What does it mean to be a multiple? What really is the disorder? What does integration really mean?

Being multiple just means the being you are talking to will, at different times, feel different and remember different things. In order to make sense of this constant changing interaction, there are different names to represent each individual identity that functions in control of the human brain, speaking to you. To ignore, disreguard, or deny the existance of these names will only distress the person you are communicating with and complicate the communication with yourself. Knowing who you are talking to helps you understand the different interactions. Helps with communication and working with the system you are interacting with.

This is not one person pretending, knowing exactly what they are doing before they do it and in complete control. This is a human being who’s brain literally learned to develop as a team of separate conscious awarenesses. It is believed many times the brain is forced to develop this way, via trauma, as a means to survive. It is our belief that developing this is more like a syndrome, just a trait, a descriptive representation of a being. It is not a disorder in and of itself. The disorder is dissociation from all parts of the system so they live a chaotic, confused and conflicted life. An integrated system is always aware of what happens and acknowledges their whole chronological order of life. If you think integration means all but one of us that you know disappear, then you don’t understand the brain or what being a multiple is. We never go away. We just understand who we wholly are. Now some may want to say that this is just a “co-conscious” system. Well yes, that is true. It really is a matter of opinion and self identity for what you want to call yourselves. Sometimes you see an integrated system accepting a birth name. I see our integrated system renaming ourselves one name we all can agree upon to respond to, and speaking as one, we move in unison known as a system named that. Like the resprentation of our “company.” Not denying any other part. Just accepting how we want to be viewed.

We plan to go through the legal process of name changing to add this one agreed upon name to represent us. Adding it legally in front of our given birth name. We don’t deny who we are, we just see ourselves as more than what you know. More than you see. We feel picking a name and going as far as taking legal steps to change it even (but not nessarily) should be considered by all systems. We feel it should be discussed and brought up in therapy by professionals as a means to unite all of you as a connected team. A functional system.

It is just a hard time coming to explain this to get the community on board. It is not a negative defect to be a multiple, especially if a connected system. Everyone has a right to express themselves and their individuality. Even if there are many inside one. Each of us deserve to express ourselves and be acknowledged. If we are a system, and if this is truly just seen as nothing more than how a brain developed to understand itself, then less stigma can exist for multiples. I am Dissociative Jess**. I can communicate with all the others in my system but I still don’t feel as much part of them. I don’t want to feel so separate. I want to know how all of me feels. I love and care for all the parts as I’ve gotten to know them, as friend  as family as a team. I want to live all of my life and so do they. We want to be we but we need you to understand that all of “we” is the one you see. Some of us are still afraid because you “out there” can’t understand “us in here.”

There is a difference between Dissociative Identity Disorder and being a brain with a multidentity system. I am coming to a fuller understanding of the brain and how it functions. I don’t want to just sit here and ponder possibilities based on my limited information and fantastic ideas (like how religious guesses were born before trying scientific methods to prove). I wanted to understand why doctors viewed us the way they do. I wanted to know what they know…. plus everything they can NEVER know. Which is, what it’s actually like to be “us.” We want to talk to more professionals and scientists to try to get them to understand what we know. Instead of working so hard to argue about how “real” or “fantasy” or “created/fabricated/false memory” we are, why don’t we just stick to some science? We are asking for help and we are being ignored as if we are not a living human being standing before them. Feeling as if our very life worth is being debated.

This is why we need to stop the “chatter” and start just asking people to volunteer for doing studies and brain scans and different selves being recorded. There are ways to see the physical representation of “us.” I know this. Just have to have the rest of the world come to acceptance and figure out how to include us all, as productive positive members of society instead of an ostracized outcast.

