About Dissociative Jess

Healing dissociation from complex trauma is a long road, and for me, a difficult path of self discovery and mapping my “internal system.”

So far we know there are 15 different names of identities outside of 3 different “hosts” who go by “Jess” publicly. Inside these “hosts” are given nicknames to separate between the Jess’es (that’s 18 identities in all). Each Jess will have different knowledge and memories. Sometimes we all don’t have all the information, and through our writing we are trying to learn.

There are potentially a greater number of selves than we currently perceive, as one of these “host Jess” identities may not be just one. This one acts different and remembers and forgets different things but still claims to be Jessica. We haven’t confirmed how many there are, so they are one category of an identity as “The Fractals” collectively or simply “Amnesia Jess” or the “ANP” Jess. We will go into detail about each of these hosts on the “Bios” page about everyone, linked below and on the menu bar.

To skip to the part about the names and identities of all selves in our system brain,  by clicking this link here to go the page of: Bios: 18 Parallel Selves

*Let me tell you about why we are here writing…*

I am using this to piece together a skeleton of information for what will one day be a biographical story about childhood sexual abuse, the child victim and the adult survivor. I am not sure of what direction to take this yet. I’m just starting off, as I use my life for an example of real life Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) to raise awareness. My goal is to gain acceptance of this condition and ending stigma, as well as healing myself. Though I know it’s not the path for all “multiples,” I am myself on a journey with the rest of the people in my system toward integration of us all. As close as we can get, who knows it may not fully happen.

I feel I need to type *TRIGGER WARNING* here to cover entire blog

I (and other parts of me especially) often have no censor and speak freely about abuse history — embarrassing, disgusting truth and all. I am going to mention details of what abuse was done to me and how I experienced it. I will describe the sexual contact, the violence that almost killed me, the actual words said to me as psychic war fare and emotional abuse. Also, some things will be hard to handle as I’m overloaded with emotions and I vent occasionally. I may even post while under duress or in a dissociative state.

Anyway….Read slowly and carefully, at your own risk, if you are prone to certain words about traumas causing triggers. I am warning you now that my intent is to discuss some difficult things and describe some difficult details. I usually try to give more detailed than vague post titles, so you can probably guess how likely it would trigger you. (some titles so long, you’d think it was the actual post itself. Haha)

If you can’t read, I will not hold that against you. Self care is always important and we understand. I’m just trying share my story and I know from sharing it many times, it all is hard to take for anyone, no matter what situation they come from or how much of a “tough guy” they think they are.

I struggle living with a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I am trying to piece my life together to heal trauma from my childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence, among other things gone wrong. I have missing information in my memories as each part knows different things. As I slowly recollect repressed memories and as I connect with all of the people in my dissociated system, I am discovering difficult truths. I am discovering abhorrent and shocking things about how the adults in my life reacted and still react to this day toward the rape that happened to me. I am not here to completely defame and “trash” everyone. I’m hoping to open everyone’s eyes by sharing this. I see their lack of understanding of the situation, lack of information, and lack of ability to even deal with it. The best way to fight that is to encourage ending the ignorance and learning about the situation and affect of trauma on the brain.

 

 

I lost everything that ever mattered because of not having the right support and not understanding my disorders and abuse, including being manipulated out of rights to my own child via legal guardianship that led to adoption. My own husband and mother-in-law were supposedly educated about mental health (mother-in-law a psych nurse even) but they still were ignorant on the subject of D.I.D. I wish I knew then what I knew now so I could have fought the emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation.

They made me out to be a monster, abused me so I didn’t know what way was up, and even had me, myself, fearing I was a “dangerous monster” who deserved to be outcasted. Made me afraid of myself so I signed legal guardianship trying to do the right thing as a mother: protect my child even if that meant to protect her from me.

I did my best to get help, I was fighting for my disability. I was homeless, nothing but a car and some clothes to my name. After losing my rights to my daughter forever after just one year of legal guardianship, I fought to survive the return of the worst dissociation I could have, the return of alters I had once fused and nearly forgotten, my number of selves now doubled….and perhaps, even growing more than I knew.

