Internal Conversations, Visualization, meditation, revelation…Confusion.

June: YOU WILLL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE ME

Morrighan, standing in a corner, arms crossed, leaning on one shoulder against a wall, her hat down low and her head bowed so the brim of her flat cap covers most of her face, only her smirking mouth visible.

Morrighan says: Still fighting those demons, June? How’s that going for you?

Jey: Stop it, Morrighan.

Morrighan slowly lifts her head, narrows her eyes at Jey, but the smirk never fades. She stands up straight, arms uncross and drop to her sides relaxed, unimpressed by Jey’s assertion.

Morrighan: You got somethin to say to me, Jey? You can’t stand that I am better at this than you thought, can you? Oh, are you mad? Oh, you can’t control me?

Jey stands there, an almost emotionless blank expression, quiet and serene, as they studied Morrighan. Jey’s head slightly tilts to one side and their eyes look her up and down, but they say nothing. Jey was wearing a long dark cloak that made them seem almost formless, as it began to sway and swirl gently around them in a breeze that came from nowhere.

I was only meditating in this moment, doing some visualization to do some internal work on communication and integrating with the others. We have this house in this field by this forest, that we have built to reside in, created by visualization. Where, in this internal world, we can work some things out and communicate. Understand this isn’t hallucination. It’s more like a dream or a trance. I do understand the difference between reality and my visualization. It’s one of the things we learned about in therapy and talk about with therapist to help bridge the gaps between selves in dissociative identity disorder.

So, I arrived in our main hallway where the doors to everyone’s individual rooms are. I came here to start conversations, but this was already playing out as I arrived. So what’s this? Not only am I missing time in the external world, I’m missing out on things going on in my internal world too?

This is strange. I stood in the door way for this interaction between the three. I had no idea what was going on. Suddenly Morrighan’s head snaps around to make eye contact with me.

Morrighan to Me: How bout you? You think you’re going to stop me too? Not today. Jey knows, I know what they know. I’m going to figure out the key to it all.

I stand there, mouth gaping silent, and I’m just lost for words. Suddenly, June is screaming again. I turn my mind’s gaze to see her, clutching fistfuls of hair screaming in her room and what seems like a gust of wind blows slamming her bedroom door shut. Jey was standing by the door, their long cloak gently floating around in the breeze which seemed to only blow around them. Jey stood there stiffly, with their arm slightly outstretched toward the door. I couldn’t hear June screaming any more. Jey’s back was to the door, they make eye contact with me with that solemn serene face, blue painted lips neither smiling nor frowning, and they saying nothing.

I begin slowly backing away until I back out the front door, retreating from my meditation. With a head ache, a racing heart, and far from relaxed, my eyes open up to a more secure place of my living room. I’m going to leave these thoughts in my mind and just keep going on with my daily routine. I’m going to have to work on this later and hope I don’t lose too much time today. I can’t really remember what day I’m in now….

I have no idea what this means. It’s just the strangest thing. I don’t know how I feel about this. I’m so confused. Something doesn’t feel right. If you hadn’t figured it out yet…I’m the one they call “Apparently Normal Jess.” And I’m going to just keep being that, *appearing* normal. I’m not sure I believe this is the right way to go about my healing, talking to these other parts. I still don’t know how I’m supposed to believe these are “me.” Especially since I can’t understand them. Sometimes, I’m not sure if these exercises and tricks therapists have you do for them is a benefit or going to make me into some kinda fractured crazy mess…

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