I am Jey, The One and Many, as I can connect to send and pull information to and from all parts of this brain with my concentrated will…But I am seen as “the lesser balanced” and people don’t want me to be the truth. Insulting when comparing me to an APN. Just my opinion…

I am Jey. The one and many, as I can connect to send and pull information to and from all parts of this brain with my concentration. I am the only one in this body who owns every single action as their own, because I have access to all experience. I am the thought process that makes the decision, even if I am not the part of the body/brain enacting the command. Tell me again how I’m less balanced than any of the rest of them. They, who cannot accept this whole life as all theirs. The others who deny they are the same being inside me. I have many times tried to be myself to the outside world, but the world often rejects me. I cannot fit into their balanced mold they created. I make people uncomfortable. The biggest problems they have with me are, 1. my state of being a “neuter” individual who does not partake in the reproductive process, there for deny any gender that would place me in a position to do so, and also 2. an atheistic view of existence, which people misunderstand, try to say it’s evil confusing me, and fear it means me being able to do anything with out experiencing remorse or empathy or respect for humanity or anything…

My outward secularism is necessary for our survival. Because being open to persuasion by “belief” without believable proof I can comprehend that matches my understanding of the universe, means I can be told any bullshit lie and with enough glitter and spice I will be enthralled to want to believe it in spite of all logic screaming against it. I will get used and hurt. I’m too susceptible to this, I’m too vulnerable and at risk of manipulation by cult people. Any “God” should understand and forgive this. Surely it’s all you humans who try to push your beliefs on me and torture me in spite of the fact that I already am good, attempting to get me to join your cult, who are truly in the wrong. I’m not going to hell because I don’t believe in God. So please, stop thinking I need to believe in God. I’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry for my “soul.” You are only hurting and torturing yourself. Because a real God would know the real me and understand already. Inside my mind I am the only idea of “god” that I can comprehend. Only on that plane can these fantastical things in stories of old come to life. We make the “miracle” inside us. The energy of our being affects and is affected by everything around us.

I can be part of some spiritual practice, but it’s only in a loose, casual, meditative way for understanding Self and personal reflection or healing. It’s something purely psychological not sacred. Yes, I really do see the benefits of spirituality. I just see the great danger of complete unquestioning blind illogical belief. I just can’t take origin stories and religious laws seriously. Completely illogical to me and promotes ignorance and stagnant humanity with no evolutionary growth. This is my view. I’m sorry if I seem “rigid” in my ways. I just haven’t had any convincing enough proof to change. It is me job to keep this body alive. So I learn what ways of thinking can harm us.

Now the other conflict to address: the reason I prefer to not be referred to as any gender that would hint at my genitalia, is because I am asexual in my existence. I see myself as pure electical pulses within the brain, and not represented by this body. I am not a sexual being and gender is irrelevant to me, as it’s whole purpose was created for emphasis of attractive reproductive features for catching a mate, or your own self esteem reassurance that you ARE attractive enough TO catch a mate IF wanted one. If you are not my doctor, you don’t get to talk about or know about my genitalia. You certainly don’t get to impose limitations on me based on what you think my genitalia is. Nor claim I can only think like the biological sex I’m born with…. Biology goes deeper than the physical genitalia you see. I am a nueter human and I haven’t surgically removed all the reproductive organs because of unnecessary health risks that come with that. It would be illogical. Especially since all anyone has to do is treat me like a person they don’t want to have sex with. Seriously. Don’t use that higher pitched sweet voice with me and don’t try to let me know how attractive you feel I am. It’s just a waste of my time and your breathe. Keep your arousal to yourselves. Now if I’m wearing something and you want to comment how cool it is because you would wear it or something, that’s different. I don’t mind comments that don’t hint you find me sexually appealing. Sometimes I like to ask how things look because I’m trying to perfect a look for fun, for myself. But that’s not fishing for compliments or anything. It’s more like open myself up to contstructive criticism. Haha!

