The memories don’t make sense…they are ones I’ve never had before. And they change my whole life story. A completely new struggle

I thought I had fully understood what happened to me. I was on a mission to change the world now, because I understood what happened to me enough to share it with others, to expose the truth of the kind of childhood sexual abuse I suffered, that created my DID.

And then, my father dies….and every thing changes….

New memories….or, more like, remembering memories I’ve always know but it’s like they never had meaning and I discarded them as…..as something like……I don’t know?….Almost as if they were illusions, something out of a nightmare, making my real life nightmare seeming more horrific than it already was….And I would just take a deep breath and shake my head and just think, “wow you are a weirdo. your life was hard enough. stop watching so many cheesey horror movies…” ya-da ,ya-da…Because nothing like that could have possibly happened, by any logical sense, and it sounded so far off and crazy……but then…forgotten from childhood into my adulthood, a few times in my early 20’s I saw these flashes of “weird memories” that made no sense and just made me feel awkward…And here now, in 2018, my father dies (i will have to tell you about this in another post…very traumatic event but also very healing, and I’m not talking about Dad’s death, I’m talking about issues I had to deal with on top of it)….Then some how…something in me changes. Happier. And sadder.. I feel different….and then…these memories are coming back and this time, it doesn’t feel like dreams or illusions…..It feels like any other real traumatic memory I had. But it’s now visually a blur, with strong emotions attached….

How can this be? What is this pain? what is this panic? this doesn’t make sense..

 

And then………Who are these people?

I can’t see faces…

Or sometimes even a clear out line of a body at all

 

But i know…

 

I KNOW…

I know they are there..

Why can’t I see them. Why can’t I remember this right? What is this confusion? And why does some of the information change around?? It looks like several movies were chopped up and different scenes glued back together from all movies in random order…

 

What the hell does all this mean?

Does anything I’ve said make any damn of a sense to anyone right now?

Im sort of in a dissociative state….

I am Jesss

I think.

Actually, I don’t think I know who I am?

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When “Fractal Jess” appears….The Amnesia Jess and Apparently Normal Parts….

I can’t remember what brought the Fractals out…I just know, it was too intense for any level of the system to handle. Everyone shut down. Then, the “back up system” boots up. Its constant rapid switching of tiny pieces, copies of “Jesses” over and over again. None every fully experiencing more than a moment….Except for a certain moment. A purpose. A moment when we have a feeling that we need to be somewhere or do something. What that is, that thing we feel we need to achieve, whatever it is…..I don’t know. I don’t think it’s the same all the time either. I know this is the most vague and elusive post I could ever do….I seriously started this off with intent to make more sense. My knowledge is currently limited….

The Fractals appear when all else fails or when a certain pattern is repeated to cause a chain reaction, causing the system to reenact a certain pattern complimentary to the first too…..What is that pattern and why is the rest of the system failing? The pattern is certain events in life or nature that repeat, or certain places we revisit, as well as behavior patterns interacting with people. The system fails because of a physical state of being that we don’t understand…I don’t even understand this enough to explain it to you. I can give you only one short example:

Conflict with relationship, not sure what it was…Overwhelming feeling of losing everything all over again, reinforcing thoughts that we don’t deserve anything. Suicidal ideas begin, with the system failing, no logical reason to exist. The Fractals appear. A burden so great it must be broken into so many pieces, more people to take the burden and less suffering on each one. Then one stays front to consider necessity of a hospital bed. One stays up front to contact friend for suggestions. One comes out to reject help and be suspicious of everything. One comes up front to just sit in car and not leave the location…..That last one there still, our boyfriend finds us. We were parked off in a far end of the parking lot of our complex opposite of our actual apartment. I didn’t know who he was, but I knew he was someone I could trust. I believed him when he told me I was dissociating and it was safe to come with him. He would take us home, I somehow knew. I conceded to leave my location, against the original coarse of action. Because I had the information to trust him.

Once home, constant confusion and rapid switching, so conversation could go no where. Eventually….Jey wakes up. The Fractals are shut down….Dissociative Jess takes over, as we, The Fractal Jesses, now can rest…

Just like now, we can rest. We are typing here because of….something…..I don’t know. We just had to keep ourselves in one spot.

Focus is returning to Jey because of physical stimulation and focus on typing and controlling what the body does. Self destruct shut down.

It was nice to share. Thanks for reading.

Talking about signs of dissociation in childhood and some of the leniency on my rapist and some of the sexual abuse is discussed. Sharing helpful links at end of rambling blog I feel give clues to the signs to look for and information to know about childhood signs of PTSD and DID, traumatic affects on brain in children, and dissociative symptoms in children.

I hope to get the world paying attention and seeing the signs of children who have suffered trauma and abuse more easily. To see children are not “just pretending” or daydreaming, and are not having an attention or focus problem. The earlier you catch this disorder, the easier it is to get all parts in a developed dissociative system to work together, possibly even form one unified external identity. At least they have a greater chance of success, if they at least know themselves and understand all aspects that exist in their multiple selves, already having balance and learning to live multiple.

If I tell what I went through, then maybe people can know what to look for. People can help children before they become broken adults. There were signs of my dissociation in my childhood, but people missed it. It was to be my downfall in adulthood. Especially never having broken the programming for abuse and ending up in terrible situations with terrible people. Confused with attention deficit and “day dreaming” and told I needed to work harder to focus, no one could see that I was really far gone from awareness. People shamed me as a “childish” and told me I needed to grow up. They didn’t understand the underlying cause of my actions. They couldn’t see the confusion and fear in my eyes. They didn’t know what dissociation was.

