I am a victim of child-on-child sexual abuse. I have suffered my entire life from it. I am now 35 years old, I have been on SSDI disability income for about 6 or 7 years when I finally broke down because I couldn’t protect myself from abuse in my adult life, on top of the abuse from childhood unhealed. I suffer with PTSD, dissociation, anxiety, depression, self harm, memory issues, agoraphobia, and eating disorders. I suffer with isolation, lack of identity, bad decisions and bad relationships because I couldn’t know how to care about myself to make healthy life choices. I couldn’t make it through high school, and I continually try to go back to college but my disorder makes this difficult. I’m constantly struggling to keep jobs….I’m constantly struggling to keep FRIENDS too as my disorder pushes them away or they cannot understand me….My disorder makes this all difficult. My every day life is a struggle and confusion.
I work hard to heal myself but it’s not easy. It’s constant suffering. I have to feel pain I’ve been numbing my whole life in order to heal. I have physical ailments related to the abuse I suffered as a child, including painful bladder syndrome (interstitial cystitis) and I have back pain and spinal issues. Do you understand how I am suffering to this day, from something that happened in my childhood decades ago? Do you see how I cannot escape a permanent crime scene: my very body? While they get to walk away from the crime scene and forget (or actually, be left with their happy memories of what they did to me.) Since I am trapped here for life, I believe all sex offenders, of ANY age when they offend, deserve to be trapped for life also. They need life imprisonment of some sort, to permanently protect society, too.
People chose to try to help the teenager who had been raping me for years and raped me the first time when I was not even in school yet. He was the boy who was a person of authority in my life that betrayed that trusted responsibility to protect me. He was the boy my parents trusted to babysit for just the short time of 45 minutes to an hour while my dad drove to my mom’s work. That short time was all the time he needed, 5 days a week for 5 straight years to rape me until I told on him. My parents never pressed charges. He goes into a group home. He come’s out, at 18, with a case manager to help him get a job and find a place to live. I was 10 years old when he was released from the group home. I had to sit with him and my parents and his therapist so he could give me his “apology” and “explanation” for his actions while everyone congratulated him on his “big day” and this big achievement for him (nice job. way to go. way to give the narcissist his narcissistic feed, everybody) I was a very minor person involved in this story, even though I should be the main character. I’m told to forgive him and love him, for “bad things happened to him to make him the way he is.” And of course I can’t be mad at him because it’s not his fault, right?
I received about 6 months of therapy and that was it. He got help for years, and my parents continued to help him and enable him in adulthood by letting him move back in (and I was still a child living there, and he was now an adult who was left alone with me. The same person who raped me just a few short years before.). He ends up living a normal life, welcomed back into our family, and no one in the family but a few ever knew what he did. He marries, has children, divorces, remarries, takes college courses, has a career, changes to another career, buys a house with cats and dogs. He gets to do what every other average person gets to do. He is my own brother, and my own parents said they didn’t want to “ruin his life” by pressing charges and making him a sex offender for life, nor did they want to see him in prison, where he “might get hurt” being such a small guy. Oh, yes, they couldn’t ruin his life…
However, by doing this, they ruined MY life. They made me feel like my body was not mine, and what was done to it was meaningless. As if what he did had not hurt me in any way at all. I was forced to dissociate from the reality of everything I suffered so much that it permanently damaged me, BUT with dissociation I appeared to be okay. They believed they did the right thing, because I was smiling in the presence of the man who raped me and treating him like a brother, after he had seen and touched and violated every orifice of my body inside and out, starting from my age of 3 years old and he was only 11 years old.
I have a traumatic brain injury and a fracture of identity. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder and dissociative identity disorder, and it has been a constant struggle for me my whole life. I will continue to suffer the rest of my life, on disability, having lost my own child because of abuse and memory issues and manipulated to give legal guardianship that led to adoption. I cannot suffer any more for what has happened to me. I cannot let this happen to anyone else.
This choice also ruined other people’s lives…..First of all, my daughter’s life was ruined when the mom she deserved to have was taken from her because of the effects of abuse and the minimizing of of it. Then as well, from that day on, any of the women he was involved with he still was abusive to — physically, sexually, emotionally, psychologically, financially…….EVERY SINGLE WAY POSSIBLE TO ABUSE he has continued to abuse. He walks through the world protected because no one feels it’s right to speak up about what he does, instead trying to find reasons and pity for him for why he does what he does. There were signs he molested his own daughter too, possibly making his son and daughter do sexual things together for his pleasure. Yet, he has gotten so good at getting sympathy and pity from people, he convinced his wife it wasn’t true. And so again, he was never charged.
