She wants me to write a blog, so okay here I am writing a blog.
Lets start with introducing myself. Hi. I’m Bill. Also known as “Bel.” I go back and forth. For reasons, not going into right now.
I’m here to write out to explain what I just tried to explain to Jess. We were having a conversation, doing our way of “therapy” and trying to work on this integration of conscious awareness that connects us all (i say integration of awareness, not identities for a reason. Ask if you don’t get what I mean) We’ve been getting better at co-consciousness but any stress at all throws barriers and walls back up.
I’m typing this on a Notepad document. She can do whatever she wants with it later.
So, let me tell you how I see myself. In my youth, to me my body was a boyish body. I had a penis. I remember masturbating, holding it in my fingers, rubbing up and down. I remember living my life like any little boy. Until puberty came. I realized as I grew, my genitals didn’t seem to match what they should look like. I then realized, as I grew more, that I didn’t just have this penis (now something I was ashamed of because it wasn’t like the other boys) I also had a vagina. This body started menstruation very late, almost age 14. This body never developed any sizable breasts, until after a pregnancy and childbirth too. So for a very long time I had gotten comfortable with my body in a masculine way, but nature began changing my ability to be that. I began to have body image and self hate issues. This is where you see less of me in our life. I always appear to be in a good mood, just wanting to have a good time, but I honestly have always been depressed inside. Not sure of how to deal with the situation I am in. You know, as a multiple and what not, I’m not the only one having say over this body. It’s frustrating to say the least.
It is becoming easier though…Anyway, I’m trying to talk to Jess about my memories and who I am and what it’s like for me to be a 16 year old guy and not feeling like I can look the part, be seen and heard for who I am.
During talking to her, I explained to her that I was actually part of the reason we ended up accidentally pregnant. I didn’t do the act but I said the words to lead us to having a male ejaculate into us until we got pregnant. The reason being was, I wanted to give you a kid before I tried to change the body. Now, I’m not talking surgury or hormones really, or anything that extreme. Just see how muscular I can naturally get it. As well as trying to live life sometimes as me, myself, and be refered to as a “he.” I just want to feel good about myself. However, since having gone through the childbirth actually feminized the body more, it’s making this a bit more difficult. I didn’t really know or think about hips widening or increased breast size (it’s a larger cup than before). And then on top of this, we had injury to hold us back from weight lifting to achieve our goals. With degenerative disc disease, protruding disks in neck and lower back, bone spurs, and chronic pain from it all….yea, lifting weights is a difficult thing. But, we ARE doing it a little, in safe ways. Our strength is increasing and we will soon be increasing weights too. So, I feel if we stick too it, we can conquor chronic pain and get the increased muscles we’d like.
So yea, that’s what I was talking to Jess about. Then after mentioning I encouraged the sexaul encounters to impregnate the body for her baby so I could work on making it masculine after, I decided it was time to come clean about more. One example being, At times I was the one that had put us in a lot of sexual situations that she found uncomfortable (or even sick, twisted, disturbing…or possibly just plain gross, ha.) I explained next the reason why is because I didn’t understand what a healthy sexual relationship was.
Now though, I have been listening to things Jess says, things counselors say. I’ve been doing a little reading. Maybe a little soul searching if you will. I feel through all the hard work this system has been doing, I may actually be healing. You don’t know what I am healing though. Jess didn’t either. So the last thing I “come clean” about, was that I am the one that holds most the memories and experiences of the rape by our brother. How can that be, if I’ve always seen myself as male? Well, in talking with the others who also have memories of abuse (and memories I don’t) you will understand how. These others whose names I shall not say because they aren’t ready to “come out” and talk yet, they know of any attempt he tried to mess with the vaginal area. He never actually did vaginal intercourse with the body as far as I know. Yet I don’t know how far he actually got inserted inside either when he tried. I don’t know if he was too scared to force the sex because she screamed and told him it hurt or what. I just know, basically it was anal sex daily and I am the one that knows all the anal and oral sex…and a few other things I won’t go into here, but you see I will know the most since these things happened most.
The doctors have been looking at the wrong ones of us to find out about most of the sexual abuse. Going about things in the wrong way trying to “baby talk” me like I’m a toddler not a teenager. So I get angry and I don’t want to talk. They don’t think that as a teen I know more than anyone. Actually, I did more than anyone, and did some things willingly. And this is the shame that the others suffer, by my decisions.. And I will admit that I had to undergo some intense therapy to understand that what I was doing was not okay even though I was saying I enjoyed it. I did the anal back then, and even now after the abuse I am the one who enjoys the anal sex we ever have done or ever will do. I’m the one that has these sick fantasies with men that really confuse and sort of gross out Jessica. I’m also into a bit of role playing she is very uncomfortable with. I’m just all around vulgar to her it seems. We are working on this. We have had even a sort of system for sex so far, but it’s changing. I mean, at one point it was quite helpful to have me come out and deal with when a significant other wanted to do anal play. Which for obvious reasons would be upsetting to others, connecting it to abuse.
Although seems to me this new (and seems to be last one) boyfriend is so anti-anal. Haha. My anus or his anus – Nobody goes anywhere near any. Haha. So, it’s been hard for me to make a relationship with him work because I can’t even pretend in the bedroom to get the anal. When he knows it’s me, also it’s made things awkward. Because…well…I, on a technicality, am a guy, presenting as a guy and when I try to kiss him or touch him he sort of rejects it. Because he’s not attracted to guys.
Ha so get this, I was telling Jess how it bothers me that he can’t give me the same affection he gives her. He says I’m “too masculine” and he doesn’t find masculinity like this attractive. He means my attitude, for sure, because, look at us. We are a tiny petite body with many noticable female features (try as I might to desperately hide them). We are essentially, for all intents and purposes, the same body that he enjoys when he is with Jessica (or any other mature female alter). Yet when it’s me, presenting as a man, he doesn’t know how to take it. Even if he has bisexual tendencies it wouldn’t help me because my attitude is not very….delicate, lets say. It’s basically not a gentler or softer or “feminine” presentation. So it’s not very attractive to guy who prefers a mate less “rough and tough” in their demeanor.
We are working on this… I spent a few times opening up about my feelings. Hey, this therapy and self help stuff may actually be working! I learned to just talk and say how I felt rejected by him when I even admitted I had feelings for him just like Jess does, but he couldn’t say the “L” word back to me.
But today…today, he called. Jess doesn’t know this yet. This interrupted my typing out this ramble. And I’m done typing now so I’m just going to end it telling about this. Boyfriend called today during his lunch break and I said right from the beginning it was me. Of course the way he talks to me changes, because guys just naturally don’t talk to others guys with the same tone of voice and gentleness that they do when addressing women. But it was a good convesation that didn’t feel awkward. Then, when he got off the phone I said it….the “L” word….And to my surprise I hear back “I love you to. Ha! There did you here it? I said it back this time.”
IN FOUR YEARS HE HAS NEVER SAID IT BACK TO ME, BILL, SPECIFICALLY.
And wow. That really has changed my day.
I think I will actually just copy and paste this right into the blog she has set up. Get it out of this notepad and out to the world. That’s what I’m learning to do, how to interact in the world like a “regular guy.” *wink wink* Alright I’m bored with this now. Ask me some questions if you want to know some things or fill in some blanks. Let me know you’re listening. Maybe I’ll think of more to write later. Are you listening….Jess* ?