My parents couldn’t see the severity in my disorder and instead focused on the horrific situation of the other child, and healing whatever what “broken” in him that caused him to rape me. This was a terrible mistake, affecting my healing. I am not here to trash my parents or family, I am only trying to help others know what my family had no way of knowing. I know there are some sad things I will have to share about my family, but please trust that I know that information lacking and their own pains also had something to do with their choices. It was strangely the way the world seemed to react to this, by just trying to bury it. Thinking the child who’s traumatized is young enough to forget. I’m sharing my story now so no one ever makes this mistake again. The body never forgets, the mind compartmentalizes what it cannot take in full blown force.

It wasn’t just my parents, it was many other adults in my life from teachers to the principle to doctors to counselors to spiritual leaders. They all felt it needed to be hidden, and that would be best to “protect me” from public shame. They had no way of knowing what had actually happened to me or how bad I really was affected by it. They had no way of knowing that my problem was hiding and hushing myself, when the needed to teach me it was okay to speak. They just mostly believed keeping it hushed was best for everyone. They had no knowledge to go on. There is STILL not enough information to go on to this day. That needs to change. This needs to be taken seriously. D.I.D. is no joke, no game. Childhood trauma can be everlasting life long if we don’t know how to heal it.

All my life I remember that I always forget. By that I mean, I’ve always “lost time” and suffered dissociative amnesia. Also, I called myself different names, different genders, claimed to be an actual cat and not even human, and it wasn’t a game anymore when it lasted hours–or days–and I’d become enraged or unruly when everyone began to refuse to acknowledge these changes of selves. I was often seen with a far away look in my eyes, making motions, sitting in the middle of the floor, waving arms but saying nothing. At times I was confused, I often didn’t have reasonable knowledge I should have had, and I was often labeled just as “spacey” for it. There is even a joke in my family that “Jessica get’s distracted by oooohhh SHINEY things…” It wasn’t a matter of distraction, it simply was in a different compartment of my mind I didn’t have access to. Many times I was standing around, “doing nothing” (really not doing nothing as I’m having flashbacks or I was triggered into dissociation right before their eyes but they couldn’t see it) If only there had been greater knowledge to the possibility of trauma as the cause and understanding that this isn’t “child’s play” but clinical dissociation.

With the prevalence of child abuse issues, every teacher should be taught to consider this before choosing to be another trauma in the child’s life by bringing them punishment and not help. Be aware of the implications of dissociation before scolding them and embarrassing them. This shame can trigger worsening dissociation. I remember “waking up” from a black out. I’m standing in front of the whole class, mortified and suffering derealization/depersonalization as I could not explain what I did not remember, an incident that just happened to put me in this predicament.

I had a unique situation nobody want’s to have to deal with. I was a victim of child on child sexual abuse. For some reason, a nine year old boy began abusing and manipulating and sexually assaulting a toddler sibling. It’s easy to hate a grown person, as a sicko, and often demanding harsh punishment like sterilization and castration. Yet, when it’s a child doing it to another child, the situation changes. It’s not anger, it’s just complete discomfort or even more pity and help for the perpetrator than the victim. And everybody would rather forget and stop talking about it as soon as possible. Everybody wants to be able to look at a child and see an innocent child, not a sexual deviant, pedophile, pervert.

No one could understand that his presence alone was cause for my dissociation and that I needed to feel permanently safe away from him. That he needed sent away, for the rest of my childhood…… and forever, really. True, he needed help. He could have had help simultaneously while serving an adequate punishment for his crimes. There are certain things that you have to take into consideration, for knowing if someone is reform-able and if someone is safe to be around children…

Some crimes there is no coming back from, no matter your age. Crimes that bring forth pleasures that are addicting chemical responses in the brain. Sexual crimes makes you a permanent danger, the rest of your life, because being caught or even shamed cannot change what someone finds sexually gratifying. A sexual assault victim should never be encouraged or expected to forgive and love their rapist, even if said rapist was a child. You cannot preach a rhetoric of  “they are a boy who didn’t know better” because they do, and even after being punished, they won’t stop enjoying what they enjoy. And if the punishment was light, they are given more satisfaction. No one seemed to even consider, because we both were children, how a victim should never have to tolerate being in the same room with their rapist again. It only takes that one moment of opportunity for someone to try to attack you, and yet people seem to believe that a former perpetrator will not act on any opportunity?

I want to be what I wish I had as a child. Someone who says they matter more than the future of those who rape them of a normal life. I’m sorry, don’t come at me with “but they were victimized too” or any excuse for their actions. I have no time for a nature versus nurture debate. If you choose to have compassion, you have to see where compassion is most needed. To choose no side is automatically NOT choosing the victims side and therefore actually choosing the perp’s side. There is only one truth when you are a sexual abuse and assault victim. There is no neutral option in this situation.

I don’t know what I can do to make it a safer place for kids, or at least easier to ask for help. However,  I’m hoping at least if I speak from my feelings and experiences as a child feeling let down by all the adults in my life, maybe someone will figure out what needs to be changed. I’m searching to find what should have been and could be done in these situations to better help children. I hope through writing this blog someone figures it out.

I am sharing some links that I personally feel are helpful or thought provoking information related to dissociative symptoms in childhood or any symptom that would point to signs of trauma. These sites have to do with siting signs of trauma in children, PTSD in children, signs of dissociation in children. Hopefully people will hear me and see this is important to study more. I hope to see science better informed by listening to personal experiences of survivors. I want to stop the misdiagnosing children. I believe it’s always best to expect the worst can be true and seek to disprove that, not the other way around by picking the easiest and most comfortable option to you. Just so you can “be done with it.”