Again and again people are kind to me, say they want to know and accept me, but they still speak to Jess as “the real Jess” and it’s not to their liking to consider the fact that the “JESS” they know is maybe just an “apparently normal part” who’s only job is to LOOK balanced and happy and be the first one every one sees. It is definitely not to their liking that during an integration process that maybe I’m the one who is “the real Jess.”

That is all I am saying for now…

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Signs Of Dissociation In Our Youth That We Can Think Of…

A short list…Just writing down some random clip notes about moments of dissociation in my childhood that came to mind. Sorry if some of this seems confusing. I just need to write it down so I remember if I want to address any of it more in depth later.

I have had this issue my whole life, and so many people didn’t understand. Still trying to figure out how to explain the symptoms of dissociation in children so other people can understand what kids are experiencing and that they need help. Here are some of my experiences I remember:

  • A big sign is if a child acts fine and happy almost immediately after a trauma (or exposing/opening up about prolonged trauma) Like, I should not have been okay with my rapist coming back in my life and being force to treat him like a brother who never wronged me. Treat him like it was not any worse than any other brother would “pick on” any other sister.

 

  • Mom for some reason thought it was safe to have me walk a few blocks with her late at night to sit with her at a bar….that’s another story….but I remember, often times i went to the restroom. I shut the door and stare at my reflection. I sat on the floor, I began to sing and hum and dissociate. I was gone for 45 minutes to up to an hour and a half at times I believe, but I cannot account for what was happening in that time, at Laffy’s Tavern. Mom never looked for me. I’d show back up after this long period. Mom nonchalantly noted I was gone a long time and asked “Did ya fall in?!” comically, and perhaps sometimes with a little annoyance…or that’s so how the young self perceives it…

 

  • Staring out the windows in school. It probably started around 3rd grade, and increased, to be especially at Belmont High School. I remember, I was horrified and embarrassed when teacher pointed out I was “looking at the clouds” when I was actually dissociating and she started asking me what’s so special about those clouds, and other things, making a spectacle of me….

 

  • People say my name to me, and I don’t respond. Not until they scream the full name. This has happened so many times throughout my entire life starting with my earliest memories. I can’t even try to describe a singular event of it. Interesting thing, mom gave me this “evaluation” sheet from my entry into Kindergarten. I would have been age 5. There was a section about tests for knowing my name: 1. Can say own name, 2. Knows name when it’s said to them, 3. Knows what name looks like (how it’s spelled, letters). They asked me what my name was, and I said Jessica. Box #1 was checked. But I must have gotten nervous and upset because immediately after I didn’t recognize them saying my name to me. On the sheet, box #2 is NOT checked. They show me a bunch of names and ask me to point out mine. I could not (and I tell you, I know that I did indeed know how to spell my name at 5 years old and my parents were quite confused why I had missed these milestone markers in the evaluation). So on this evaluation sheet, box #3 was not checked. My memories match up to this physical thing in present time. Dissociation and my other selves has been a part of me pretty much my whole life. We all have been here and we were not known until we started coming out saying who we were, wishing to be known.

The 5th Death of a 12 month period….My Dad….He passed away February 27th, 2018

I was at work. My phone was in my pocket as usual, counting the steps I walk at work, my measure of time for waiting periods for customers.

One this particular day, my phone rings. It was a busy weekend night, and this was my sister-in-law, Jenny, calling me. They know that I work weekend nights. Something in me felt the pull that this was not a casual call.

I had a second person with me that night, so while they handled customers, I ducked down behind the desk to answer.

Speaking quickly, I say, “Jenny, hi, I’m at work. Can I call you when I’m off?”

and in a very soft voice, she tells me that I need to get down there now.

She says Dad is in the hospital……….and he’s dying.

I don’t need to hear more.

I say very calmly and quietly myself: “ok. Let me go talk to my managers. I will be on my way.”

My coworker asked me what that was about.

I simply look at her and say: I’m sorry. I have to go. My Dad is dying.

What?! She exclaims.

I say again with no emotion, I have to go. My dad is dying. And with that I walk off not able to focus on the words and questions she was speaking. I don’t know what she was saying….

