Please remember, some blogs are written during dissociative episodes and may not reflect a logical or positive representation of the non dissociated selves. Know each blog only represents the emotional state of the identity in the forefront who is writing it. Known this is a temporary thing.
It’s a long path of self discovery and mapping your internal system. So far we know there are 15 different names of identities outside of 3 different “hosts” who go by “Jess” publicly but inside are given nicknames to separate between the Jess’es (that’s 18 identities in all). Each Jess will have different knowledge and memories. Sometimes we all don’t have all the information, and through our writing we are trying to learn.
If any of us upset you, please give us a chance to discuss possibilities of mending any harm before you cut us off. If we have done something beyond repair (as we understand we sometimes do) we will offer apologies and hope for you to recover from any detriment we cause. We are trying to find ways to hold each other accountable.
We are only human. Yet… We never really had a chance to “learn how to be human.” So we are trying to now.
You know what I mean?
*Let me tell you about why we are here writing…*
I am using this to piece together a skeleton of information for what will one day be a biographical story about childhood sexual abuse, the child victim and the adult survivor. I am not sure of what direction to take this yet. I’m just starting off, as I use my life for an example of real life Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) to raise awareness. My goal is education and ending stigma, as well as healing myself. Though I know it’s not the path for all “multiples,” I am myself on a journey with the rest of the people in my system toward integration of us all. As close as we can get, who knows it may not fully happen.
I feel I need to type *TRIGGER WARNING* right here to cover my entire blog
I have no censor and I speak freely about my history, embarrassing, disgusting truth and all. I vent occasionally just to get it out of my system but I’m not always as upset as I sound, as it’s usually triggered by flashbacks that I gain control of eventually…..Read slowly and carefully, at your own risk, if you are prone to certain words about traumas causing triggers. I am warning you now that my intent is to discuss some difficult things and describe some difficult details. If you can’t read, you can’t. Self care is always important and we understand. I’m just trying share my story and it all is hard to take for anyone, whether they’ve suffered similar or had easier life. It seems to tug at the heart strings of even the strongest “tough guy” out there. So, now, I’ve explained how reading this blog will feel. I don’t need to write it for every blog. You’ve been warned.
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I am trying to piece my life together to heal trauma from my childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence, among other things gone wrong. I have missing information in my memories as each part knows different things. As I slowly recollect repressed memories and as I connect with all of the people in my dissociated system, I am discovering difficult truths. I am discovering abhorrent and shocking things about how the adults in my life reacted and still react to this day toward the rape that happened to me. I see their lack of understanding of the situation, lack of information, and lack of ability to even deal with it.
I am not here to trash my parents or family, I am only trying to help others know what my family had no way of knowing. I know there are some sad things I will have to share about my family, but please trust that I know that information lacking and their own pains also had something to do with their choices. It was strangely the way the world seemed to react to this, by just trying to bury it. Thinking the child who’s traumatized is young enough to forget.
It wasn’t just my parents, it was many other adults in my life from teachers to coaches to doctors to counselors to spiritual leaders. They just had no way of knowing what had actually happened to me or how bad I really was affected by it. They had no knowledge to go on. There is STILL not enough information to go on to this day. That needs to change. This needs to be taken seriously. D.I.D. is no joke, no game.
If I tell what I went through, then maybe people can know what to look for. People can help children before they become broken adults.
I lost everything that ever mattered because of my disorders and abuse, including being manipulated out of rights to my own child via legal guardianship that led to adoption. My own husband and mother-in-law were supposedly educated about mental health (mother-in-law a psych nurse even) but they still were ignorant on the subject of D.I.D. They made me out to be a monster, abused me so I didn’t know what way was up, and even feared I was a monster who deserved it. Made me afraid of myself so I signed legal guardianship trying to do the right thing as a mother: protect my child even if that meant to protect her from me.
I did my best to get help, I was fighting for my disability. I was homeless, nothing but a car and some clothes to my name. After losing my rights to my daughter forever after just one year of legal guardianship, I fought to survive the return of the worst dissociation I could have, the return of alters I had once fused, my number of selves now doubled.
Feeling like I’ve nothing worse to lose, feeling stronger having managed to find help and support to overcome so much, I am beginning to share my painful story to help other people. I know I will receive backlash for bringing this in the spotlight, but I want to be the voice for the children who don’t have a say in their own recovery.
I want to be what I wish I had as a child. Someone who says they matter more than the future of those who rape them of a normal life.
With all this, I am on a path of healing my D.I.D. and c-PTSD, as well as kept very much busy repairing some situations in my life as a result of my trauma (medical, financial, educational, legal, familial, etc). Showing the world who we are and getting acceptance without, will lead to acceptance within.