Feeling like I’ve nothing worse to lose, feeling stronger having managed to find help and support to overcome so much, I am beginning to share my painful story to help other people. I know I may receive backlash for bringing this subject and history of my life in the spotlight, but I want to be the voice for the children who don’t have a say in their own recovery.

 

With all this, I am on a path of healing my D.I.D. and c-PTSD, as well as kept very much busy repairing some situations in my life as a result of my trauma (medical, financial, educational, legal, familial, etc). Showing the world who we are and getting acceptance without, will lead to acceptance within.

I am learning to use the word “I” as ownership. I am learning to use the word “we” as acceptance.

I am many selves, and probably always will be on some level. We are very unique creative people. As it is true, integration isn’t the erasure of anyone, but the mixing in of everyone and painting a crazy new picture! So we all are still here, even if changing. Ha.

I need to learn to accept myself no matter the level of healing I am. I hope to inspire others to do the same. I hope to create a safer world in the general public for multiples, because our life is scary and hard enough. We have enough people “out to get us” so we don’t need new people making up agendas to make our lives more difficult.

This story of trauma is not even the worst, keep in mind. I speak also for those who don’t have the strength to.

People often try to console you by saying that “at least the worst is over” or maybe something like “it could have been worse…”

What they don’t know, what I want them to think about after they hear my story, is the truth I’ve learned in my experience:

Know that worse things can happen…..and they do. 

This time though, I’m ready to fight back.

(Don’t forget to check out the details and “mini bio’s” about the others in the System of Dissociative Jess here: https://dissociativejess.wordpress.com/blogposts/dissociative-thoughts/namesandinfo/)

 

One last statement:

If any of us upset you, please give us a chance to discuss possibilities of mending any harm before you cut us off. If we have done something beyond repair (as we understand we sometimes do) we will offer apologies and hope for you to recover from any detriment we cause. We are trying to find ways to hold each other accountable.

We are only human. Yet… We never really had a chance to “learn how to be human.” So we are trying to now.

You know what I mean?

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30 thoughts on “About Dissociative Jess

  1. Hi there, I have just been diagnosed with DID and found your blog, I am also writing one with encouragement from my therapist. I would love to have contact with you if you are open to that. I was a missing person for 5 weeks and it took almost 3 weeks for me to even remember I had a husband and children. Please check out the beginnings of my blog and if you are open to communication, I would be thrilled to talk and share and learn from you. Thankyou, Alice

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Alice, Jess here. I’m not well at fast replies but I do my best. I’m sorry to hear you suffered a dissociative fugue like that. I had a similar experience but it only lasted about 12 hours for me. I ended up walking very far from home after an argument with my then-husband that triggered me late one night. I became aware of where I was several hours (and miles) later and walked the 10 miles back home. I have also recently had incidents for short periods where my car ended up somewhere random too. Sometimes that is an alter’s doing. I wish you well on your journey to understanding and healing

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are an amazing woman. I am thanking you now for your blog, I am a psychology major and DID is a major interest of mine. I hope that I will have a chance to get to know all of you through your posts.
    Thank you for sharing your experiences with the world. Hopefully, you can open up some minds to the topic.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Jess. I don’t have DID but my daughter does. So l have seen what people with DID go threw. She has come alone way. And you will too. I never knew so many people were DID until I got on Twitter.
    I hope you have family that supports you. If you need to vent. I have a ear for listening.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Hi there- maybe you saw that I shared this page on Twitter. I will share it as often as needs be to help others understand what you face. Although I don’t experience DID, complex PTSD is an issue for me every day. See you around- either Twitter or YouTube Live as Trauma Recovery University is in <15 mins. as of my reply post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi there again, Jak. Just sifting through messages and saw you here again. Thanks for supporting us all….. and by the way, Every thing I do, I do badass. 😎So even though Twitter and social media is not my “thing” I most definitely still excel if I must use it. 😉😏Have a great day. Your Friend, Morrighan.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s very kind of you to say, Morrighan. I do my best, but I don’t think I’ve been as supportive of June as much as I could. She usually talks to me when I am triggered, as well, and I’ve really struggled on how to say things in a much more clearly empathetic way. I guess my parts are less obvious, but one of my psychiatrists say I have “autistic tendencies”, and I suspect the autistic part of me is part of what turns some people off. Well, maybe the persistent pain, too.