If you have some great links to suggest, comment below! I had some trouble finding good ones related to childhood symptoms. Yet I did find a few ones where adults described their childhoods, which I feel can be helpful. We are even offering some articles that may have views a little “off” from ours, but I try to keep an open mind and see if there is something interesting worth sharing related. I’ll still be adding to this…probably continually edit this post again and again adding all the ones I forgot or just discovered that I feel would be great additions to the reading list.

I really want people to have a lot of knowledge about dissociation and PTSD and DID in children. Children need support and so few people can have the information much less be able to see the signs. If a child exhibiting a lot of “spacey” or “daydreaming” behavior, seems really forgetful and suddenly switching in “moods” I’d suggest looking for PTSD signs and signs of sexual abuse. So that’s why I’ve included a few sites about those.

These links are random, in no particular order, other than maybe the order I discovered them in. Ha….I hope you find some of them useful or beneficial in understanding how important it is to get more information about abused children suffering dissociation in childhood or even showing signs of multiplicity.

LINKS:

  1. The Mighty: 24 Signs You Experienced Dissociation as A Child : https://themighty.com/2017/10/24-signs-you-experienced-dissociation-as-a-child/
  2. The ISSTD is probably the best place to start for information about dissociation in youth. Search through here: http://www.isst-d.org/default.asp?contentID=100
  3. Very long PDF of a lot of DID information and it is a Child Dissociative Checklist that is interesting to look at: https://secure.ce-credit.com/articles/102019/Session_2_Provided-Articles-1of2.pdf
  4. Not sure we agree with everything in this article but it has a lot of interesting information to consider – “4 Truths About Children Showing Signs of Dissociative Identity Disorder”: https://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2015/04/4-truths-about-children-showing-signs-of-did/
  5. “DISSOCIATION, PROTECTIVE AS A CHILD, DANGEROUS AS AN ADULT” :https://www.survivingmypast.net/dissociation-protective-as-a-child-dangerous-as-an-adult/
  6. A lot of information here – “Childhood Responses to Threat/Coping Strategies”: https://www.blueknot.org.au/Workers-Practitioners/For-Health-Professionals/Resources-for-Health-Professionals/Child-Coping-Strategies
  7. Again, not sure if we agree with all in here but it has a lot of important information to consider – “DID in Children”: http://did-research.org/controversy/children.html
  8. PTSD in Children and Teens: https://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/family/ptsd-children-adolescents.asp
  9. PTSD Symptoms in Children Age Six and Younger: https://adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/children/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/symptoms

  10. Discusses how PTSD looks different in children than adults – “PTSD in Children: Know the Signs, Symptoms, and How to Get Help”:  http://www.georgetownbehavioral.com/node/1876
  11. When Children Are Battle Scarred: PTSD In Children. Signs & Symptoms: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/ptsd/when-children-are-battle-scarred-ptsd-in-children-signs-and-symptoms/

  12. Interesting  site that addresses PTSD in children and what can be done about it: http://keltymentalhealth.ca/mental-health/disorders/post-traumatic-stress-disorder
  13. At the end a great suggestion on prevention of PTSD – “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in Children”:
    http://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=post-traumatic-stress-disorder-in-children-90-P02579
  14. About sexual abuse – “Warning Signs for Young Children”:
    https://www.rainn.org/articles/warning-signs-young-children
  15. Very informative – “Child Sexual Abuse Warning signs. What to look for in adults and children”:
    https://www.parentsprotect.co.uk/warning_signs.htm
  16. Don’t be Clueless. Learn the Possible Signs of Sexual Abuse: https://www.anxioustoddlers.com/signs-of-sexual-abuse/#.WznvO9JKiUk

  17. Tip Sheet: Warning Signs of Possible Sexual Abuse In A Child’s Behaviors: https://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/tip-sheet-7

  18. “Recognize trauma, change a child’s future”: http://www.recognizetrauma.org/symptoms.php
  19. Early Childhood Trauma: https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/early-childhood-trauma
  20.  Great article about Maladaptive Daydreaming, a serious issue misunderstood, although not specifically about children: https://makeitultrapsychology.wordpress.com/2017/07/12/4-signs-of-maladaptive-daydreaming/
  21. Another good article about maladaptive daydreaming, to help you understand it in case a child suffers it – “What It’s Like When Your Daydreams Are Just As Real As Life”:
    https://www.thecut.com/2016/10/what-its-like-to-be-a-maladaptive-daydreamer.html
  22. When Daydreaming Replaces Real Life: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/04/when-daydreaming-replaces-real-life/391319/
  23. What’s to know about maladaptive daydreaming?: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319400.php
  24. About Maladaptive Daydreaming- “Your child might have this condition you never heard of”: http://blog.theautismsite.com/maladaptive-daydreaming/
  25. Info about maladaptive daydreaming: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/maladaptive-daydreaming#outlook
  26. Does my child have maladaptive daydreaming?: https://thedreamingplace.com/2016/07/12/maladaptive-daydreaming-child-have/
  27. Great website I found specifically for support of those with Maladaptive Daydreaming: http://wildminds.ning.com/profiles/blogs/official-maladaptive
  28. Possible signs of child abuse: https://www.webmd.com/children/child-abuse-signs#1
  29. Understanding Dissociative Identity Disorder in Children: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/201312/understanding-dissociative-identity-disorder-in-children
  30. “I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and so do my kids”: https://information.pods-online.org.uk/my-unique-vantage-point-parenting-dissociative-identity-disorder-with-dissociative-identity-disorder/

We sometimes make submissions to other sites. Here we are published on Stigma Fighters website. Copied the article in my blog with a link back to StigmaFighters.com….What do you think?