He has been in and out of jail in his entire adult life. He is now over 40, always struggling with drug and alcohol abuse. His first wife knew about what he did and he was honest and said he “paid his dues.” Which my parents always like to remind me that he “did his time” now that I am healing and told them he is no brother to me. He did NO time. He was coddled for TWO SHORT YEARS in a home for troubled boys. He barely had any time in juvenile detention, and never prison. Yet here he’s convinced people he’s REALLY suffered fairly somehow, for the daily rape he gave me for 5 STRAIGHT YEARS in the beginning of my very life. It was all I knew for the first years of my life. He has not suffered at all.
His second and current wife, however, knows nothing about what he did. Then, I hear she called his ex wife one day to ask if I and he had ever “done anything” or if something had happened between my brother and I when I was young. Apparently, his new wife had discovered him looking at porn…..And not just ANY porn……CHILD PORNOGRAPHY……And even worse, not just ANY child porn, but specifically “brother-sister” and incest related.
He is not a good person, and he will never be a good person. It’s hard to think of children as unfixable, because they are still developing but the thing is, if you are born without empathy, it cannot be taught. What my parents taught him, is that if he can con someone into feeling pity for him then he can get away with murder. He was not sorry for what he did, he was sorry he got caught. By not pressing charges to make him a sex offender for life and by not exposing him, instead hiding his crimes, they enabled him to hurt many more people.
It’s apparently hard for adults to accept that sexual desires are unchangeable. They don’t know what to do if they show these sexual desires in the very beginning of their youth, the moment they hit puberty, because they don’t think of kids even having sex. Maybe they think since kids shouldn’t have sex, that kid’s sexual desires shouldn’t exist either. Who knows. I think since we are in an age that we know you can’t stop someone from being homosexual or trans, then you cannot talk them out of being a pedophile or having sexual pleasure while another suffers without concern for their life. THAT IS A PERMANENT FLAW IN THEIR BRAIN. In order to keep children and society safe from whatever horrible thing they will do (even if it’s not sexual assault related) they need to be permanently excommunicated or life imprisonment. They don’t deserve a second chance to hurt someone.
You may say “but they are CHILDREN!” Yes, but their victims were also children. And as that predatory child grows up, it will be an adult and continue to be a predator to women and children. Which child is the one you should really care about protecting? NO ONE EVER stops being a pedophile. No one (man or woman) who has sexually assaulted or even just sexually harassed can ever be taught not to think that way. They can be shamed by society. They can be THREATENED by lawsuits and jail too. Yet, trust me, they won’t change inside. The first temptation they have, they will always take it. These people will spend the rest of their life fighting these dangerous urges so they don’t get punished but they will always re-offend. It’s statistically proven that the majority will. We need to look at the facts and the numbers. So if someone has to spend the rest of their life ignoring and controlling a sexual desire, imagine how long and difficult of a time a child has ahead of them. You don’t think they will re-offend within that very long time left in their life to fight these urges? Unlike convicted adults who only have ten or twenty years, we’re talking 50, 60 years for child offenders to ignore this. And what will they do to satisfy themselves until the point they completely give in to their desires? They will just be disgusting criminals and abuse in some other way for pleasure. We all make excuses about how passion and sexuality takes away your ability to reason. Which is why we always excuse male’s behavior and blame the woman for exposing skin or flirting. We make excuses for child offenders like they aren’t permanently going to want the pleasures they sought in the first place. It’s time we stop this and see the facts. Sexual assault and sexual abuse and sexual harassment are the signs of dangerous people. Period. Even if not sex crimes, they will abuse and harm people, children, animals. Facts show this truth.
I have learned, that sexual assault is something more than just “boys being boys” and not controlling hormones for either sex. I have learned, it is a serious flaw in the mental capacity of a human being that cannot ever be reversed. They are con artists and anyone who has the ability to violate another creature, making them an object and not alive, is the most dangerous person in the world. That IS a sociopath, and sociopaths can also be CHILDREN. No matter how much you want to be in denial, it’s dangerous to not accept this truth. This is a person that can commit any crime, anything to satisfy themselves. They may never rape again because they don’t want to be caught for that, but trust me they will be a sexual deviant and if they see they can get away with sexual assault in a circumstance, the temptation may be too much. These people cannot see that another human being has a right to their own life and body, over their own desire to satisfy themselves. These people are capable of murdering someone without any remorse too.