The dissociation had obviously hit me. I was robotic. It wasn’t even “me” Jess talking any more. I was quite distraught, and a multitude of emotions were blazing through me. I felt like I could not breathe, much less talk. I was inside my mind and I was breaking down in shock…

The ‘me’ in control walks, in a zombie like state, and approaches the managers.

Again the same simple sentences: I’m sorry I have to go.

They  ask, perplexed. “You have to go? Okay we will see if we can get you out of here soon….” Thinking I just wanted to be cut, so I could go home early because it was a slow night and we only needed one person to do the job.

I say: I’m sorry. I have to go.

Manager: You have to go?

Me: My Dad is dying. I have to go now.

They then of course see that I do indeed need to go now. They ask me if I am okay to drive. I–the me that is there–replies with a flat voice to say, “I will be fine. Another part of me who can drive will drive the car.”

The sadness and pain and sympathy in my managers eyes was noted and appreciated, but I was not there to express it. They told me to go ahead and get out of there, drive safe, take all the time I need, just call them when I know I am coming back.

I listened, a blank, emotionless stare. I nodded slowly, said “thank you, yes I will call you.” And with that I spin away from them, and in a trance I clock out, grab my things and walk to my car in a slow pace, for I knew what I was driving for wasn’t going away no matter how fast or slow I move.

No where to run, no where to hide. It’s found me once again.

Trauma was coming.

Dissociation so strong, but I wasn’t knocked out. I’m fighting to hold on.

I was viewing myself outside my body.

As I said, I different part who could drive took control.

Of all people, the one that pretty much always drives the car, it was Morrighan.

And for once, I wasn’t angry that she could be there to do something better than me.

 

 

I can’t finish writing this here. Have to come back and finish in another blog.

We are switching…

Thought we could write this. It seems it’s causing too much pain. For real man, physical pain. If you hadn’t guessed, Jess started out writing this and the body couldn’t handle the painful memory. It sparks some other painful stuff deeper we are not ready to deal with but has been trying to break through.

Don’t worry Jess, we got your back now.

Our many changing thoughts: We want to be proud to be multiple but not dissociated…

We want to be proud to be multiple but not dissociated….

This is the way we were born to think, we believe, but abuse caused the inability to function as a unit of a whole physical being.

Simply put, you must be born with the ABILITY to be MULTIPLE minds, it is not something that can be created.

Although trauma interferes with our brains, and we get dissociative disorder, our very existence is not a disorder, we feel. It can be a syndrome, but it is not only an illness. The illness is what is causing the disorder. Which we can heal, but that doesn’t mean any of us needs to go away. That doesn’t mean any of us need to not matter any more than any other part of us.

I truly believe that everyone is born with the ability to have several “ego states” that coincide with each other, and the purpose is for the way the body perceives itself and life, and learns to survive living. I basically believe everyone initially is “born multiple” and through out life learn how to “think singularly.” Some just grow to be LESS LIKE multiplied separate compartments, while others become even MORE separate individualized compartments of experience instead.

It makes sense, for survival reasons, that even though you internally many inside, it’s necessary to see yourselves as the same physical body. They still function and interact as separate parts of  the brain, separate brain processes. One consciousness cannot control another and they may want to battle for dominion over the life of the body. This occurs because for some reason the brain was born to keep these separate, like people being born with any other situation that has their brain learn and function differently. This is not an unheard of thing. Not all brains are the same.

Now, our way of living may be different, but it, to us, is not an illness or disorder.

In attempts at integrations, I’ve come to see, that it is not the erasure of every identity except the host, like many people assume. It is not the erasure of anyone, but instead one becomes all. I mean, the definition of integration pretty much literally means to COMBINE. Therefore, it’s like the mixing of a batter. When you bake it, it changes, but all those elements are STILL in that cake, all doing their own part to make that cake the delicious cake it is. Though you can’t actually see signs of the egg or milk or sugar, the elements of those ingredients make the cake and affect you and your body. From giving nutrients to causing allergic reactions.