So we have made some good friends with mental health advocates online, and they are some of the people that inspired us to speak out and do what we do, as our part to change the world’s view on mental health. We will definitely have to do a separate specific blog about all these great people we met, as a “Twitter fledgling,” that we watched and learned the “ropes” from, haha!

For now we are talking specifically about this article we submitted, per request of one of these awesome activist role models and friends! Her name is Sarah Fader, and she is the head of this great website, Stigma Fighters! I would highly recommend browsing through all these original and very personal posts of real people living with different types of mental illnesses, just trying to use their voice to break the stigma. I would love it if you, reading this now, would be willing to share your own voice on there too! (if you do, leave me a comment to let us know!)

Here is the link to the article on the actual stigma fighter page:

Here is the text quoted from the article, that I wrote and submitted:

Pondering my own existence.
Hear them pondering it too….
Everyone has different views of who and what we are, or should be.

An incomplete part of the whole, or one whole part complete itself?

Who do they want to stay, who needs to go?

Am I real?

There’s a constant back and forth with what’s commonly known as “split personality,” or being “multiple/plural,” or Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder. Those who experience this reality want validation and to be seen as capable, functional individuals. If only with a little help, if only the right compassion for their situation existed.

Nearly everyone around us feels need to “figure out what our motives are” and why/how we cannot feel connected in the same way as everyone else. A constant demand to prove we even exist, even though right there in front of them, talking to them, communicating, expressing our existence some how. Some believe to accept the reality of all the things they see is to enable and encourage illness.

The illness of dissociation exists, whether or not you believe and “comply” with it’s existence. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. Adding additional stress into the life of one who suffers a dissociative disorder also increases symptoms. When refusing to accept the many selves of the human being, when they feel like you want to erase all but the one that YOU like the best, you actually are encouraging the continuance of dissociation because of this conflict you CREATED. Makes the healing process quite daunting. DID isn’t about delusions. Most of us know the difference between an internal and external existence, knowing what the physical body is. It’s just most of us don’t know why we are attached to a physical body that doesn’t match what we feel.

If understood each part as equally valid and important, then you can see how “normal” we can really be. Our perception is just different. Does this have to be a disorder? Something becomes disorder when severely affects you and your ability to function, living a productive and personally fulfilling life. Some of us do have walls of dissociation, amnesia, derealization/depersonalization….These things create confusion, and disorder.

But say, you heal this disorder. You learn to TAKE CONTROL of it. No more separate awareness and memories, but somehow still processing things in separate ways. Whether you say they are “part of a whole person” or a “whole person part of a body,” you see, one thing remains the same: IT IS THE REAL PERSON WHOEVER THEY MAY BE BECAUSE THEY ARE REALLY THERE IN THAT BODY. They have real events, real feelings, all actually experienced by body and brain. If this mind has to function differently and cannot “unthink” how it’s thought BASICALLY IT’S ENTIRE EXISTENCE, is this a “disorder?” Maybe it’s just a “syndrome?” Can we not think outside the disordered box?

The thing is, DID seems to happen on a spectrum of experiences, no two cases the same. If someone is not comfortable with or simply cannot EVEN COMPREHEND themselves as one complete entity, why give them distress? Why become abusive to them? This is what I cannot understand. WHY does it make other people angry at the thought of multiples existing? How in the world do we hurt you just by existing? I am not disregarding abusive behavior that can be seen in cases of DID, but that is a brain in need of healing. To be fair, those issues exist not because of being multiple but because of trauma, and many without DID suffer the same conditions and act similar ways. What I am talking about is there are multiples who are not displaying chaotic, abusive, or aggressive behaviors. There are some who healed those parts of themselves that caused this negative behavior and there are some who actually never had that negative behavior in the first place. They are not different than any other person, trying to live their lives. The only difference is in perception of personal experiences. So how does this harm you that you feel need to discredit us?

Our minds work differently. Please just respect that. When you stop putting us in a category of illness, stop debating our validity, stop saying our very existence as people is disorder, you may find it can help someone heal faster. If accept them, they can accept themselves. Soon all can feel comfortable in this body and may naturally find themselves not just “co-conscious” but “co-experiencing” even. Soon they may notice a “blending together.” The more they focus on feeling safe in the body and outside in the world, the more externally talking with others outside…Well…do not be surprised to find the more they will want to be outside ALL THE TIME. Everyone’s desire to be present at all times encourages a situation more likely to lead to integration. If every time they come out you give them conflict that won’t happen.

If drop controversy, it would help more. There will always be people who fake things. This doesn’t disprove anything. I can count the number of examples of famous “alleged DID fakers” on one hand, and that’s pretty small numbers compared to thousands of valid people, including myself.

We want to come out of hiding. We want to be ourselves and we don’t want others to decide who we are. A common issue is when the “host identity” is seen as “the real person,” believing everyone “turns into them” if integrated. First of all, that goes against the meaning “integration” which is mixture, not erasure of anything.

Saying you don’t want to talk to, or denying any but the one YOU like is wrong. Instead, try helping by actively supporting us gaining memories and understanding more about our selves. DID isn’t about escaping reality, and there are not any such “false memories” or “role playing” involved. The brain just processes the information to the best of its ability, and these brains’ abilities are different. It’s that simple.

