Please remember, some blogs are written during dissociative episodes and may not reflect a logical or positive representation of the non dissociated selves. Know each blog only represents the emotional state of the identity in the forefront who is writing it. Known this is a temporary thing.
It’s a long path of self discovery and mapping your internal system. So far we know there are 15 different names of identities outside of 3 different “hosts” who go by “Jess” publicly but inside are given nicknames to separate between the Jess’es (that’s 18 identities in all). Each Jess will have different knowledge and memories. Sometimes we all don’t have all the information, and through our writing we are trying to learn. There are potentially a greater number of selves than we currently perceive, as one of these “host Jess” identities may not be just one. This one acts different and remembers and forgets different things but still claims to be Jessica. We haven’t confirmed how many there are, so they are one category of an identity, “Amnesia Jess” or the “APN” Jess.
If any of us upset you, please give us a chance to discuss possibilities of mending any harm before you cut us off. If we have done something beyond repair (as we understand we sometimes do) we will offer apologies and hope for you to recover from any detriment we cause. We are trying to find ways to hold each other accountable.
We are only human. Yet… We never really had a chance to “learn how to be human.” So we are trying to now.
You know what I mean?
*Let me tell you about why we are here writing…*
I am using this to piece together a skeleton of information for what will one day be a biographical story about childhood sexual abuse, the child victim and the adult survivor. I am not sure of what direction to take this yet. I’m just starting off, as I use my life for an example of real life Dissociative Identity Disorder (D.I.D.) to raise awareness. My goal is education and ending stigma, as well as healing myself. Though I know it’s not the path for all “multiples,” I am myself on a journey with the rest of the people in my system toward integration of us all. As close as we can get, who knows it may not fully happen.
I feel I need to type *TRIGGER WARNING* right here to cover my entire blog
I (and other parts of me especially) often have no censor and speak freely about abuse history — embarrassing, disgusting truth and all. I am going to mention details of what abuse was done to me and how I experienced it. I will describe the sexual contact, the violence that almost killed me, the actual words said to me as psychic war fare and emotional abuse. Also, some things will be hard to handle as I’m overloaded with emotions and I vent occasionally just to get it out of my system. On the day I post that, I’m not always as upset as I sound, as it’s usually triggered by flashbacks that I gain control of eventually. Usually a short lived episode and I feel better just after writing it out sometimes too……
Anyway….Read slowly and carefully, at your own risk, if you are prone to certain words about traumas causing triggers. I am warning you now that my intent is to discuss some difficult things and describe some difficult details. I usually try to give more detailed than vague post titles, so you can probably guess how likely it would trigger you. (some titles so long, you’d think it was the actual post itself. Haha)
If you can’t read, you can’t. Self care is always important and we understand. I’m just trying share my story and I know from sharing it many times, it all is hard to take for anyone. Whether they’ve suffered similar or had an easier life. It even seems to tug at the heart strings of any “tough guy” out there. Many times watched bloodshot eyes struggle to hold back tears and be strong. So, now, I’ve explained how reading this blog will feel. I don’t need to write it for every blog. You’ve been warned.
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I am trying to piece my life together to heal trauma from my childhood sexual abuse and domestic violence, among other things gone wrong. I have missing information in my memories as each part knows different things. As I slowly recollect repressed memories and as I connect with all of the people in my dissociated system, I am discovering difficult truths. I am discovering abhorrent and shocking things about how the adults in my life reacted and still react to this day toward the rape that happened to me. I see their lack of understanding of the situation, lack of information, and lack of ability to even deal with it.
I am not here to trash my parents or family, I am only trying to help others know what my family had no way of knowing. I know there are some sad things I will have to share about my family, but please trust that I know that information lacking and their own pains also had something to do with their choices. It was strangely the way the world seemed to react to this, by just trying to bury it. Thinking the child who’s traumatized is young enough to forget. I’m sharing my story now so no one ever makes this mistake again. The body never forgets, the mind compartmentalizes what it cannot take in full blown force.
It wasn’t just my parents, it was many other adults in my life from teachers to the principle to doctors to counselors to spiritual leaders. They just had no way of knowing what had actually happened to me or how bad I really was affected by it. They had no knowledge to go on. There is STILL not enough information to go on to this day. That needs to change. This needs to be taken seriously. D.I.D. is no joke, no game.
If I tell what I went through, then maybe people can know what to look for. People can help children before they become broken adults.
There were signs of my dissociation in my childhood, but people missed it. Confused with attention deficit and “day dreaming” and told I needed to work harder to focus. I called myself different names, different genders. I was often seen with a far away look in my eyes, making motions, waving arms but saying nothing. At times I was confused, I often didn’t have reasonable knowledge I should have had, and I was often labeled just as “spacey” for it…When most of the time, it simply was in a different compartment of my mind I didn’t have access to. If there had been greater knowledge
I lost everything that ever mattered because of my disorders and abuse, including being manipulated out of rights to my own child via legal guardianship that led to adoption. My own husband and mother-in-law were supposedly educated about mental health (mother-in-law a psych nurse even) but they still were ignorant on the subject of D.I.D.
They made me out to be a monster, abused me so I didn’t know what way was up, and even had me, myself, fearing I was a “dangerous monster” who deserved it. Made me afraid of myself so I signed legal guardianship trying to do the right thing as a mother: protect my child even if that meant to protect her from me.
I did my best to get help, I was fighting for my disability. I was homeless, nothing but a car and some clothes to my name. After losing my rights to my daughter forever after just one year of legal guardianship, I fought to survive the return of the worst dissociation I could have, the return of alters I had once fused and nearly forgotten, my number of selves now doubled….and perhaps, even growing more than I knew.
Feeling like I’ve nothing worse to lose, feeling stronger having managed to find help and support to overcome so much, I am beginning to share my painful story to help other people. I know I will receive backlash for bringing this in the spotlight, but I want to be the voice for the children who don’t have a say in their own recovery.
I want to be what I wish I had as a child. Someone who says they matter more than the future of those who rape them of a normal life.
With all this, I am on a path of healing my D.I.D. and c-PTSD, as well as kept very much busy repairing some situations in my life as a result of my trauma (medical, financial, educational, legal, familial, etc). Showing the world who we are and getting acceptance without, will lead to acceptance within.
I am learning to use the word “I” as ownership. I am learning to use the word “we” as acceptance.
I am many selves, and probably always will be on some level. As integration isn’t the erasure of anyone, but the mixing in of everyone and painting a crazy new picture! Ha.
I need to learn to accept myself no matter the level of healing I am. I hope to inspire others to do the same. I hope to create a safer world in the general public for multiples, because our life is scary and hard enough. We have enough people “trying to kill us” we don’t need new people making up agendas to make our lives more difficult.
This story of trauma is not even the worst, keep in mind. I speak also for those who don’t have the strength to.
People often try to console you by saying that “at least the worst is over” or maybe something like “it could have been worse…”
What they don’t know, what I want them to think about after they hear my story, is the truth I’ve learned in my experience:
Know that worse things can happen…..and they do.
This time though, I’m ready to fight back.
(Don’t forget to check out the details and “mini bio’s” about the others in the System of Dissociative Jess here: https://dissociativejess.wordpress.com/blogposts/dissociative-thoughts/namesandinfo/)