I am learning to use the word “I” as ownership. I am learning to use the word “we” as acceptance.
This story of trauma is not even the worst, keep in mind. I speak also for those who don’t have the strength to.
*HERE ARE THE NAMES AND SOME INFO ABOUT EACH*
MORE TO COME AS THE JESS IDENTITIES BREAK DOWN WALLS AND BUILD BRIDGES BETWEEN ALL SELVES. SIDE NOTE: YOU WILL SEE EVEN ALTERS HAVE NICKNAMES FOR THEMSELVES. 🙂
Sometimes, I’m not the “Jess” you know of.
Sometimes, I’m not “Jess” at all.
Yet, I’m not really all that different from any of you.
Except with memory and perception.
Welcome to Dissociative Identity Disorder.
This is host *Post Traumatic Jess.* A.K.A I am *THE* “Dissociative Jess.” I deal with the basic physical and emotional symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. I sometimes can interact with other parts inside but sometimes being emotionally and physically drained I lack the energy to. Most people see me most days except when I feel depressed.
There is also host we call Serendipity who doesn’t feel like she has an identity so often has an asterisk when she signs her name. The asterisks signify that the name has some “fine print” along with it, meaning other identities may be at play in how she presents because she is somehow more connected with all the identities and she can communicate easily between the internal system world. She is host when we feel most balanced with each other and have energy to be co-conscious living and working together as a team.
Finally, there is the one who forgets so we can live on. She is the third host, using the full name “Jessica,” the one the others nickname “Apparently Normal Jess” and “Amnesia Jess” who has limited and difficult access to trauma knowledge. She goes back and forth between being in denial of DID and wanting to accept DID. She can’t really connect easily with other identities and wants to be the “only one” as she wants other identities to “go away”) She is host for short bursts to fill in when you have to live in the now but the past is trying to resurface. She literally is a “blank slate” to survive triggering situations and every time she surfaces her knowledge of her situation changes. Not sure if this is the same “Jessica” or perhaps I have many “smaller parts” of “Jessica’s” that I don’t have counted or maybe these are new parts that keep being made. Still working on figuring this out.
Are you following along?
We all respond to any version of Jess/Jessy/Jessica as our name because we are the hosts who speak with the body most often and are most accustomed to the “Jess” identity.
Others respond to “Jess” but will correct you about their name if they have a chance. As long as it feels safe or appropriate. (We learned to hide ourselves and identities as a protective measure)
The names of all the other alters besides the 3 “Jess* ” hosts:
( referred to as genderless and called a singular usage of they/them or a plural usage because they are often “the negotiator” and nuetral who is speaking for all or mediating between. Aways listening and affecting things from the background. Has access to all memories however has a nuetral attitude of trauma. Doesn’t feel a connection with the body as theirs so they don’t feel they physically “experience ” most events. Unless connected co conscious with another’s emotions, often has a flat affect or appears awkward and uncomfortable as they try to understand human etiquette they aren’t used to. They consider themselves the “gate keeper” and the “first alter” who believes they caused the creation of others by refusing to feel attached to the body)
(Down to the detail of she being the ONLY RIGHT HANDED identity, she is pretty much the opposite of all others. Has control over her emotions, is always clam unless she is angry. Even her anger is controlled though. It’s not that she is fearless but she is courageous. She does lack a little empathy for others, but it was probably a necessary protective measure to be the only one who can do things necessary to survive. Sometimes things that even require harming others. They call her “The Wolf” because of her cool and controlled demeanor with a *hint* of danger, and as she comes to “clean up the messes” she will very much point out everything you did wrong…..Any fans of the movie Pulp Fiction? “The Wolf” character in that movie is someone she models herself after. Ha Ha….She is seen as both the bully and the savior. An insensitive blunt b*tch to some and a loyal unshakable ally to others. She has a softness for children and animals.)
