Sometimes, I’m not the “Jess” you know of.
Sometimes, I’m not “Jess” at all.
Yet, I’m not really all that different from any of you.
Except with memory and perception.
Welcome to Dissociative Identity Disorder.
This is host *Post Traumatic Jess.* I deal with the basic “physical” symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. I sometimes can interact with other parts inside but sometimes being emotionally and physically drained I lack the energy to. Most people see me most days except when I feel depressed.
There is also host Serendipity Jess, or she often simply signs JD** (our initials are JD and she feels she is the most connected w/everyone so uses the abbreviation for what is essentially “the body’s birth name” given by parents and on records) The asterisks signify that the name has some “fine print” along with it, meaning other identities may be at play in how she presents. She is host when we feel most balanced with each other and have energy.
As well as the third host, using the full name “Jessica,” also “Apparently Normal Jess” (aka “Amnesia Jess”) who has limited and difficult access to trauma knowledge. She goes back and forth between being in denial of DID and wanting to accept DID. She can’t really connect easily with other identities and wants to be the “only one” as she wants other identities to “go away”) She is host for short bursts to fill in when you have to live in the now but the past is trying to resurface. She literally is a “blank slate” and every time she surfaces her knowledge of her situation changes. Not sure if this is the same “Jessica” or perhaps I have many “smaller parts” of “Jessica’s” that I don’t have counted or maybe these are new parts that keep being made. Still working on figuring this out.
Are you following along?
We all respond to any version of Jess/Jessy/Jessica as our name because we are the hosts who speak with the body most often and are most accustomed to the “Jess” identity.
Others respond to “Jess” but will correct you about their name if they have a chance. As long as it feels safe or appropriate. (We learned to hide ourselves and identities as a protective measure)
The names of all the other alters besides 3 “Jess” hosts:
( referred to as genderless and called a singular usage of they/them or a plural usage because they are often “the negotiator” and nuetral who is speaking for all or mediating between. Aways listening and affecting things from the background. Has access to all memories however has a nuetral attitude of trauma. Doesn’t feel a connection with the body as theirs so they don’t feel they physically “experience ” most events. Unless connected co conscious with another’s emotions)
(Down to the detail of she being the ONLY RIGHT HANDED identity, she is pretty much the opposite of all others. They call her “The Wolf” because of her cool and controlled demeanor with a *hint* of danger, as she comes to “clean up the messes”…..Any fans of the movie Pulp Fiction get this? Ha….She is seen as both the intimidator and the savior. An insensitive blunt b*tch to some and a loyal unshakable ally to others. )
(a mother figure who is older maturity than the actual birth age. Often soothes the children internally and is very helpful with therapeutic methods and comforting. She would come off as very similar to the type of “mom persona” you see in old black and white classics. She likes to comfort and help other people and volunteer her help if she can. She hugs a lot. Likes to cook and bake for people. )
(probably the closest thing to “crazy” “unpredictable” we got. They call her “Chaos ” She is always laughing. She doesn’t suffer pain. Her energy is either positive or negative affected by the environment she comes to the front in. See, can be “chaotic good” or “chaotic evil” haha…Full of energy. Doesn’t really sit still. Antagonizing. Takes dangerous risks for fun. Unusual speed in comparison to all other identities)
Erzsebet (aka Erzsi or Zsi Zsi)
Known as “the helper.” Mostly takes over on basic repetitive actions. Will continue a task for another identity if needed or asked. She is just known as the nice one who keeps all the secrets. She spends a lot of time focused on the health and fitness of the body. As it is something most of others neglect it and it’s important to be strong enough to stand up for yourself
Age is 18. Care free, confident, “glamorous”, an accent and higher pitched voice. Sometimes “southern” and sometimes “valley girl” sounding. She has a bubbly and flirty personality. Though 18 is considered an “adult age” she is still a teenager. She is both trying to “act like an adult” and still enjoy being a youth. She usually wears a lot of make up and often changes the clothes we wear to look more “trendy.” Though she only does what she “feels like” it’s often true she can be quite responsible.
Age is 14. Most intelligent but lacks the maturity to handle such knowledge as she has at a maturity so young. Holds many bad memories and often blames herself or takes it out on people trying to help because she cant trust them. Needs reassured often of your trustworthiness, needing to be reassured it’s safe frequently too. Helpful to remind her she is safe and no one is trying to hurt her. Goes from awkward and shy, to angry or depressed in an instant. Can be suicidal and has history of self harm. Talks quietly and makes little eye contact until upset then she screams and becomes offensive. She seems erratic but is a type of protector, pushing people away before they hurt you….or you hurt them
Bill (aka Bel)
Age is 16, the only male alter. Like the “cool protective big brother” we never had. He is also aggressive and impulsive. He is very sexually explicit and humor very perverse uncaring of the audience. Often embarrassingly so. Sees himself as a bisexual guy. His perversions include turning negative abuse experiences into positive sexual desires and fetishes. Likes to take control, but has a quiet personality. Until angered. Has body dysphoria and feels unloved and depressed but always hides it behind a smile and a joke along side a “tough guy” demeanor.
The *Little Ones / Small Children* (age sliders, change but still young)
(twin, age indeterminable, child demeanor)
(other twin, age indeterminable, doesn’t speak)
( age 4)
*Nonhuman* alters that helped with surviving trauma
Kiki (aka “Kitty-Kitty” it’s short for)
Kiki is a cat that distracts from reality as a human, our spirit animal, can speak at times. She doesn’t speak hardly ever, as she comes out when there is nothing to say or we can’t process the situation to converse or interact much. Also seems to react to sex in the way a cat, in a submissive manor, sometimes will fight with “claws” if feeling temperamental. This could be a reaction to not having a normal healthy exposure to sex.
Zoey is a sprite (and sees herself as this small fairy creature when fronting identity). She is mischievous and joyful and playful, high pitched childlike voice when in a good mood but deepens if in a sombre mood. Childish in attitude, has adult intelligence, sexual at times, doesn’t know much about “human customs and society.” She is very curious, sometimes gets her in trouble, and she asks a lot of questions. Mistaken for a child often, Zoey’s considered an ageless “immortal”
Justice is an angel sent to protect, defend, and guide, has no determinable age but mature demeanor. Unusual knowledge, strength, and stability that drastically differs from other identities and host