(taken from Stigma Fighters. To view original post click here: http://stigmafighters.com/dissociative-jess/)

 

Can I ramble too? I want to talk about our point of view of DID is a disorder but maybe we should hear these people out who feel their multiplicity is not. We used to think it was denial and repression of memories…Now we meet some and heard their views..Now what do we think?

I’m just amazed at all the ways we have advanced with understanding Dissociation. The ISSTD has done wonders.

I see more people talking about their lives with this condition than ever.

Many interesting ways it has changed.

Then I discovered plural person activism. People proud to be multipeople and don’t consider their existence “a mistake” but just like a kind of neurodiverse.

Then, after that, I discovered there is a retoric in community of DID… That we are not well and never can consider this NOT a disability of some sort. We are needing therapy to learn all are aspects of one person. Therapist and patient will say, we cannot be accepted as maybe just a cluster of many complete individual persons each unto ourselves.

How can we live full happy lives believing our very existence is a disorder?

Heavens forbid you show any positivity or they, “the ill ones,” lash out on you.

“How dare you be positive and ignore the trauma of why we are all here!” they exclaimed… As if it’s a purposeful attack to invalidate them.

Admittedly, we have been one of these people… We see the error in being that way now. Wish we could go apologize to some in our past for lashing out.

We felt trauma was such a big part of DID, but, the thing of it is, we discovered later some feel they are past that trauma….So they don’t need to focus on it. But they all are STILL there. Still multiple minds, trying to learn to live. Learn to rethink how they think.

And actually, a few don’t feel they experienced any trauma at all that had to do with their existence. They simply believe you can have a brain that works different and there is no way to prove that you can’t be this way. That people decide who they are for themselves. And that you cannot attach what they see as a stigma on them that they don’t agree with.

It’s got us thinking… Looking deeper. Could that be possible? Born able to be multiple minds?

A couple inside still feel even if that were so, that we should still need to be taught how to live as one and possibly integration into one. Some of me feels that it’s making people with DID look ridiculous when they talk of avoiding integration therapy. They feel those being positive and wanting to stay this way makes it harder for people who legitimately suffer this way to get any help, or be taken seriously.

We understand that, we do…

There seems to be a way around it.

We may want to consider the difference between someone suffering affects of trauma and someone not. They say, I hear through the grapevine, that you must be a multiple to have DID. They say, DID isn’t the cause of being multiple personalities. They say, you are already a multiple when the trauma occurs and that causes dissociation, which causes the different people in your system to not be able to communicate, pretty much. It causes amnesia and blocks in awareness and things of that sort that cause the chaos. And with some, they have symptoms of complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder to deal with. “THEY” are the ones that consider themselves born as multiple, and trauma isn’t necessary.

I was thinking about this, and it sort of made sense…

Why? Because it seems not everyone comes out of trauma with DID. It seems when even experiments were implemented to “force alters into existence,” it didn’t always work everytime. It also seems likely that this can be an inherited trait, new studies show if you search for it…but still some only subscribe to the original idea of created by trauma disrupting a developmental stage that would prevent one from integrating experiences into on common consciousness. There really is not definite scientific study that has proven either without doubt.

Not saying that any part of me even completely agrees. Just got us wondering, considering the “what if’s?” We all can be grown ups and consider “what if” am I right?

These all just some concepts we’ve come across that has us thinking differently than we started. We talked to some people…people/systems/multiples we originally were upset by their views. We learned of their very real suffering and desire for acceptance. They are people with feelings, in the same battle for just acknowledgment of existence and to be treated with respect, like any of us. They are not our enemies.

We learned, we just can’t accuse anyone of not being the “ideal model” of what we expected “Dissociative Identity Disorder” or “Multiplicity” or “Plural Personhood” to be…. Because it’s as different as each one of our own different perceptions and experiences may be. We here still feel that nobody is a single identity, it’s just some see themselves as more separate than others based on genetics and environment affecting the brain, affecting development. Not saying I’m always right, and like I said, who really can say they know for a fact they have all the answers and in no way ever can be wrong?

Everyone should just be kind. If someone needs help or asks for it, give them help. If someone “feels ordered” rather than “disordered” as they are and proud to be who they are or even proud that being this helped them survive thus far, give them praise and support.

No need to get snippy. Sometimes you just don’t agree…

So you know what I do when I don’t really like someone or their company? What to do when we don’t agree with their views or said veiws make us uncomfortable? Do we utilize precious energy, energy needed for our health, to waste just to lash out at them? I don’t think so.

What do I do? Simple. I avoid them. I go hang out with my friends. I have discussions with like minded individuals and avoid the drama.

Thanks for reading! Hoping this wasn’t too upsetting for you to read through if you are on either side of the fence. Wishing you peace!

❤ Suzy

Short post. Random thoughts: Depersonalization, Derealisation versus Dissociation versus Amnesia vs Maladaptive Daydreaming… How I feel we experience more of one than the others. How you can’t assume all systems have “visual experiences” of alters/parts/selves.

It’s almost too unbelievable how vivid the internal Universe can be for multiples and dissociative identity disorder. However not everyone experiences this. Some even try but don’t seem to be able to. The system I’m part of, one of us is solely responsible for building it and the rest of us “live there.” This existence of seeing your selves in almost like a parallel dimension is not a trait found in everyone.

I can’t speak for everyone like me but I have a theory why I feel I’m able to have such a vivid internal experience with all the others.

