Another part of me wants me dead….And then I woke up…

***4-21-19….Edit: going back through my posts I often find I say some inappropriate things that may upset others or be offensive. Undertand I mean no disrespect. I am likely under duress when I write things like this. It disconnects me from reality and it’s like I forget how to take note of unhealthy language. When I say things like “you” for example, I don’t mean to sound like I’m telling anyone else how to live. Im not directly speaking to *you* the reader. I really mean it more general, more to myselves… I really mean “I.” And it’s really myself I am angry with and/or yelling at. Which still isn’t ok. I thought about editing this, to make it sound more appropriate, because in this mess is a valid experience, but I want to document how I react to things. Because it’s probably happened to other people. Leaving this here like it is, allows me to own what I did in the altered state, which ever part of me spoke it. Even if I don’t agree and feel I would not have said it this way. This helps me understand the internal turmoil I was experiencing. I apologize to any who may feel hurt and triggered by this. But my blog after this is more of how I want to present myself. You can see the evolution of language and it is less chaotic and distressed. As I had a period after writing this blog that I hid in my mind, barely came out, letting others mostly take the reins,  I discovered things about myself and my selves while inside my internal universe. I now have come back to take controlling of my actions and be the leader my system designated me to be.****””

 

I have not been here for a while…. Like here present in my body. I lost control when my dad died. I have dissociative amnesia for the past several months.

The “host” controlling this body was another “me” with limited understanding. It wasn’t the “whole complete me.” Well honestly I’ve never been a whole complete me. But this was even less of me. This was another alter, who is known as Jey.

Jey began as nothing but a shapeless being of electricity. Jey is the result of me being electrocuted in my childhood. Yes, electrocuted in differing levels of intensity all over my body I remember from very young. I have recovered some new memories. I don’t remember all of how this happened. I just know the physical reality I suffered.

I started this writing as a way to figure myself out. And maybe someone somewhere could use this to help figure some more things out. I also wanted to leave a legacy for my child taken from me in an adoption  against my will, to potentially find one day. To give her understanding. I wanted to help everyone understand…..

Now some things in me have changed. There are new things learned.  I don’t see this life as my life. I don’t feel my original plan is my goal any more. It’s part of growing up and healing for me to realize I am not well enough to do the things I want to do. Big tragedies were always will knock me out of my mind so long as I am dissociative like this. And I don’t want to be like this. And I don’t believe I have to be.

While I was away, many parts of me were running amok. While I was away, Jey began absorbing information that they used to mold themselves into what appeared to be a human, but they never were anything more than information and thoughts. They are not actually a person. Without me there to be the objective human, the toxic people in me were able to convince Jey to allow some things to happen. All because it was “an experience.” All because, in Jey’s opinion, Russian Roulette is not a game of “chance” but a reaction to every element in the environment. My alters always lived life on the edge, deciding we are supposed to be dead, not alive. They do things and say, hey there is a 50/50 chance we live or die ….so let whatever we do decide if we deserve to live. Because we don’t believe we deserve to live. We do seek something to prove that.

None of this makes sense… I know it doesn’t.

But what ended up happening was, Jey got many of my selves to blend with them and they were controlling the body. They can’t seem to understand that some things were not good. That in many ways we were slowly killing ourselves.

They didn’t know enough about caring for the physical body to be aware of it dying. And I discovered something about Jey too late…They don’t see death of this body as death to them. They see that as them being set free. Free electricity. Free from confines of this body and able to travel along starlight across the universe. This I see now has made Jey my “accidental enemy.” It doesn’t make sense to them to keep living life in this form.

They tried to take over my life while I was gone…. An experiment, with a 50/50 chance of deciding whether it was worth it to be human.

I guess they decided it was not.

I guess, this was an opportunity for the other alter who wants me dead to try to make me disappear … Or the second option being suiciding us all …

I am not up for this … I had no idea how deep my issues were. Now I have to change my life…. And save my life. I can’t save anyone else if I can’t save me first. I need to reset. Something I meant to do a long time ago, but always excuses stopping me from disconnecting and hiding away. Now I have no more excuses.

Before I broke down I was beginning to decide I needed to go off the grid. Disconnect from everything and focus on me … Other parts of me did not like that idea … They helped prevent me from deleting everything. Especially once my dad died, I had no strength to fight them.

Other alters wanted us to go off grid, but not for relaxing. I discovered some dark part in me I never knew, that has a vigilante sense of justice and doesnt seem to care about people in our life. Like she doesnt know anyone.

It was mix of self destructive alters who caused a string of events to endanger my/our life . … To make me go away so the one who wants to disappear can disappear off the grid how THEY want to. To live the life they want to. Or to die if can’t get control of our life.

Except…..

