I’m swirling in chaos with a death in the family. I’m so disconnected. I feel surreal. I don’t know what year I’m in. I can’t really put my past together. I can see faces and not remember names. I have this recollection of “facts” of my life but none of it sounds right. Doesn’t feel “like me” and doesn’t make sense to me.
I loved my aunt. I have wonderful memories of thanksgiving at her house. I hear the children inside our system. Their voices and their tears. I struggle to not lose control and fight this state. I hear the little ones inside with their reminiscing of joys and now they mourn the loss of this “safe place” we remembered. This begins the triggering….
This death means more than just losing my aunt to me. It frightens me to a state of dissociation, by a lack of control in reality. It feels like life wisps by at high speeds but I’m stuck in slow motion (I’ve had nightmares like this). My aunt was only 59. My dad is ten years older than her, as the oldest sibling in his family he should not be seeing this little sister pass so suddenly. My cousins, the 3 daughters of my aunt Em, are all younger than I. They already lost their dad decades ago so young, in our childhood. The youngest grew up never knowing her dad. She’s just barely 22 and now she has neither parents. My heart breaks for them and I wish to be there to comfort them. I love my cousins so much, they will never know that they helped keep me alive and surviving through my childhood. Anyway… It is unfortunate how life happens this way. I’m accepting of death yet this situation has me triggered. I’m saddened because my daughter was denied the chance to know this great aunt because people I trusted lied to me to adopt her.
All I can think of is who’s going to die next? Is it going to be me? Will it be my daughter? Is there too much suffering for her to handle and I may I not know if she becomes suicidal? How much more abuse can I take from life? Will my daughter be okay if I were to suddenly pass not seeing her first? Will my parents die before she gets to see her grandparents one more time? How many family members will be left for her to meet when my dear Lily turns 18 in April of 2022, and free from the clutches of a cruel narcissistic abusive paternal grandmother that scammed and abused her already abused and broken mother?
This shouldn’t be happening. This isn’t right. People live life like death doesn’t exist. I get it, don’t stress it. But, to live like it’s not an option makes you make mistakes like forgetting when the last time was you called your aunt or told her merry Christmas. Or, to punish one you are angry at, you keep child from them, denying the impulsiveness of existence that leaves irreversible consequences…..Because we all think we have time…
I am overly sensitive to events in my life and am very fearfully aware of the reality of “life is short.” But when time is erased….when time is taken away from you…You are floating, lost and empty. No connection. No family. No identity. No day or night. No dream or awakened state to differentiate. It’s all one collage floating without meaning but is supposed to be representing your reality.
I’m missing my life because of dissociation. I don’t know how much I’ve missed. I can’t feel it. What I am feeling is feeling like a P.O.S. because this illness and life situations I’m stuck in have kept me from seeing family more.
It has kept me from really protecting myself. It kept me from being able to help my child.
It has taken my life from me. Taken my rights to my child from me.
It’s not as if there are no wonderful things in my life. I have learned to appreciate things and I have learned to reflect. I have learned to remind myself I am safe and I am okay. The problem is, all the wonderful things in my life I cannot enjoy. In fact, they cause parts of me to feel guilt and other parts to “punish us for being happy without our daughter.” I’m suffering and I’m dying inside as I tear myself apart from the inside out.
Where is my child now? Does she know I’m fighting to live for her?
Does she hate me because her head is filled with twisted lies?
Is she living life ignoring one day I will, too, pass, and time will cease to exist for me far more than the reality of living with dissociation?
How can I help her? How can I help myself?
How do I deal with seeing family at this funeral?
How likely is it that my abuser will be there?
I had cut him out of my life without explanation. But I never considered having to deal with a funeral yet. I can ignore him. I did well enough ignoring my violent abusive brother just recently at my nieces graduation. I just fear the brother who raped me will try to force the situation where we have to speak. How do I handle this?
What if I suffer dissociative amnesia there and no one understands why I don’t remember who they are?
I try to ground myself but I’m afraid. This fear is eating me.
The more I come to reality the more I feel the fear.
So dissociation increases to numb this suffering.
I want my life back.
No, I want my life to start. I never remember feeling.
I’m being broken down to pieces, curled in a ball sobbing with grief of more sadness in my life and reminders of more pain will be in my future. Completely unavoidable sorrows. Completely powerless we feel.
“In death, we must find reason for life. This isn’t your death yet. Get. Up. “
That’s what she says… I hear you there, Morrighan. I’m getting there.