Healing dissociation from complex trauma is a long road, and for me, a difficult path of self discovery and mapping my “internal system.”
So far we know there are 15 different names of identities outside of 3 different “hosts” who go by “Jess” publicly. Inside these “hosts” are given nicknames to separate between the Jess’es (that’s 18 identities in all). Each Jess will have different knowledge and memories. Sometimes we all don’t have all the information, and through our writing we are trying to learn.
There are potentially a greater number of selves than we currently perceive, as one of these “host Jess” identities may not be just one. This one acts different and remembers and forgets different things but still claims to be Jessica. We haven’t confirmed how many there are, so they are one category of an identity as “The Fractals” collectively or simply “Amnesia Jess” or the “ANP” Jess. We will go into detail about each of these hosts on the “Bios” page about everyone, linked below and on the menu bar.
*Let me tell you about why we are here writing…*
I am using this to piece together a skeleton of information for what will one day be a biographical story about childhood sexual abuse, the child victim and the adult survivor. I am not sure of what direction to take this yet. I’m just starting off, as I use my life for an example of real life Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) to raise awareness. My goal is to gain acceptance of this condition and ending stigma, as well as healing myself. Though I know it’s not the path for all “multiples,” I am myself on a journey with the rest of the people in my system toward integration of us all. As close as we can get, who knows it may not fully happen.
I feel I need to type *TRIGGER WARNING* here to cover entire blog
I (and other parts of me especially) often have no censor and speak freely about abuse history — embarrassing, disgusting truth and all. I am going to mention details of what abuse was done to me and how I experienced it. I will describe the sexual contact, the violence that almost killed me, the actual words said to me as psychic war fare and emotional abuse. Also, some things will be hard to handle as I’m overloaded with emotions and I vent occasionally. I may even post while under duress or in a dissociative state.
Anyway….Read slowly and carefully, at your own risk, if you are prone to certain words about traumas causing triggers. I am warning you now that my intent is to discuss some difficult things and describe some difficult details. I usually try to give more detailed than vague post titles, so you can probably guess how likely it would trigger you. (some titles so long, you’d think it was the actual post itself. Haha)
If you can’t read, I will not hold that against you. Self care is always important and we understand. I’m just trying share my story and I know from sharing it many times, it all is hard to take for anyone, no matter what situation they come from or how much of a “tough guy” they think they are.
I struggle living with a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I am trying to piece my life together to heal trauma from my childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence, among other things gone wrong. I have missing information in my memories as each part knows different things. As I slowly recollect repressed memories and as I connect with all of the people in my dissociated system, I am discovering difficult truths. I am discovering abhorrent and shocking things about how the adults in my life reacted and still react to this day toward the rape that happened to me. I am not here to completely defame and “trash” everyone. I’m hoping to open everyone’s eyes by sharing this. I see their lack of understanding of the situation, lack of information, and lack of ability to even deal with it. The best way to fight that is to encourage ending the ignorance and learning about the situation and affect of trauma on the brain.
I lost everything that ever mattered because of not having the right support and not understanding my disorders and abuse, including being manipulated out of rights to my own child via legal guardianship that led to adoption. My own husband and mother-in-law were supposedly educated about mental health (mother-in-law a psych nurse even) but they still were ignorant on the subject of D.I.D. I wish I knew then what I knew now so I could have fought the emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation.
They made me out to be a monster, abused me so I didn’t know what way was up, and even had me, myself, fearing I was a “dangerous monster” who deserved to be outcasted. Made me afraid of myself so I signed legal guardianship trying to do the right thing as a mother: protect my child even if that meant to protect her from me.
I did my best to get help, I was fighting for my disability. I was homeless, nothing but a car and some clothes to my name. After losing my rights to my daughter forever after just one year of legal guardianship, I fought to survive the return of the worst dissociation I could have, the return of alters I had once fused and nearly forgotten, my number of selves now doubled….and perhaps, even growing more than I knew.
Feeling like I’ve nothing worse to lose, feeling stronger having managed to find help and support to overcome so much, I am beginning to share my painful story to help other people. I know I may receive backlash for bringing this subject and history of my life in the spotlight, but I want to be the voice for the children who don’t have a say in their own recovery.
With all this, I am on a path of healing my D.I.D. and c-PTSD, as well as kept very much busy repairing some situations in my life as a result of my trauma (medical, financial, educational, legal, familial, etc). Showing the world who we are and getting acceptance without, will lead to acceptance within.
I am learning to use the word “I” as ownership. I am learning to use the word “we” as acceptance.
I am many selves, and probably always will be on some level. We are very unique creative people. As it is true, integration isn’t the erasure of anyone, but the mixing in of everyone and painting a crazy new picture! So we all are still here, even if changing. Ha.
I need to learn to accept myself no matter the level of healing I am. I hope to inspire others to do the same. I hope to create a safer world in the general public for multiples, because our life is scary and hard enough. We have enough people “out to get us” so we don’t need new people making up agendas to make our lives more difficult.
This story of trauma is not even the worst, keep in mind. I speak also for those who don’t have the strength to.
People often try to console you by saying that “at least the worst is over” or maybe something like “it could have been worse…”
What they don’t know, what I want them to think about after they hear my story, is the truth I’ve learned in my experience:
Know that worse things can happen…..and they do.
This time though, I’m ready to fight back.
(Don’t forget to check out the details and “mini bio’s” about the others in the System of Dissociative Jess here: https://dissociativejess.wordpress.com/blogposts/dissociative-thoughts/namesandinfo/)
One last statement:
If any of us upset you, please give us a chance to discuss possibilities of mending any harm before you cut us off. If we have done something beyond repair (as we understand we sometimes do) we will offer apologies and hope for you to recover from any detriment we cause. We are trying to find ways to hold each other accountable.
We are only human. Yet… We never really had a chance to “learn how to be human.” So we are trying to now.
You know what I mean?