This set of extreme events woke me up though. That was an unexpected result. I apparently am strong enough to spontaneously integrate some alters and “wake up” in control of myself but still I have some impulse control issue where I can’t stop some words of other alters coming out of my mouth when I’m triggered into a dissociative state.

I can’t own my anger. I understand this now. I can’t forgive myself either, so I constantly seek to punish myself. I want attention but only know how to get negative attention. Because I unfortunately learned that no one helps you if you nicely ask for help. You have to actually cause a scene to get noticed.

THEN they want to take pity on you and help you. That’s what I learned growing up in an era that believed an innocent child was a shame on the whole family. I was told to be silent. Keep my abuser’s secret. So he could “get help” and put this all behind him. Because I looked ok. Because they never asked me for all the details for how bad it really was. They asked MY ABUSER what he did. As if he’s willing to offer up all the truth and wouldn’t lie to cover it up. If I had had made a scene then, people maybe would have wanted to help me instead of more worried about him. Fixing his “mistake.”

My family never knew the truth.. whenever a sex offender is caught, it’s NEVER the first time they did it. It’s only the first time caught. And they don’t know that a high number of sex offenders will reoffend. They just didn’t have all the information. They were conned by a young con artist and wanted to believe he was savable. I get it. He was their son. It must be a hard thing as a parent to confront. Probably pretty traumatic for them too…

So thus far I now have a deeper understanding. And I spent all these months inside my head analyzing and pulling up forgotten memories to make sense of my life.

I know why each part of me exists now. I know now that they don’t belong in this world externally, but only internally. For on the outside i am only what others can see. On the outside we can be only one. And outside there are many people who NEED me to be one.

It is dangerous to think that it’s ok to switch between selves in order to keep living your life. Being dissociative means you, the ‘you’ you are right now, only has partial control of a full life waiting for you. And to say you are meant to be multiplied is to say you are not worthy of a whole complete life.

However it’s not your fault for being this way when you didn’t choose to. You can’t hate being this way, but actually have to appreciate it helping you. There comes a time though, that the situation that they, the “alters,” learned to exist in no longer exists…. And then when that situation no longer exists, you need to know that dissociation no longer should be the choice to deal with life.

Humans are wired to need other humans. We also come with a mind packed with survival skills without another human to help us. In the end though, humans don’t thrive well alone. And that “person” you love, who is like your best friend and “the only one who’s ever been there,” is actually not physically there at all. Which is actually harmful to you to depend on that, because humans NEED physical contact. Humans need humans. We survive not because we have the ideal physical genetics with our squishy flesh on sticks. It’s because we thrive TOGETHER. They, the “alters,” are no real replacement for the comfort and warmth of a real physical human being.

You cannot live your life multiply, not externally. Not forever, anyway. You must take every piece of you and mix it up and spit it out in one big wad of a complex human being. I understand you may not know who that “complete you” is because I’m sort of at that point myself, building up who I really am now that I don’t want to live dissociative.

You have to own your body. Accept your physical limitations. And every part of you has to stop living in denial of your physical reality. You can have the ability to walk with the confidence that you are a tall super model….even though you are only 5’5″. That confidence will carry you a lot farther than convincing yourself that you indeed have a 6 foot leggy Victoria Secret Model body—SOMEWHERE in the universe….(but just happen to be stuck in the head of some short girl or guy and totally not know why you are like a spirit possessing some practical strangers body….i mean, really, it’s creepy when you think about it…)

Although I don’t want to lose my friends, because I know they are not bad people, just ill people like I was, I can no longer enable people to stay this way. Although I know they are not purposely meaning to hurt anyone, I have seen how it’s harmful to people with DID to get involved with thinking it’s “nomal” they are this way and get involved in communities that support that idea instead encouraging clarity of mind and healing.

You are not multiplied, you are divided. You are not something or someone just because you say you are when nothing on the outside at all denotes it’s fact. Physical reality is where we all exist and agreeing on what we all can see is how we can understand each other.

It is unhealthy to spend all your time in your mind. I learned this the hard way. Accept and love every part of yourself enough to see that it is truly YOURSELF that you love. And bring ALL PARTS OF YOU out into the light. And let yourself experience all you experience.

And I learned the hard way… if you are worried that you will “miss” someone inside oh so much, you have to get therapy to deal with the fact that it was you the whole time, but dissociated. There really is no one to miss. Also, realizing it IS you means you now get to be that person in reality for someone else, the way you helped yourself when dissociated.

And you have to tell yourself that it will be much better to find an actual physical who can be exactly that person for you on the outside too.