Therefore, this is what integration is like. Just because you all mixed together into one thing, doesn’t mean you are not yourselves. Just because you all are in the fire together, doesn’t mean any of you are burned away. You are changed, but nothing is erased. Integration isn’t about being one identity at all. Its about understanding you all ARE ONE PHYSICAL PERSON more than anything else, and acceptance of your physical manifestation. And if you have a type of body dysphoria, you have to find a way to deal and have support to get around it.

We were never crazy, but accepting the physical reality can be difficult and traumatic. It’s hard to accept that who you thought you were and what you thought your life was is not entirely true. It’s hard to “adjust to reality.”

Once you start to understand the difference between an internal world and an external world, you start to understand that everyone has an internal world related only to them, where they perceive themselves in many ways, many scenarios interplay and work out what’s happening in the physical world.

Some of us may process information a little uncommonly, and some of us may perceive ourselves—and perceive as our many selves–a little different. We really don’t think we’ve been given a fair chance to show what we are capable of, as healthy and balanced. And this “healthy” to us doesn’t have to mean denying any part of ourselves. All we ask is that you understand, this is how we’ve always seen “I” and this is just the way our brain works. And trust us when we say, IT WORKS.

We don’t need to say our individual names everytime, but sometimes, it can help you understand what exactly you are dealing with and you need to know the different boundaries and likes and dislikes of each mind. If you can be aware of the whole of each one of those minds, you can flow easy with the turning cogs of the whole of the body.

I am Jey writing this, trying to be working as “the spokesman of the brain” as I can connect and send information back and forth between basically all parts (accept ones forcefully shutting me out…..meh, it happens…) And so, this is the sum of many of our feelings inside. Of course, others still share separate views. They have their chance to speak. This is some heartfelt words that were needed to be said here though. Many of us needed to “think this out loud” and see how it sounds bouncing off the wall back at us…

We don’t want to do anything but love ourselves, just the way we are. We are not broken. We are not sick.

That is those who caused us abuse and suffering. Not us.

 

The side effect of recovering memories and healing my DID is….

I start to feel like I don’t know who I really am or what I really want to be.

I don’t know who my friends or family really are.

I don’t feel I ever had a chance to bond with anyone and cannot feel bonded with anyone…

Does anybody know how this feels?

I mean, healing is great, in the end you are stronger. But there are sad things you learn about life along the way, and then you kinda have to heal those “new wounds” you get with the painful understanding of your truth.

But its okay, we are healing and can begin, from this day forward, to make bonds with people.

Let all parts of me come forward, feel accepted, and be present for it all.

Another moment of meditation to work in the internal universe with alters….Here is the conversations that goes on this time, another argument between Morrighan, June, Jey, and Jess (me) with an interesting outcome :

 

Morrighan – Look, June, i know you know something. You need to share with me.

June– its not anything you can understand. you dont know what the hell we were put through

Morrighan– it’s not going to help if you fight me

June– It’s not going to help if you FIGHT ME. UGH! LEAVE ME ALONE! I am NOT talking to YOU!

Morrighan*smirks* actually, you ARE talking to me.

June– *grunts and screams* LEAVE ME ALONE!

Jey– Have you had enough yet, Morrighan? You cannot get her to let you in. I’ve tried. It’s too dangerous because the force she shoots back.

Morrighan– I’m not afraid of a little girl screaming.

Morrighan approaches June and leans very close to her face. Breathes hot breath on her glasses fogging them up.

Morrighan– You are not seeing clearly, my dear. Let me help you.

June’s glasses were already in Morrighan’s hands and she was cleaning them off with her shirt.

June had already jumped back from the offensive hot breath blown in her face, a simulated mental experience but the reaction was real nonetheless. Before she could step away, Morrighan’s speed snatched the lenses off her nose.

June is redfaced with anger now.

Jey*tilts head inquisitively* Now, why would you do that? Why would you press her more?