        I hope you, Jess, Suzy, June, and all the others I’m forgetting their names are as well as they can be. I hope they can come to know I don’t have any ill will, and that they believe me saying that’s not who I am.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Jess,
    My name is Anuj Agarwal. I’m Founder of Feedspot.
    I would like to personally congratulate you as your blog Dissociative Jess has been selected by our panelist as one of the Top 25 Dissociative Identity Disorder Blogs on the web.
    http://blog.feedspot.com/did_blogs/
    I personally give you a high-five and want to thank you for your contribution to this world. This is the most comprehensive list of Top 25 Dissociative Identity Disorder Blogs on the internet and I’m honored to have you as part of this!
    Also, you have the honor of displaying the badge on your blog.
    Best,
    Anuj

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hey Jess(es, because there are the 3 of you) , Jey, Morrighan, Anna, Avemarie, Zsi Zsi (it’s a cool name,btw!), and all the others! 🙂

    I just want to say :

    Thank you for surviving and sharing!
    I believe it’s hard for you, but I hope from the bottom of my heart you’ll find your peace and happiness eventually!

    Have a nice day, to whoever reads this 😉

    Stay strong!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. HI Jess,

    The way I have come to understand is that all of us normally have different sides to our personality, your different sides (and of people with DID) are just a lot more clearly defined, distinguished and have separate names. Like you have a separate individual inside you for a separate side of your personality.

    It is so commendable what you are doing here, it is important to paint a true and honest picture of a terrible situation for other to be able to learn from your experience and be able to help those in need… but our society doesn’t always make it easy.

    Sending love and strength your way.
    N

    Liked by 1 person

  8. From my we to your we, hello. I won’t bother leaving my name just because it changes so frequently. I got diagnosed recently (within the last few years), and am in another one of those “oh there’s the alters again.”

    I just wanted to stop by and say thank you. You are so strong, I have come to Google to hopefully find another blog that I plan to create. I wanted to make sure that I do it correctly (as in warnings and also the whole this is only a temporary thing) and your lay out is just amazing.

    I don’t have a blog just yet, however will be creating one shortly. Needless to say, I will be reading much more – it’s nice to know I’m not alone in this disorder. Thanks again.

    A.R. Gee

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hello Andrea,

      Glad you are reaching out for help, that is very important. An ISSTD certified therapist is the best way to go for answers… Yet we know from experience sometimes therapists aren’t always “helpful” or for some are not an option, so I can offer you some “supplemental” things to help. Like maybe direct you to some interesting websites related to whatever issue you are having. These are just sites I like from my own personal preference, and you are free to dislike them. So, it’s not like I’m an expert, I just live this DID life. Ha-ha! I am not a professional, I am just a patient (group of patients? LOL), yet I also can offer you opinions and empathy from my own struggles feel relate to yours. I cannot say if anything I’ve done will help you but maybe you will find inspiration for what does help you. If you want to talk with someone who can relate and understand, I can do that. I have Twitter and Facebook or email if you would like to utilize one of those methods to chat with me. Twitter is easiest for us. We use that all the time. I may not be on FB or email for a month or more at a time.

      Sincerely,
      Jess*

      Like

      1. Hello Andrea, just give us a bit of info on what exactly you are struggling with and we can see if we can point you in the right direction.

        Thanks for stopping by our site,
        we really like to help people if we can and hopefully we can find some way to help you, at least a little.

        This reply courtesy of Zsi Zsi, for Suzy, and the little children, who really want to show they really care to help you.

        Like

    2. Hello Andrea, just give us a bit of info on what exactly you are struggling with and we can see if we can point you in the right direction.

      Thanks for stopping by our site,
      we really like to help people if we can and hopefully we can find some way to help you, at least a little.

      This reply courtesy of Zsi Zsi, for Suzy, and the little children, who really want to show they really care to help you.

