Aunt’s Death, Outburst w/ Boyfriend….Overwhelmed at work. All same week and we break.

After my aunt had passed, we had a big blow up with our boyfriend, and then to top it off, I had a dissociative moment and blew up on this girl who was quitting because I felt she took kindness for granted for my friend who got her a job there….But the day she quit she or someone she had “anonymously” sent in a copy of the message I sent her….Which my work then preceded to write us up for.

This was all in the course of a week. My work knows about my DID, knew about my aunts death, my managers read the message and LITERALLY said to us “This doesn’t sound like the kind Jess I know” And I say, that’s because it wasn’t. But they don’t get it. So I gave up on trying to explain, it wasn’t Jess, it was June. June, my young 14 year old counterpart, who holds many memories of abuse and all of my anger. June, who’s intellect seems to be higher than mine but she doesn’t have the emotional maturity to handle the intelligence she has. It leads her to “knowing too much” and she breaks down. She also is our self-hate and self-harming. June is a little fireball I have a hell of a time controlling. You can’t reason with her. She always has something to throw back.

This almost broke me. I was ready to quit. The message June sent, I’ll admit, was cruel and vulgar and some of the worst things any one could say…..Things I’d never as an adult woman say, no matter how angry. She also told lies, just because it would feed into the paranoia of the girl she was trying to hurt. She never actually talks the way she did in this message, so I know each word was carefully thought out and “said in a language she could understand” because that’s how June feels about “wanna be ganster” people. So she says anyway. I did not approve of what June said, but I knew she did it because when we feel helpless to protect ourselves or our friends, we lash out with the only weapon we have: our words. And June, well…She is quite good at this. She’s shocked so many with the things I couldn’t even fathom if I tried. It’s so different from me…Had I not been suffering already from my aunts death, I would have had more energy to stay grounded and fight the dissociation that allowed for June to block me out to do this. Too much had happened. I wasn’t strong enough.

I knew what June had said was out of line, however, I didn’t feel my work had a right to give me a written warning for it. I knew that June was not a bully, like they were trying to claim. I signed the paper acknowledging that I was talked to about this, but I looked my manager right in the eyes and said I won’t apologize for standing up for my friends. I knew that I had to earn June’s trust by standing by her when I knew the reasons why she did what she did wasn’t what it looked like.

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4 thoughts on “Aunt’s Death, Outburst w/ Boyfriend….Overwhelmed at work. All same week and we break.

  1. Does June has anyone outside of your system she can talk to? Anyone who understands your situation and would be able to roll with switching? I generally try to keep things pretty tight around others, even friends who know, because they really don’t understand. I’m also fairly certain a few don’t believe the condition even exists. Plus I don’t like seeing the looks of shock, confusion or judgment on people’s faces when I do switch.

    On the other hand, suppressing the switching, not giving enough time for enough of me/we, causes all kinds of physical and mental distress. I’m just starting to find ways to give myself/selves space to come out, explore & mature. I still get surprised and dismayed by this process. For example, I did not plan to come out about having a dissociative disorder, but I did, thanks to a dissociative disorder.

    I’m still dealing with the shock and fallout, but also feeling much more centered now that the bunnies are out of the box, so to speak. If June ever wants to talk to someone and doesn’t have a buddy, let me know.

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    1. We have chosen to be publicly “out” and yes sometimes you get people who don’t believe but nobody has ever been disrespectful to us about it. We understand the struggle of acceptance. The main reason I do this is because I know there are so many multiples who are not strong enough to be public. Or they will only talk on the internet and never show who they really are to anyone in person. Im hoping to “normalize” instead of stimagitize dissociative disorders. The safer we feel in the outside world, the better it is. The more who can trust us and show kindness, the more we can heal.

      There have only been a few who we have announced outloud individual names to when we switch. Usually we are in the moment and we dont ever think about saying who we are and its not until I come back later that I explain the confusion.

      With our boyfriend we don’t have to, he usually can know after 4 years. He still asks to be sure he’s right about who he’s talking to sometimes. We have similarities and to be fair “we all look the same” (haha that’s our sense of humor). But to answer your question, most people think “quiet June” is still a “Jess” and most know now it’s not me when “Angry June” is there because she is so much more immature and less rational than I. So honestly most people have had an issue with June when she comes out and they can’t seem to remember she is a frightened and irrational youth.

      So few people will take the time to deal with her because she has upset them and had a bad incident with them. One friend I know recognizes her when shes turnes argumentative and a way she deals with her is she just starts agreeing with her and then June usually goes away if she feels she made a point or the conversation is

      We are getting her in counseling again so someone can help teach her how to work through these. We had to stop counseling for financial reasons because our DID specialist didn’t take our insurance. Also we reached a stagnant point that wasn’t going anywhere. Now It’s just a matter of time to figure out how to get everyone on the same page and get us back to a therapist. We we doing good with talking it out with peers who understand and writing out our feelings in our blog for us to go over. I guess some people online have helped us at least not feel alone too. Which you would be part of that group because you are here asking questions and listening. So THANK YOU for that! πŸ™‚ We are doing what we can. Going outside and making appointments is a very difficult thing for us. We don’t like to go new places that can possibly feel unsafe or make us feel “exposed.” We discovered this app that lets you do live video chats with counselors that we think will be great. Can do it anywhere so we won’t be late trying to get over the fear of going out the door. We can do it safely from our living room or find an isolated earth path and chat while we wander. June had got your message though too. Maybe she will write you one day too.

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    2. oh I also want to say i totally understand what you mean about the physical and mental distress of suppressing switching. It becomes easier when you all are presently aware and co-conscious balanced. Then it’s not felt like a “supression” but more of a decision. Still takes energy in the way I feel a “normie” would need to keep themselves calm. So energy is always used but on a good day we are balanced and I don’t suffer the head ache of fighting it.

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