Morrighan– Just watch…

Morrighan answers Jey never taking her eyes off June. She stares June down. Not with an intimidating face, but a look of….What’s this? Sympathy? Yes. How strange… And she gives a long slow sigh, shaking her head. Holds out her arm offering the lenses back to June.

The red face begins to have tears falling down. June is sobbing. Fists that were clenched released.

June just needed someone to stand up to her, to show they were not afraid of her. But at the same time not trying to create fear in her. June needed to know it was safe.

She timidly reaches out her hands to delicately take the frames from Morrighan. Morrighan puts her arm around Junes shoulder.

Morrighan – Now, lets just go sit down and take a breather shall we?

June looks down at the ground, nodding yes still slightly sobbing, and begins walking through the house with Morrighan to sit down somewhere.

Jey watches. Emotionless as usual.

I stare, jaw dropped, guffawed.

Jess(me)- What….what just happened there?

Jey – Morrighan is figuring something out.

Jess– Oh yea and whats that?

Jey sharply turns there head toward me. It started me, looking at there large round eyes that were completely blacked out.

Jey– Something you are not to know yet.

Lightning replaces the blackness, shooting out of her eyes.

Jess– Oh…no..

They lift there arm out slowly at me. Lighting surrounds me.

I feel myself floating, no longer in the house of our internal mind.

Open my eyes. I’m sitting here still in this chair, snapped out of my meditative moment.

I grumble to myself….

“Damn it, Jey….Every. Single. Time.”

And my head hurts slightly now from them (Jey) blocking me out and pushing me out.

The memories don’t make sense…they are ones I’ve never had before. And they change my whole life story. A completely new struggle

I thought I had fully understood what happened to me. I was on a mission to change the world now, because I understood what happened to me enough to share it with others, to expose the truth of the kind of childhood sexual abuse I suffered, that created my DID.

And then, my father dies….and every thing changes….

New memories….or, more like, remembering memories I’ve always know but it’s like they never had meaning and I discarded them as…..as something like……I don’t know?….Almost as if they were illusions, something out of a nightmare, making my real life nightmare seeming more horrific than it already was….And I would just take a deep breath and shake my head and just think, “wow you are a weirdo. your life was hard enough. stop watching so many cheesey horror movies…” ya-da ,ya-da…Because nothing like that could have possibly happened, by any logical sense, and it sounded so far off and crazy……but then…forgotten from childhood into my adulthood, a few times in my early 20’s I saw these flashes of “weird memories” that made no sense and just made me feel awkward…And here now, in 2018, my father dies (i will have to tell you about this in another post…very traumatic event but also very healing, and I’m not talking about Dad’s death, I’m talking about issues I had to deal with on top of it)….Then some how…something in me changes. Happier. And sadder.. I feel different….and then…these memories are coming back and this time, it doesn’t feel like dreams or illusions…..It feels like any other real traumatic memory I had. But it’s now visually a blur, with strong emotions attached….

How can this be? What is this pain? what is this panic? this doesn’t make sense..

 

And then………Who are these people?

I can’t see faces…

Or sometimes even a clear out line of a body at all

 

But i know…

 

I KNOW…

I know they are there..

Why can’t I see them. Why can’t I remember this right? What is this confusion? And why does some of the information change around?? It looks like several movies were chopped up and different scenes glued back together from all movies in random order…

 

What the hell does all this mean?

Does anything I’ve said make any damn of a sense to anyone right now?

Im sort of in a dissociative state….

I am Jesss

I think.

Actually, I don’t think I know who I am?

When “Fractal Jess” appears….The Amnesia Jess and Apparently Normal Parts….

I can’t remember what brought the Fractals out…I just know, it was too intense for any level of the system to handle. Everyone shut down. Then, the “back up system” boots up. Its constant rapid switching of tiny pieces, copies of “Jesses” over and over again. None every fully experiencing more than a moment….Except for a certain moment. A purpose. A moment when we have a feeling that we need to be somewhere or do something. What that is, that thing we feel we need to achieve, whatever it is…..I don’t know. I don’t think it’s the same all the time either. I know this is the most vague and elusive post I could ever do….I seriously started this off with intent to make more sense. My knowledge is currently limited….