      Like

      1. Thanks so much. I have 20 alters I call my inside sisters. We have recently had some remarkable things happen and five of us integrated. It has been a wonderful experience. I have never had much memory of my childhood at all, remembering only beginning in my teens years but thought this was normal until I discovered I had DID and other parts of me carried those memories. I have always had a very close relationship with my dad. From almost the beginning of learning I had insiders, all of the younger ones from teenage down to 3, they have shared horrific tales of my father sexually abusing them. I just always treated them with sympathy and compassion as I would any other child. Unfortunately we are at a stalemate in regards to my father. I simply cannot believe he would ever treat me anyway but loving. Early on one of the sisters confronted my dad. He denied ever doing anything harmful to me. I am torn. I love my father deeply, but cannot stomach the idea of hurting him. How do I know my insiders are being honest or they’re not just confused. My dad is such a good man. He’s always been my hero, but now everything internal is at a standstill. Do you have any ideas?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Before I start typing a bunch of stuff, I just want to note that I can give some of my own opinions as input but not exactly qualified for advice, so want to ask, do you see any sort of professional help? It seems like you need some one to hello guide you through this. This kind of internal divide can be a dangerous thing to go at alone for some…. Sorry so long to reply. We keep having internal divides if our own that interfere with stuff.

        Like

      3. You can rest assured, I have an amazing counselor who is wonderfully helpful. Sometimes I just really want to talk to someone else who has experienced DID. Do you get along with your insiders most of the time? My inside sisters are extremely kind, but our preferences differ greatly. It has been very hard the last few weeks to be in social settings because it puts some of them so on edge. It makes going into these settings almost impossible without huge effort and usually results in overwhelming stress.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I do know how that feels, being overwhelmed when out in public. It’s so extreme for us that we often suffer bouts of agoraphobia and can’t even leave the house. Communicating and reassuring everyone that you are safe is the only things you can really do until the others begin their healing. Patience and support I have found helps me best…. Now about your memories… Your say you love to father dearly
        dearly and can’t agree with the others. In order to help yourself (selves) deal with this you are going to have to really understand how DID works and why…. There is a reason you only love and adore your father. There is a reason he is like a”hero’ to you and a villain to them…. First, let me tell you, children do not make up sexual stories on their own. Technically, your father did not abuse you but he abused them. However, that’s just the DID talking. If they have actual memories, which they likely do, the idea is for you to connect with them and share the experience…. Basically like living through the trauma you never experienced and then be able to tell yourself that trauma is over and you are safe. You see, as small little humans, we are very dependant on the big humans in our life FOR OUR VERY SURVIVAL. With out them feeding and sheltering us, we will die. But how do you deal with the fact that you need those persons, and as a child crave affection, but this person is a threat to you? Very simply, you separate the conscious awareness. You needed to survive like nothing was wrong. At least one of you needed to be able to face the world like nothing is wrong. You felt a need to love your parents and DID oblidged that need.

        In essence, you will always be in disagreement about the abuse. Because, in truth you personally were never abused. But they were. The secret is realizing that they are you and you are them, bringing the tragedy to light and realizing you all survived it. This is why I asked if you had a counselor. I didn’t want to tell you that your inside sisters were telling the truth and children don’t get “confused” about these things. They don’t have any reason to. This is hard to deal with and I didn’t want you not to have support. It seems you made a great discovery toward your healing but as this DID goes, accepting a horrific reality is not easy. That will be your greatest struggle….

        I just recently discovered things that changed everything I knew. I thought I had dealt with being abused by my half brother. And then I recover memories where it seems”someone else” did horrific things too. So it’s always”fun new discoveries” with DID. It’s like I don’t know who to trust now. This is very new discoveries I will eventually blog about soon. But yea, so I hope you understand I do understand your situation. Please do not invalidate them by disagreeing. Do not let you phobia of your inner experiences hold you back from knowing your whole story and whole truth. You deserve that. You deserve to know YOU SURVIVED IT and you ARE WORTHY people, all of you. If you want to talk to me more on Facebook, look up Jess Dissociative. If you want to talk to me on Twitter (the best way to get ahold of me) my username on there is @identitydiss

        Like

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