you not think of that every time you looked at him?
I am so angry, but then I have this guilt because they are my parents. They love me right?
Then, what is love? Is it love to think that I should love my rapist? Is is love for a mother to tell me to forget about it when I tell you I’m still suffering from it? Is it love to tell your daughter to respect the mother who says these things, but not address the wrongness in what she said to me?
What to do? I mean this can only go one way. My mom will blow up. My dad will not be able to think about it because he will be trying to calm my mom down and maybe argue with her. Again, i will be standing there, in plain sight suffering, but completely ignored. Similar to when I was being abused and tried to ask my parents not to leave me alone with my brother because he would “hurt me.” I was clinging for dear life to my father’s leg, screaming in terror and he just got mad, like I was just being a brat. I felt ignored then I a fear I will feel that same way now.
Am I wrong? Is this a delusion? IS this really my reality? I love my parents. They sacrificed so much to makes sure I got a good education, had some privileges even if poor, and I never went hungry. How can I have a right to hate them when they are the reason I am alive? I’m so conflicted.
I won’t have time to think about it. I’m just going to have to blurt it out and run with it. In the same way I did the day I told my abuse. I came home from school to find my mom in the bedroom folding laundry. I said, “Mom…” tentatively, and she absentmindedly says “yes sweety?” while she continues looking down folding laundry. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and just blurted it out, “Mom, me and Jason have sex…” Her head jerks up and she nearly shouts at me, “WHAT?!” Which I remember terrified me. It terrified Connie. It was Connie. This is not my memory. I just got this. I figured it out. I know Connie is the one that knows the abuse. She also doesn’t want to tell anyone. She doesn’t think she is supposed to tell, now more than ever because of what happened last time. It’s all a blur, but I see the memories coming to me, my mom hurriedly waving me over to the bed, has me pull down my pants and lay with my legs in the air. I remember the numbness here. The depersonalization/derealization they talk about with dissociation. I went blank. It was the same way when they examined me in the doctors office. I am missing a lot of memories of my childhood at this point. I really don’t know what else happened.
My parents have a lot of pictures on the wall, of us kids….a family picture each year except the year my brother was sent away. That was only two years. Then, we had a picture of us all together again after he was released from wherever it was my parents had sent him to. It’s so awkward to take note of this now. We didn’t do the usual family picture for the holidays. We just had one picture taken of the three out of four kids left. This was only to show us all in our sports uniforms. It was not really like our usual picture. It was just for the sports and they could pretend they were not taking pictures without the other child there I guess….I see all those pictures in chronological order, a straight line across the wall near the ceiling. I want to point at that picture of me, when i was about 3 years old and I was in the lap of my own rapist, and scream that he RAPED that little girl, or don’t they understand that?
Ugh! How do I do this? It’s just not right. I created a new facebook with not my real name and only added certain people. Last to add was family members, a small few. My dad is on that list. Mom doesn’t use facebook. Obviously though, I wasn’t going to talk to my rapist brother but I never told him I was cutting him out of my life. He apparently noticed a comment or heard something from someone about my new name and he messaged me recently. It was a file I couldn’t download for some reason. Like he didn’t send it right. I don’t know what it is. But since I apparently am at risk of him actually trying to contact me, I have to have this talk with my parents. I have have to have them tell Jason for me or I will have to actually message him myself. Which, I haven’t figured out what to do with that. I just feel like it’s there responsibility, and I’ve suffered enough trauma. I don’t need to confront him. I just need him to go away. In fact, I know you may say I don’t mean this, but I wish he would die. I believe anyone who rapes a prepubescent child needs the death penalty because that is dangerous person. They will only seek to hurt others and fulfill their wants, even if not in the form of literal rape, they will be raping someone some how. Financially, emotionally, psychologically….Rape isn’t just sexual. If this seems to extreme for lovie dovie hippies who say “forgive, man” and “dude he just needs help” well let him be getting help understanding why he is behind bars……..For the rest of his life. No parole. No second chances. No LEGAL forgiveness. You took away a child’s future. You don’t deserve one. Even if you were technically a minor yourself. Sorry guys, even children can be sociopaths, psychopaths, and yes RAPISTS. It is not just a “troubled child” and please don’t try to minimize an offense by mentioning if they had been abused first. I was abused, I never abused anyone else. That’s a crock of SHIT and people need to stop saying that, stop looking at them like children that need protected. Protect the child actually being hurt. I will tell you, my brother should have ceased to be looked at as a child when he put his dick in my ass, excuse my language, but I feel like some people need to hear this vulgarity to feel the shock of it. Pretty words lets them pretend it’s not so un-pretty.
What to do…Am I calling my mother today? My friend Irene said she’d come with me to support me and tell my parents how I feel in person…..I haven’t talked to her in a while…I wonder if she will still. I plan to come to Dayton to visit on Sunday. Will this be the final conflict of my story? Will my antagonist be faced? Will I face my demons? Will I feel vindicated and justified? Or will I be left bereft and empty, without a family and without any identity….or in my case, a fragmented one….
I am Dissociative Jess**
We are Jess** with some fine print.
We can learn to live and love being who we are. I know we can. We have a very kind and supportive team in here, along with some tough cookies to hold us up. I just need to end this chapter of my life, I just need to finally define what my reality is. I need to define what and who my parents are in that reality.
I am learning who we are.
I am one of them, and they are a part of me. I can’t exist without them and they can’t exist without me. Even if we don’t integrate, we can be the closest next best thing, co-concious and living a happy balanced life. We can do self care and love ourselves,no matter what.
I’ve seen Hell many times before. Guess we shouldn’t be afraid of this.
You can’t do anything to me anymore. I am free.
We are Jess** and WE ARE FREE.