The Fractals appear when all else fails or when a certain pattern is repeated to cause a chain reaction, causing the system to reenact a certain pattern complimentary to the first too…..What is that pattern and why is the rest of the system failing? The pattern is certain events in life or nature that repeat, or certain places we revisit, as well as behavior patterns interacting with people. The system fails because of a physical state of being that we don’t understand…I don’t even understand this enough to explain it to you. I can give you only one short example:

Conflict with relationship, not sure what it was…Overwhelming feeling of losing everything all over again, reinforcing thoughts that we don’t deserve anything. Suicidal ideas begin, with the system failing, no logical reason to exist. The Fractals appear. A burden so great it must be broken into so many pieces, more people to take the burden and less suffering on each one. Then one stays front to consider necessity of a hospital bed. One stays up front to contact friend for suggestions. One comes out to reject help and be suspicious of everything. One comes up front to just sit in car and not leave the location…..That last one there still, our boyfriend finds us. We were parked off in a far end of the parking lot of our complex opposite of our actual apartment. I didn’t know who he was, but I knew he was someone I could trust. I believed him when he told me I was dissociating and it was safe to come with him. He would take us home, I somehow knew. I conceded to leave my location, against the original coarse of action. Because I had the information to trust him.

Once home, constant confusion and rapid switching, so conversation could go no where. Eventually….Jey wakes up. The Fractals are shut down….Dissociative Jess takes over, as we, The Fractal Jesses, now can rest…

Just like now, we can rest. We are typing here because of….something…..I don’t know. We just had to keep ourselves in one spot.

Focus is returning to Jey because of physical stimulation and focus on typing and controlling what the body does. Self destruct shut down.

It was nice to share. Thanks for reading.

Talking about signs of dissociation in childhood and some of the leniency on my rapist and some of the sexual abuse is discussed. Sharing helpful links at end of rambling blog I feel give clues to the signs to look for and information to know about childhood signs of PTSD and DID, traumatic affects on brain in children, and dissociative symptoms in children.

I hope to get the world paying attention and seeing the signs of children who have suffered trauma and abuse more easily. To see children are not “just pretending” or daydreaming, and are not having an attention or focus problem. The earlier you catch this disorder, the easier it is to get all parts in a developed dissociative system to work together, possibly even form one unified external identity. At least they have a greater chance of success, if they at least know themselves and understand all aspects that exist in their multiple selves, already having balance and learning to live multiple.

If I tell what I went through, then maybe people can know what to look for. People can help children before they become broken adults. There were signs of my dissociation in my childhood, but people missed it. It was to be my downfall in adulthood. Especially never having broken the programming for abuse and ending up in terrible situations with terrible people. Confused with attention deficit and “day dreaming” and told I needed to work harder to focus, no one could see that I was really far gone from awareness. People shamed me as a “childish” and told me I needed to grow up. They didn’t understand the underlying cause of my actions. They couldn’t see the confusion and fear in my eyes. They didn’t know what dissociation was.

My parents couldn’t see the severity in my disorder and instead focused on the horrific situation of the other child, and healing whatever what “broken” in him that caused him to rape me. This was a terrible mistake, affecting my healing. I am not here to trash my parents or family, I am only trying to help others know what my family had no way of knowing. I know there are some sad things I will have to share about my family, but please trust that I know that information lacking and their own pains also had something to do with their choices. It was strangely the way the world seemed to react to this, by just trying to bury it. Thinking the child who’s traumatized is young enough to forget. I’m sharing my story now so no one ever makes this mistake again. The body never forgets, the mind compartmentalizes what it cannot take in full blown force.

