The reward for the headache of trying to heal myself: knowledge of oneself acquired

I just got a piece of information from all this headache and hardwork from my last session of connection. I was in a meditative trance with Jey and they had knocked me out of my own mind deciding I had learned enough for the day. But then as I left, they left me with a new piece of information in my mind. I don’t hear the others talk. I’m the Jessica that can’t hear anybody. We write back and forth, as well as myself using guided meditation and trance states to connect to an internal world where I can interact fully with all alters. We had built a pretty complex world over there. It’s helped a lot. Anyway, the little tid bit of info I just want to post about before I forget. It was this: I have memories now of playing inside my mind with other children who looked kinda like me but kinda not. They were my only friends. I really had no friends, literally, in my childhood. Not until highschool really, but for a few random friendships that would arise and burn out fast because the peer pressure to alienate me. I never figured out why I was the one alienated but I suppose my abuse had something to do with it. So here’s the thing. I had forgotten about them. Maybe it was temporarily taken away to protect me or so I didn’t miss them. The thing is, I learned I grew up, but they didn’t. They couldn’t. Jey had to protect these parts from the world and any new pain, until one day hopefully there was healing for them. I found myself losing a lot of time when I had my nervous breakdown, going homeless, having my legal rights to my daughter stripped away forever because of a malicious con done to me by my own husband and mother-in-law. It somehow made me both weaker and stronger. I was completely broken, but then, I was finally FREE. Free from so many burdens and had a clean slate to start something new. So being stronger even in the worst part of all my suffering, this is what allowed the little children inside to “escape” and “sneak out” without Jey being able to stop them. And that is why I thought I had less “alters” than I actually have in my dissociative identity disorder system mind.


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