I feel I’m different because, I have more maladaptive daydreaming with my dissociation. Where as, other people who suffer D.I.D. have dissociative amnesia more instead. For me creativity was the best way to handle my trauma. For some other people to just completely block it out or compartmentalize it was the only way to handle the trauma.

That’s why I have such an easily made internal universe. That’s why some other people don’t even have visual images of their others much less an internal universe. Don’t expect everyone to have full visuals and understanding of all of “selves.”

You just have to get to know each system/multiple as the way they are without assuming or comparing them to others. This is just the way it is for us, and not every single other like us. So we all experience DID and multiplicity differently based on mostly the level of dissociative ability we possess.

This is just my theory. Just sitting here thinking…Yes, that’s what they say I do too much – “thinking.” Can’t help who I am.

-June

An alter just venting about suffering body flashbacks late into the night, early morning before sunrise (sometimes after sunrise) Can you relate? Can you understand? Written on notepad, unsigned by alter. Probably one of the Jesses.

Ah yes the fun of flashbacks…Which many wouldn’t believe but yes…..

…Physical real sensations!

Not imagined, REPLAYED from real experiences.

Stupid. Body. Flashbacks.

So much fun that your brain can remember the exact measure of pain or uncomfortable sensation from a trauma and send it out on blast all across your nervous system… Powerful exactly as it was the day of…

Oh yeah, and all that “stay present” bullshit they teach you is out the window if you keel over in pain that you presently feel…. Trying to move the body around, work out, distract the nervous system to override the body flashbacks I don’t even know what caused them…

It’s like this so many nights, up late until 2 or 3 or 4 am….. This is too late in the night (early in the morning?) to battle my demons.

Go to bed, Devils, you need plenty of rest for this battle with us anyway….

Ha. Watch us stay positive and laugh in the face of pain! XP XD

The healing part of Thanksgiving 2017, Part 2

I don’t recall all of what I wrote in the first part, but you can go to the post to gather that information. I am probably going to repeat a few things here. Because there are the same things happening, I’m just explaining another thing simultaneously happening.

I was worried about being around family that thanksgiving day. I had gotten pretty distant to my family over the past two or three years…..Perhaps it started a long time before….But anyway, I was consciously avoiding them. Partly because it was too hard on me and also because I felt vulnerable to attack. I couldn’t quite explain why I felt my family was a threat, but it was mostly probably because I never had a safe place.

I had started going to therapy, for the first time in my life, for my actual issue: Dissociative Identity Disorder. I made this decision after my dissociation of selves made me appear chaotic when I wasn’t, and the change in personality frightened people even if there was no aggression or violence about it. It was just “creepy” and “eery” and you know how people let their fears run away with them…

Well, it seems to have caused my ex mother in law to feel she had some sort of right to catch me in a moment of duress to manipulate me for her purpose of taking my child out of my hands. The duress, caused mostly by her son, allowed my dissociation to overtake me and allowed her to take advantage of my desperate situation to get legal guardianship and eventually adopt my child.

That almost killed me. Somehow, my own alters saved my life, as the feelings of suicide are compartmentalized between everyone’s experiences and some people inside my system are pretty defiant in the face of adversity. So they were able to over power the suicidal others.

So anyway, I decided I needed to stop being scared of getting “locked away forever” and come out and say I’m a multiple, and I need help connecting with others who have blocks because of trauma. I had to find a therapist willing to take me seriously, who I trusted. Who wasn’t going to see me as needing psychiatric drugs and needing a “vacation” in the “happy ward” as I call it…

We didn’t trust anyone, I could feel it. But then I started struggling at jobs worse than ever, started missing important health care appointments, would lose time and realize I hadn’t been eating (body was very weak and lost weight)…I knew this was getting out of control. I was dying, but no one could really see that either, because the “happy” face of the system, just one of the Jessica’s, was able to appear normal, like their world wasn’t breaking apart.

When I found her, the one I had been looking for, just a few short months pointed me in the right direction to my healing. I hit a stale mate in my therapy and had to take a break from it and work on this on my own.

So then holidays came and I still was avoiding family. I was figuring out what happened to me and I wasn’t ready to face it. My rapist was still involved with family, because most of them never knew the truth as it was covered up, so I feared seeing him would trigger me when I was dealing with recovering memories. Though he didn’t often show, he would still have been invited and be potentially there. I wasn’t ready to “out” him to the family who didn’t know and expose the truth. When I recovered memories, it was too much to fake. I feared losing control and what alter may be able to push their way out. I didn’t think I was going to be able to handle holidays for a long time. I didn’t want to attend ANY family gathering at all.

But then, my aunt died, and I had no choice. I was lucky enough to not be able to attend the wake, where he was, but I went to the funeral the next day, which he could not. Then, thanksgiving came and it worked out that everyone seemed to be planning their own thing. But a new thing was my uncle had moved back to ohio and for the first time since being back was going to to have Thanksgiving at their house. It was sort of a memorial to the aunt who passed, as years ago, when we all were young, we ALWAYS did Thanksgiving at her house. So I felt this was something important I had to go to.

I took the risk. I had lost my daughter, fought through the alters trying to sabotage my employment and my relationship, now I think it was time to see the family at a gathering. The things I learned in therapy and were learning in the workbook I had acquired from therapy, had taught m a lot of ways to deal with the things that may trigger losing it to dissociation…It was time to try them out for this big thing.