We also feel, this understanding of our separateness as something physical in development and not just mental, will help everyone understand what is actually possible or necessary when discussing integration. We feel that if you think only one identity exists, then you are being fooled by a system who has chosen to use one name. If you think you don’t notice signs of others still there and it is only one of them, and that one says they are the only one left, then perhaps it’s possible that the others got mentally abused through therapy and psychologists and they hid away in shame and depression? I just had to come out and say it. I think doctors and counselors have not allowed themsleves to look at the positivity of being a system. I think the dissociation was what makes being a system look bad. As well as the other issues each part keeps to themsleves and in need of individual healing because different levels of trauma experienced. For reasons of issues many multiples seek help for, it seems being a multiple in and of itself is not one of those reasons. That’s how we really “found out” and “discovered” during therapy we seek for the REAL issues we have (which is not the multidentiy). We have had therapy help teach us how to work on connecting and being a team and all present. Most of the healing though, we have done ourselves. You dont really need a therapist there to help you listen to others and feel empathy. Which is what is required to become a collaborating open system. So, I really just wanted to say that I feel integration is no one goes away as all parts are real and valid representations of a human being. I think the doctors can agree with us on that. I don’t think informed doctors try to tell any of us that we are acting or not real. So if anyone says they dont hear or feel any other different part, we have begun to consider if this is actually a form of abuse where others are bullied or shamed into silence or hiding. Or maybe even afraid, fearful of what would happen if they come out or fearful of the outside world? We feel this way because we have been one alone and many separate. I have been connected with all and then felt nothing, hear nothing but silence. Then…. they came back. Then some come and go. Then, even I had been gone a while, feeling afraid and broken and at times suicidal. And it’s due to life situations and how we viewed and treated ourselves. Sometimes the world was scary and not kind to some of us… Sometimes some of us were not very kind to ourselves. We understand this now. So, now we think we understand the necessity in being one plus we also can appreciate and love ourselves for becoming all of whom we are. Our own each individual selves can be expressed through one body. We are one with many expressions and we all want to communicate to live a balanced life we all feel a part of.

All but one……Just one part left to reach. She has thought she would be the only one who existed…. She thought integration meant we all go away but for her. She considered us “made up” by her because of trauma and healing meant we were not necessary and would “go away.” She is so far apart that she cannot hear us except through deep meditation. However we leave notes and messages and blogs and express ourselves online and on social media. Now, she has read our words. She feels for us. She is a part of us and she is just as kind as any of us can be. So she is quiet a lot now as she feels guilty for hurting someone’s feelings. Which is  unlike before, where she’s considering perspectives of us as real people with feelings now and not just a “fantasy part of her brain.” She had caused a lot of ruckus and we vocalize our pain and disapproval from it. Other people support us too has helped get the point across.

She wanted to force integration because she wanted to not lose time or have things happen she did not know. Now we understand ourselves and want to show her how to work with us so we all are aware together. We were still struggling to understand ourselves and some of us still hadn’t even opened up to the rest of the system though we were aware of each other. So it was really difficult when we tried to connect with the Normal Jess to stop her antics. Now we are more connected and hope all together we reach her.  We have stopped some things from happening again but can’t undo what has been done.  She was going around trying to talk to other multiple systems on facebook and convince them they have to integrate and convince them they are not more than one. She must have felt by convincong them she could convince herself. … and the rest if us….instead it made us have to deal with some very uncomfortable situations and aggressions we did not want to deal with. Even discovering we had been blocked by people and removed from forums we frequented. So, we all are on a mission to be kind to the Normal Jess and show her hurting any of us only hurts us which is also her. Because this needs to stop. We all need to stop hating each other.

The good news so far? She actually is considering the fact that she caused some irreversable changes and negative events. Because of her selfishness. She is not cold hearted and can feel bad for hurting someone. Oh, now finally we may have the ability to reach the part of me none of us can connect with. The most normal part of us because she has never known any idea if the extreme suffering we have. Now we understand integration does not have to mean we all re-experience the past trauma or that all but one of us go away. Now that we understand it is just understanding “us” and living a balanced life we all are aware of and agree upon, that also fits within the rules of society we live in. Now we think it’s safe to be us.

Each one of us heals their own individual issue while the strongest keep us going. We work together and we all reap the benefits of life. Or we all find a way to help each other understand why life isn’t really what we want it to be. Most of all I would think we are more focused on external relationships and life and spend less time inside our head when all are connected. That is why they think of us so much as a disorder. They consider “not being present” a problem. So, let’s be present. Let us ALL be present and express ourselves externally and not hide so much internally.

All smiles and cheers!