“MOVE!” I shout at myself from inside my head, but my body still stands in place, stiffly frozen…

“GODDAMNIT, MOOOVE!!”

I’m trying with all my might to get control of the body. I was late paying rent but I was also late paying the late rent (was given the letter but waited one more day after that to actually drop off the check). So, I got an additional charge I have to pay. Someone inside doesn’t want to live in this apartment anymore. It has become a dangerous, triggering place. I can’t go into detail to explain the experiences that may be at play to make someone else inside feel this way. But here we are, fighting each other inside the mind trying to control the body’s movement….or lack-there-of…

“Move your legs! Don’t just stand here! You HAVE to do this. WE have to do this! Stop fighting me. O-M-G give me my body back, damn it….Pretty please with a cherry on top?”

I just got no answer. I don’t know who this is fighting me. This invisible force holding me isn’t just part of my PTSD fight-flight-freeze. I can feel their presence. I would think it was the usual self destructive, trouble making, angst-y teen June, but it’s not here. I don’t know who this is….I know who knows, but they aren’t talking. I will never understand why Jey is so damn mysterious and elusive and avoidant. This isn’t cute, damn it. Yes, not a chance Jey is going to share with me today. Thinks I can’t handle the truth or something. Ha…..(gotta keep a sense of humor in these situations or you go nuts)

I’m just getting so frustrated here. I finally got control but now it’s too late to do what I needed to do. I’m in disarray. I can still get myself to write the check and drop it off but I was just on the phone with them and said I was on my way…..two hours ago…. That’s right. I’ve been standing in one place trying to utilize EVERY SINGLE technique ever learned from any therapist or self help or book read…..And it just took me that long. I couldn’t give up. No matter how long it takes. I only have this life to live and movement is always better than standing still…..Even if that “movement” is simply electrons and protons firing across synapses.

You are alive. Feel your body.

Don’t just sit there.

I see you.

Be.

 

 

 

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