The whole thing started off wonderful from the beginning. Everything I was afraid of wasn’t even an issue, because the people who’d trigger me most (i.e. my siblings most likely) were not even going to be there. It was a small gathering, and none of my siblings were there when I arrived. I was basically the only “kid” at thanksgiving this year and boy, how I felt like a kid sitting at the adult table! Ha. Also, this family, which was my father’s side of the family, finally got to meet my boyfriend I had been dating a few years. As I said, I had been avoiding family for years and that basically meant they didn’t get to meet him either. So finally they did, and they loved him. He fit right in. It was great.

The night went great. It was like I got to have my first thanksgiving just for me, in an imaginary world where abusive people don’t exist, and I could feel close to the people that were just normal family members to me, who wanted to see their niece because they still believe in family. It was a glimpse of how Thanksgiving should have felt THE WHOLE TIME all these years. It made me cry when I left.

Another thing…the alters, the switching…It DID IN FACT HAPPEN while I was there. However, I remained co-conscious with whatever switch, it just was the depersonalization symptoms of like viewing myself outside of myself and not having control of my body. The switches though, were not detected, even when a quite noticable personality change to a little child self occured….And I figured out why…

I’ve been this way, basically, MY WHOLE LIFE. They are used to me. My whole family on my dad’s side are quirky people with corny and witty humor, the kind of people who love in depth and complex pranks on people. Ha ha. There was always some contest going around between who’s pranking who the best (or worst? LOL).

Anyway, with each switch, they accepted me. Not only did they accept me, they seemed to “adjust” to me in whatever personality mode I was in. And when I seemingly “forgot” something because the person up front wasn’t exactly paying attention before up front, well that was something very common in my youth too. I’ve always been this way, but it was mistaken for things like attention problems and an over active imagination. They didn’t understand, this is the way I understand myself, the way my brain actually processes information, the way I see myself naturally. I’m not crazy, I’m a parallel universe of me’s and each one has real experiences that made them the very real person they are. This is information they did not know, but they still treated me with acceptance for being who I was. No matter how “weird” or “eccentric” I got….

Let me tell you a side story here:

I worked at a Kmart when i was about 18 to 20 years old. I dyed my hair a couple different colors. One day, a customer comes into my work wearing a jacket from the business my uncle works at. I asked him if he knew him and surprisingly he did. The next day he was chatting up my uncle about running into me there and in the middle of talking he was like “–OH! and did you know your niece has blue hair?”

My Uncles response was:”Oh, it’s blue now? Last I saw her it was purple…” and it was very casual and not shocked at all, and the guy’s mouth was just gaping like how can he not be shocked by bright blue hair and my gothic look? Haha

Okay, so back to Thanksgiving…well, it seems this post didn’t really talk much about the actual Thanksgiving, which is probably good, since I believed I did so in the “part one” about it. But yeah so, the whole point was, after this experience at thanksgiving I felt more accepting of my selves inside me. Because my family already knew without knowing, and they adjust to each switch and are kind and loving regardless. So it proved to me, being multiple is not my disorder, it was all the other damage done that prevented me from living a balanced and fulfilling life as a multiple. I feel the first step toward integrating into one consciousness is accepting all the consciounesses have a right to exist and not only that, they DO have a place somewhere. You just have to find balance, let it all flow to not look so chaotic. You have to be able to find your oneness in your multiplicity, to work as a team, or be a family, or a system, however you see yourselves.

And family can help you heal and accept you by just accepting you and letting you be you….All of you’s.

I felt so good after this day. I was shocked, i never realized that they had always known without knowing. They could see all the multiple identities and personality switching that was very noticeable, and accept it as my uniqueness. Why can’t people do this who DO know I am multiple? It does help though when everyone is accountable and holding memories for all experiences, but if the multiple you know hasn’t gotten to this or isn’t going toward it, then you still have to accept them. I started paying attention to ways in other aspects of my life, that switching goes unnoticed….Having reached a more-often-than-not state of co-consciousness, I was able to see, we were “co-fronting” and taking turns speaking and nobody really blinked an eye. It was just a being in front of them, moving as a unified force of many. We didn’t spend too much time worrying about whether or not these people knew it was “us” or “them” and more focused on the fact that it didn’t matter which one of us it was, they could adjust to us. They could flow with us. These are our true family. We found we have true friends who flux and flow well with us too.

Thanksgiving was the experience that made me note that I could be multiple and still be “one” on the outside. Just knowing that we exist, and accepting we think and move differently, helps us feel less “weird” about existing and trying to communicate what’s going on inside. And then finally, for the first time in your life you can just focus on how to train your brain to let the body “put your best face forward” and be it done with control and approval of all of you, no matter who’s “face” is forward.

I haven’t written a letter in a really long time. My healing has been hard on me and living everyday life becomes increasingly difficult. But, I think even with as much as I suffer, I’m pretty damn strong to keep going. And today, I wrote a letter to Lily:

I haven’t written a letter in a really long time. My healing has been hard on me and living everyday life becomes increasingly difficult. But, I think even with as much as I suffer, I’m pretty damn strong to keep going. And today, I wrote a letter to Lily:
This is from my Tumblr site, which I rarely use. It’s the place that I started writing letters to my daughter. I don’t know if you know the story, but my abusive ex husband and his abusive mom, either purposely worked together or just naturally wanted the same goal to cut me out of her life, to be free of my “burden” of existence. They systematically broke me down over a period of time with narcissistic techniques and gas-lighting. They used my dissociative disorder against me before I understood myself, and understood I WAS NOT a threat. I was just triggered by the abuse happening and it brought back my many selves to the front. They knew about my disorder but inflated the truth to scare me into signing legal guardianship because I could not make sense of what they were telling me.  They knew I was struggling financially and they told me I didn’t even have to give the Grandma money who was going to be the legal guardian (i. e. my mother-in-law at the time)….All knowing, all for the end plot, that the law doesnt care if the person tells you you don’t have to give them money, they can manipulate you like that and STILL LEGALLY SUE you for not giving them money. This is sanctioned by law emotional abuse. I wish I knew how to connect with someone to pass a law to prevent people from doing this. Me being trust worthy and taken advantage of while under duress, by the very people who call themselves my family, should not be seen as a “crime” i get punished for. And subsequently, my daughter gets punished for. Anyway, I’m still surviving and working to be a face of activism in the mental health community. Turning the dust into diamonds. Trying so hard to be something my daughter can be proud of, and prove them all wrong about me.
It didn’t have to be this way. They didn’t have to be so cruel. Whatever they thought of me, I was never a threat. And never going to “kidnap” her and take her far away. They actually made claims like that. Take her where? Get her there HOW, when I had no money, never had a drivers license, and couldn’t drive even if I tried to illegally? They isolated me from my family through their abuse. I had no help. It’s insane the things they came up with. Anyway. This letter is a statement and a promise. I AM A PHEONIX. And so is my daughter.
If you cannot go to the site to read the letter by going here:
http://livingforlily.tumblr.com/post/175164215178/17th-letter-to-my-daughter-adopted-after

….then scroll below where I just copy/paste what it says there…

The Letter to Lily:

My Dearest Lily,

There are so many things I want to tell you. You are nearly a grown woman now, just a few more short years away. I’ve seen pictures and know how tall and lovely you are. I miss your face and your voice oh so very much.

There are so many things I want to tell you…It is not the time yet. I’m sorry that I was not well and did not understand the situation enough about my mental health. I’m sorry this has taken me away from these very important parts of your life I have missed. I have been spending all this time healing myself, not giving up, living on for you. I am going to show you the mother I truly am, not the broken pieces they tried to make me. I will show you how to mend any broken pieces too, if you should have any.

I cannot control the situation but you should know, I am working toward having a way to bring you back into my life. And when I do, I will never let them take you from me again. You have been through so much and I was not there, but I left you with some tools to protect yourself. I hope you have found strength in the things I taught you. I hope you know and remember, I will do whatever it takes to get to you, no matter how far I have to go.

I live for you, my Lily, my light, my pure sweet innocent flower. You have bloomed so well. I want to be the strong mother you deserve. I want to show you how to survive in spite of the things they do to gaslight you, tear down your esteem, and dehumanize you. I want to show you that you can take control of your life and get away from toxic people.

It should not have been this way. You should be here with me right now. Unfortunately, Fate did not take us that way and we must play the hand we are dealt. I was no good to you a broken woman, accepting the abuse given to me in front of you. I had to save us. I had find a way. I tried to protect you, so you had as little trauma as possible. Unfortunately, some of those decisions may have added on to your bad experiences. I am here to help you through that, and I am willing to listen to whatever feelings you have about your situation. I will own my mistakes. I do not try to excuse them. Yet I will let my achievements outshine that, I hope.

I thought I understood what the problem was and I went forward with this vein of thinking but, admittedly, I was ignorant of what I was up against. Hindsight of growing up, learning what you did not know. I know you, my dear daughter, will have your own struggles and failures and revelations of you own. I am going to show you, by example, that these “mistakes” don’t define us, they PUSH us forward toward the correct answer. Knowledge is power, but knowledge comes from learning. Learning comes from experience. Experience requires risks. Sometimes, the “bad things” DO indeed happen. The thing about being human is the resilience we have to survive things.

I hope you find that power within you that I know is there. I believe you have found it already.
We will be reunited, and you will have all the truth.

I’m still fighting for you, my beautiful daughter. They thought they snuffed the flame of my star, but your mother still was able to smolder the ashes and be a “reborn pheonix.”

I will show you the warrior and Pheonix inside you.

But something tells me, I won’t have to.

You’ll know it already.

Love Eternally,

Mom

She isn’t much into the internet, social media, blogs, etc. She doesn’t like “chit-chat” & doesn’t write often, but when she does….You actually get to catch a glimpse of the elusive mind of Morrighan

We are exhausted, sleep deprived. Waiting for the cats to return from outside so we can go to sleep finally. While waiting, we decide to do something on the computer to keep us busy. We, with our fingers sleepily fumbling, hit something wrong and accidentally messed up the password. We got the message, password incorrect. For some reason, it kind of triggered a memory tonight, and reminded us of when our ex changed the password so we couldn’t use it…and it stung quite painful, deep in our chest. It was so sharp a pain it actually made ME gasp, and I’VE a pretty high tolerance for pain. I suppose the ex husband hurt the whole lot of selves pretty badly, as I felt the full weight of everyone’s suffering…Including my own…

But then I say to the others who are far away lost in “trauma space” who have lost touch with the “now”…To them suffering I say, “Stop that! THIS is not THAT.” I take control of the body. I snap my fingers (with my right hand, of course, as the only right-handed one in a group with a bunch of  you “southpaws”) and snap their attention back to the present. I breathe meticulously, slowly, and the pain now subsides. Calm now all throughout, we try again. We get the password right. I knew it was a simple explanation. They are lucky I am here to keep my cool, think clearly through a cloudy head, and make them all settle down.

Still is annoying to me to have to deal with this interference so much, though. It irks me when nobody listens to me and I am helpless to affect anything. I dream for the day that I can just live my life in complete control. No interference.

To be me, Morrighan.