After my aunt had passed, we had a big blow up with our boyfriend, and then to top it off, I had a dissociative moment and blew up on this girl who was quitting because I felt she took kindness for granted for my friend who got her a job there….But the day she quit she or someone she had “anonymously” sent in a copy of the message I sent her….Which my work then preceded to write us up for.
This was all in the course of a week. My work knows about my DID, knew about my aunts death, my managers read the message and LITERALLY said to us “This doesn’t sound like the kind Jess I know” And I say, that’s because it wasn’t. But they don’t get it. So I gave up on trying to explain, it wasn’t Jess, it was June. June, my young 14 year old counterpart, who holds many memories of abuse and all of my anger. June, who’s intellect seems to be higher than mine but she doesn’t have the emotional maturity to handle the intelligence she has. It leads her to “knowing too much” and she breaks down. She also is our self-hate and self-harming. June is a little fireball I have a hell of a time controlling. You can’t reason with her. She always has something to throw back.
This almost broke me. I was ready to quit. The message June sent, I’ll admit, was cruel and vulgar and some of the worst things any one could say…..Things I’d never as an adult woman say, no matter how angry. She also told lies, just because it would feed into the paranoia of the girl she was trying to hurt. She never actually talks the way she did in this message, so I know each word was carefully thought out and “said in a language she could understand” because that’s how June feels about “wanna be ganster” people. So she says anyway. I did not approve of what June said, but I knew she did it because when we feel helpless to protect ourselves or our friends, we lash out with the only weapon we have: our words. And June, well…She is quite good at this. She’s shocked so many with the things I couldn’t even fathom if I tried. It’s so different from me…Had I not been suffering already from my aunts death, I would have had more energy to stay grounded and fight the dissociation that allowed for June to block me out to do this. Too much had happened. I wasn’t strong enough.
I knew what June had said was out of line, however, I didn’t feel my work had a right to give me a written warning for it. I knew that June was not a bully, like they were trying to claim. I signed the paper acknowledging that I was talked to about this, but I looked my manager right in the eyes and said I won’t apologize for standing up for my friends. I knew that I had to earn June’s trust by standing by her when I knew the reasons why she did what she did wasn’t what it looked like.