I understand why people want to stay dissociative. Life feels overwhelming and alone. I don’t expect anyone to agree with me, but if you stay dissociative you can get hurt, I’ve witnessed it in others and experienced this myself. Yet if you own your experiences, you can live life to the fullest. There is no one “alter” who is more “real” than any other. Its just you have to realize there is a time and a place for everything….and even for when to be which dominant “you.” And you have to realize how if you want to separate your experiences for your own benefit, you selfishly deny others the ability to easily bond with and rely on you. Because as far as anyone else is concerned, you have never changed. Your body didn’t morph, even if characteristics appear to present differently. Even if different abilities worsen or improve. You are still inherently biologically you.

Instead of encouraging building up all separate lives and understanding the differences in each part of you keeping you more separate, more time should be spent getting every part of you to always be present, and learn how to accept and own and exist in what you physically are. No matter what, every part of you needs to learn and accept the truth. Or you literally are in denial, every time you say “not my body.” No, sorry. With out this body, you don’t exist. You. Are. Your. BODY.

I finally learned this. It overrides all the others who don’t accept this body as theirs. And now, like magic, they are not separate any more. They are in me, part of me, not something separate I have to passively let control me. But of the few left, we have those who can accept the body as theirs, but not the LIFE we live. That’s what i am working on now…

There were a group of 18 “categories” of me. And a few of those categories have sub categories, but not individually big enough to be their “own thing.”

The remaining are only the group of Jess, which is me cycling through moments of amnesia, then we have the group that mixed into Jey…. And then I have this new part of me I never knew was hidden in me but explains a lot now that I know, and it seemed like she presents as having her own DID inside me. Dissociation is a strange devil. I have one child alter left, named Connie. She is very angry and can have violent outbursts now, feeling in pain at all times because of holding body memories of abuse. Until she feels she has justice and a safe place, she can’t let go. I don’t know how to comfort her. But sometimes she will be calm and try to play…

And lastly there is one stand alone alter who refuses to believe any other part of me is the real me but her- Morrighan She’s a tough one to deal with. But I know it’s because I’m a tough one to deal with and SHE IS ME. I’ll keep repeating until all see it.

So now I know what I need to do to integrate is to, no matter what, own my experiences (say “I did it” even when I don’t remember, even when another part of me was there when it happens, I still own it.) Now I know that I need to pick who I want to be and stick to that. Say my name. Say who I am. Remind myself every day. It works. As I make my world safer, the need for the separation will dissipate. I will still have access to all parts and they will still get the experiences they need. Yet we know we are “I.” No more identity confusion except I’m confused on who really I’m supposed to be. I guess I have got the rest of my life to learn how I really feel about life because I never really experienced it fully before.

All I ever wanted was a normal life. I think it’s too late for that now. However I can live a comfortable life. I am not writing all this to be remembered. I’m writing all this to be forgotten but the lessons I learned remembered.  I am going to do what I’ve always wanted and find myself a cozy spot nestled in the middle of a crowded city where I can really disappear. Just be an old fashioned house wife type and tend to my tower gardens and live out a peaceful life with my pets.

I don’t feel I need to write here anymore. Maybe I will delete this all. I have discovered I was my own worst enemy and self indulgence is a big part of the problem. I am happiest and safest in the most simplest life. I will be happiest healed, and not a burden to anyone.

I am integrating. Its not over yet but I’m on my way. It’s  is not scary. What’s scary is not having a say in your own life and your own body because you have dissociated and can’t have full awareness or control.

Nobody “dies” or gets rejected. I really can’t explain it. All parts of you are like always there when you need them, but your view about your physical reality changes. It all makes more sense somehow. If I stick to the plan, I will win control over all.

But I’m still dissociative. I still get feelings of disconnected and out of body and I understand that now as part of MY symptoms of my PTSD. And possibly a good idea to look into nuerology for understanding if there is something affecting impulse control and other things like that having to do with my reactions. I’ve realized sometimes DID can mask another disorder as much as DID is mistaken to be another disorder when it isn’t. (Such as people saying a child or person has ADHD or bipolar or borderline personality) So now what I once thought was just an alter and their “personality,” after integrating that alter I see they were the cover for the condition. Now I can take control. (Well, it will take work but now it’s an option, now that I know I have a neurological condition that alter was hiding)

This is so much rambling that makes very little sense I’m sure. I am trying so hard to explain how after months of Dissociatiative amnesia a scary event woke me up and an integration occurred when I came out fighting for control. The only thing is this may have happened too late. Even though what I did woke me up and healed some of me, what I did while Dissociatiative may have permanently caused a problem I can’t fix. Its weird how my life works out like that…. Never get that “happy ending” without a sucker punch of a catch. No, I am to accept that I am meant to be a martyr or a muse and never get to live a good life myself.

Well…. At least I can have a few laughs.

I can’t believe this is how it ends.

So anticlimatic and not really even a happy ending.

I just am going to have to learn to live with myself.