These people are also children. And it’s sad and hard to accept but we have to. We have to start protecting the innocent children and keep the offending ones away from all children permanently. Stop coddling and protecting offenders, because you want to believe its natural to want to violate people when you are a child and that they just need “taught differently.” Once you do an adult act like this, you cease to be able to be viewed as a child, in my opionion. This is how they developed their sexual desires in their puberty, this is what they will carry into adulthood biologically no matter what, and they are permanently set brain patterns. You cannot stop a pedo from being a pedo, no matter how young you catch that pedo.
There is one exception. A child in any type of cult may have been taught that this is what they are supposed to do. However, it is not inherent in their being to WANT to do and they CAN be taught other ways. For the most part though, pedophilia is a sexual orientation, just like being straight or gay or bi or asexual or pansexual or anything. This is a dangerous sexual orientation because it doesn’t have consenting adults and can permanently damage or kill the victims. It takes a complete disconnection from reality for a child or teen to be able to do this to another child, and getting pleasure while they suffer. So you’d have to work hard to prove to me that someone actually TOLD that kid they needed to do this and it was right to do this and prove to me that kid didn’t enjoy it and will want to do it again….Brainwashing is real, I know. However is it mostly the case in child sexual abuse that the offender was brainwashed to do it? I think not. It’s possible, but not enough to consider excusing all pedophiles who are not adults legally (even though it’s them at puberty, so that is the start of physical “adult” in the world of biology.)
All I have read and my own personal experiences prove to me, you cannot prove that they were brain washed or didnt enjoy it for most cases. So don’t even try to consider this in the first place until signs say a cult was involved. See that “offending child” as not a child but as an offender. A very dangerous one. If we could lock these children away the rest of their lives, imagine how many more innocent children we could ACTUALLY SAVE.
In the words of Spock:
Sacrifice one to save the many.
A child knows they are not allowed to touch other kids, so don’t tell me that they didn’t have a choice in their actions. Even if they were abused, actions are choices. So, like I said, unless you can prove they were told to do this and forced to do it because of a cult making them against their will, it was 1000% that child’s personal choice to please themselves at what ever cost. It is that child who is uncaring about another individual. You can’t say they didn’t know what they do is wrong, because my 11 year old brother was smart enough to threaten me not to tell mom and dad or he’d “beat my ass.” He knew what he was doing and he was sick at that age, and he is STILL sick and manipulating people now. I fear for the grandchildren in his life that belong to his wife’s adult children. Now there is nothing I can do. I can only share my story and try to save others.
And just so you know, I do understand some of these offenders may have been abused themselves. I wish I could stop all child abuse, I really do. However, your individual decisions are YOUR choice. We don’t ask adult criminals what happened to them in their childhood to make them live this life, because it’s a choice. Maybe you want to pretend since children can’t legally consent to things that maybe their choices are really their own, but they are. It doesn’t matter what was done to them, it matters what they are now. That is, a permanent danger to society. You don’t have to be mean to them, you can keep them all in a group home forever for all I care. Let them have a life with people in the same situation. We can invent a program for that maybe. And then they are only a danger to each other. Give them all the psychological help they need of course, too. They are going to need a lot of it to understand why they have to live away from society their rest of their life. They are just going to have to accept that they don’t fit into society and if it’s not their fault they are the way they are then they just have to accept what IS their fault. Which is, their own personal decision for sexual gratification. The chemicals released when you release sexual gratification are made to bond two people together, essentially ADDICTED to each other as they are addicted to the rush of the orgasm with euphoria. So here, when a sex offender does his assault, he is further becoming addicted and will crave that as bad as an addict craves heroine. We need to see the reality of this. No more coddling and forgiving child on child sexual abuse. They are NOT innocent little children. I AM a child with their innocence lost forever…Lost so soon, I never even got to know what “innocence” was, having been raped at 3 years old, by my own sick brother.
So curb your tongue when you want to have sympathy for minors who are sex offender when you talk to me. I know you THINK this is “compassion.” THIS IS NOT COMPASSION! THIS is minimizing the crime and enabling.
I lastly just want to say, the biggest mistake every one makes is the assumption that a child is “young enough to forget” so that excuses the behavior of the offender somehow. I did not forget. My mind just stored the memories away until I was strong enough to deal with it one day. Although, stronger I am, I don’t know if I am strong enough. What this entails is all my other selves coming forward, facing all the trauma and pain, then trying to learn to live life together inside our mind and heal everything together. Even if I couldn’t quite recall the memory of what happened, it did do permanent damage to my brain to make me react like it was continuously happening.
We. Never. Forget.
Don’t you forget.