Eva Marie a.k.a Evie
(a mother figure who is older maturity than the actual birth age. Often soothes the children internally and is very helpful with therapeutic methods and comforting. She would come off as very similar to the type of “mom persona” you see in old black and white classics. She likes to comfort and help other people and volunteer her help if she can. She hugs a lot. Likes to cook and bake for people. )
Ana a.k.a. Morgana
(probably the closest thing to “crazy” “unpredictable” we got. They call her “Chaos ” She is always laughing. She doesn’t suffer pain. Her energy is either positive or negative affected by the environment she comes to the front in. See, can be “chaotic good” or “chaotic evil” haha…Full of energy. Doesn’t really sit still. Antagonizing. Takes dangerous risks for fun. Unusual speed in comparison to all other identities)
Zsi Zsi a.k.a. Erzsebet
(she is known as “the helper.” Mostly takes over on basic repetive actions. Will continue a task for another identity if needed or asked. She is just known as the nice one who keeps all the secrets. She spends a lot of time focused on the health and fitness of the body. As it is something most of others neglect it and it’s important to be strong enough to stand upnfor yourself )
(Age is 18. Care free, confident, “glamorous”, an accent and higher pitched voice. Sometimes “southern” and sometimes “valley girl” sounding. She has a bubbly and flirty personality. Though 18 is considered an “adult age” she is still a teenager. She is both trying to “act like an adult” and still enjoy being a youth. She usually wears a lot of make up and often changes the clothes we wear to look more “trendy.” Though she only does what she “feels like” it’s often true she can be quite responsible. )
(Age is 14. Most intellectual but lacks the maturity to handle such knowledge as she has at an age so young. Holds many bad memories and often blames herself or takes it out on people trying to help because she cant trust them. Needs reassured often of your trustworthiness, needing to be reassured it’s safe frequently too. Helpful to remind her she is safe and no one is trying to hurt her. Goes from awkward and shy, to angry or depressed in an instant. Can be suicidal and has history of self harm. Talks quietly and makes little eye contact until upset then she screams and becomes offensive. She seems erratic but is a type of protector, pushing people away before they hurt you….or you hurt them)
Bill a.k.a. “Bel”
(Age is 16, the only male alter. Like the “cool protective big brother” we never had. He is also aggressive and impulsive. He is very sexually explicit and humor very perverse uncaring of the audience. Often embarrassingly so. Sees himself as a bisexual guy. His perversions include turning negative abuse experiences into positive sexual desires and fetishes. He does this by saying he wanted to do the things and that he was in control, protecting the children. He likes to be competitive. Has a quiet personality until angered but gets hyper sometimes. Has body dysphoria and feels unloved and depressed but always hides it behind a smile and a joke.)
The *Little Children* (younger than teens)
(twin, age indeterminable, child demeanor. Doesn’t want to interact with other alters but loves to interact with people outside the system. Loves to be outside in nature and especially around trees. Has a whole hearted believe in angels and fairies and that magic exists and she can learn about and find all these things. Believes she can communicate with ghosts and spirits in other dimensions.)
(other twin, age indeterminable, doesn’t speak, except her twin Emerald seems to “communicate” some how. Always disappearing as soon as we notice a shadow of her, she is much a mystery. According to Emerald, she is “like a ghost” and only she can see her)
Eloise( age 4)
Playful and imaginative, likes to draw with pencils and blank paper more than color, likes cartoons, and often she is the one keeping me awake late at night and eating all the snacks in the cupboard, leaving dishes and trash around, and toys in the middle of the floor. Though mostly cheerful and adorable, she gets frightened by young boys and teen boys, but older fatherly men do not frighten her. When she gets upset she becomes inconsolable and will retreat back internally, where usually Eva Marie is sent to console her.
She is always in pain. She is quiet, fidgety, trying to pretend she’s not hurting, until the moment she breaks down and is in need of comfort. She is stuck in trauma time of abuse. It’s hard to connect with her and it’s hard to bring her forth into present reality so she can heal. She rejects any kindness, believing it a trap and she only understand physical touch to mean pain. When we are under a lot of distress, often times we’d feel sensations of pain shoot through the body just because someone accidentally brushed up against us. We’ve had this issue since about middle school age, and it seems Connie is still keeping the feelings we never healed.
*Nonhuman* alters that helped with surviving trauma
Kiki (aka “Kitty-Kitty” it’s short for)
Kiki is a cat that distracts from reality as a human, our spirit animal, can speak at times. She doesn’t speak hardly ever, as she comes out when there is nothing to say or we can’t process the situation to converse or interact much. Also seems to react to sex in the way a cat, in a submissive manor, sometimes will fight with “claws” if feeling temperamental. This could be a reaction to not having a normal healthy exposure to sex.
Zoey is a sprite (and sees herself as this small fairy creature when fronting identity). She is mischievous and joyful and playful, high pitched childlike voice when in a good mood but deepens if in a sombre mood. Childish in attitude, has adult intelligence, sexual at times, doesn’t know much about “human customs and society.” She is very curious, sometimes gets her in trouble, and she asks a lot of questions. Mistaken for a child often, Zoey’s considered an ageless “immortal”
Justice is an angel sent to protect, defend, and guide, has no determinable age but mature demeanor. Unusual knowledge, strength, and stability that drastically differs from other identities and host