I am sitting here, in the computer chair, back straight but relaxed, and lights low. I close my eyes. I begin to breathe deeply. I open my eye. I focus on nothing around me. Colors melt into one blurred rainbow. I listen to the music in the headphones as a way to detach from the surroundings.
I guess you could say, here is where “controlled dissociation” begins.
I’m now inside my mind. In our internal world we have worked hard to build.
I’m standing in the middle of the large field of tall grass and flowers that stretches from the Victorian style three story home that resembles a castle. At the end of the field is the thick dark wooded forrest. I hear the many sounds of many animals and insects, the sounds of nature, of life.
Usually it is daylight hours here. Right now the sky is dark. Specks of twinkling light seem to beam rays straight to the ground. I thought to myself, what strange stars? It took me a second to realize it was clouds not a night sky. There were little pin pricks in the clouds to resemble stars. It created an lovely illusion of stars connecting with earth, with the rays of light reaching the ground like sunlight would.
I thought I was alone outside. (except of course for the forrest dwellers, including a couple of the others, Zoey the wood sprite, Kiki the ferral cat, and Justice the guardian angel appears from there) Then, I see them. They are standing there, long blond and blue hair, blue lips, and a deep blue cloack that blew around them, creating an illusion of formlessness. Like water or smoke or fire. Their eyes keep constantly changing colors. I say “they/them” because that is how Jey prefers to be refered to as. Not exactly because of any transgender reason, but because they have lived most of the time inside the mind, not part of the body, so not feeling connected to the sex or gender of anything. Jey also says they are able to connect everyone to them and that to say “they/them” is also a plural usage, because Jey sees them self as able to be representative of all the system. Jey is the one who claims to be the “original” who knows all the information and controlls the inner world. Jey professes they are the “gatekeeper” of all selves. However, they have begun to explain to me that they had lost control at some point and don’t understand why.
Jey begins to talk with me:
“I know it doesn’t usually happen this way. I mean, as far as I can understand what I’ve learned from scholarly writings and other’s personal experiences. I know, for some reason I am different. So do not take my worlds as carved in stone truth for all systems. I don’t know WHY I am different though…
I told this same thing to our counselor, Violetta, if anyone else remembers. I remember very long ago, the suffering made me want to leave my body behind. I detached myself from physically feeling anything and melted into a parallel universe. I don’t know my exact physical age at this time because at this time I was too young to even understand the concept of “age.” I just know I hadn’t been in this body and life very long because I wasn’t quite completely bound to it.
I floated in this hidden parallel dimension. There was something like a doorway between the worlds, physical and metaphysical. I could still be able to hear and see what was going on outside, but I didn’t feel anything. I heard myself talking. I saw myself moving. I was not controlling any of this. That’s when I realized what I had done. And I would do it again and again, leaving behind a blank slate to learn and experience life on their own, in my place. And sometimes not even aware of me existing, even though I was always watching from the shadows and pondering the situation.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Jey was telling me they actually remember the first time we dissociated and knows why it happened. Jey was telling they had the power to control dissociation. I am just in a matter of disbelief. This is too wild. What do I do with this information, I think to myself.
Jey ends this with saying these words:
“Then one day, something changed. I wasn’t well. Somehow we all began to fight, one trying to override the other. Or, my own brain was just injured and would affect my abilities, causing the bouncing around of conscious awareness’s out of my control. Maybe there were too many of them to control. I know how I started this. But then…I just couldn’t understand how they became their own ‘little monsters’ ha-ha.”
Jey chuckles and is just teasing lovingly here. It is not an insult when they say “their own little monsters.” I smiled back at Jey. Then, they reach out their hand and a glowing sphere is floating above Jey’s hand. Inside the globe I see the faces of representation of all of us inside and some shadowy things I can’t figure out. I didn’t have much time to look at it before Jey speaks to me again.
Jey says “This is enough for you now. You must go back now. We must rest”
I try to speak out in protest but my voice was lost in a loud and strong gust of wind. Jey closes their hand on the glowing globe and it fades out like a flame extinguished. They step back into a shadowy area and fade away. I realize the dark clouded sky above me had lost the speckles of light and before me now was sprouting a funnel cloud into the spot where Jey once was standing.
In this moment I am both in awe and thinking I’m completely fucking nuts. I’ve absolutely lost my mind. Remember this is NOT a hallucination. This just visualization. I’m in a meditative trance. So seeing this kind of stuff going on inside my mind just leaves me feeling so weird and I can’t even put it into words exactly why this is happening.
Anyway, what happens is the wind had picked me up. Literally, I’m floating here now. The tornado pushed me into it’s upward spiral and I felt the head rush. Then…blackness. Nothingness. Then, a ringing in my ears. Then, I start to feel my body again. And I realize, my eyes are closed. I open them, once again in my computer chair. I take my headphones off and take a deep breath. Why do I always have to have a racing heart and a head ache after these interactions with Jey? And I am I ever going to stop wondering am I really crazy?