It wasn’t just my parents, it was many other adults in my life from teachers to the principle to doctors to counselors to spiritual leaders. They all felt it needed to be hidden, and that would be best to “protect me” from public shame. They had no way of knowing what had actually happened to me or how bad I really was affected by it. They had no way of knowing that my problem was hiding and hushing myself, when the needed to teach me it was okay to speak. They just mostly believed keeping it hushed was best for everyone. They had no knowledge to go on. There is STILL not enough information to go on to this day. That needs to change. This needs to be taken seriously. D.I.D. is no joke, no game. Childhood trauma can be everlasting life long if we don’t know how to heal it.

All my life I remember that I always forget. By that I mean, I’ve always “lost time” and suffered dissociative amnesia. Also, I called myself different names, different genders, claimed to be an actual cat and not even human, and it wasn’t a game anymore when it lasted hours–or days–and I’d become enraged or unruly when everyone began to refuse to acknowledge these changes of selves. I was often seen with a far away look in my eyes, making motions, sitting in the middle of the floor, waving arms but saying nothing. At times I was confused, I often didn’t have reasonable knowledge I should have had, and I was often labeled just as “spacey” for it. There is even a joke in my family that “Jessica get’s distracted by oooohhh SHINEY things…” It wasn’t a matter of distraction, it simply was in a different compartment of my mind I didn’t have access to. Many times I was standing around, “doing nothing” (really not doing nothing as I’m having flashbacks or I was triggered into dissociation right before their eyes but they couldn’t see it) If only there had been greater knowledge to the possibility of trauma as the cause and understanding that this isn’t “child’s play” but clinical dissociation.

With the prevalence of child abuse issues, every teacher should be taught to consider this before choosing to be another trauma in the child’s life by bringing them punishment and not help. Be aware of the implications of dissociation before scolding them and embarrassing them. This shame can trigger worsening dissociation. I remember “waking up” from a black out. I’m standing in front of the whole class, mortified and suffering derealization/depersonalization as I could not explain what I did not remember, an incident that just happened to put me in this predicament.

I had a unique situation nobody want’s to have to deal with. I was a victim of child on child sexual abuse. For some reason, a nine year old boy began abusing and manipulating and sexually assaulting a toddler sibling. It’s easy to hate a grown person, as a sicko, and often demanding harsh punishment like sterilization and castration. Yet, when it’s a child doing it to another child, the situation changes. It’s not anger, it’s just complete discomfort or even more pity and help for the perpetrator than the victim. And everybody would rather forget and stop talking about it as soon as possible. Everybody wants to be able to look at a child and see an innocent child, not a sexual deviant, pedophile, pervert.

No one could understand that his presence alone was cause for my dissociation and that I needed to feel permanently safe away from him. That he needed sent away, for the rest of my childhood…… and forever, really. True, he needed help. He could have had help simultaneously while serving an adequate punishment for his crimes. There are certain things that you have to take into consideration, for knowing if someone is reform-able and if someone is safe to be around children…

Some crimes there is no coming back from, no matter your age. Crimes that bring forth pleasures that are addicting chemical responses in the brain. Sexual crimes makes you a permanent danger, the rest of your life, because being caught or even shamed cannot change what someone finds sexually gratifying. A sexual assault victim should never be encouraged or expected to forgive and love their rapist, even if said rapist was a child. You cannot preach a rhetoric of  “they are a boy who didn’t know better” because they do, and even after being punished, they won’t stop enjoying what they enjoy. And if the punishment was light, they are given more satisfaction. No one seemed to even consider, because we both were children, how a victim should never have to tolerate being in the same room with their rapist again. It only takes that one moment of opportunity for someone to try to attack you, and yet people seem to believe that a former perpetrator will not act on any opportunity?

I want to be what I wish I had as a child. Someone who says they matter more than the future of those who rape them of a normal life. I’m sorry, don’t come at me with “but they were victimized too” or any excuse for their actions. I have no time for a nature versus nurture debate. If you choose to have compassion, you have to see where compassion is most needed. To choose no side is automatically NOT choosing the victims side and therefore actually choosing the perp’s side. There is only one truth when you are a sexual abuse and assault victim. There is no neutral option in this situation.

I don’t know what I can do to make it a safer place for kids, or at least easier to ask for help. However,  I’m hoping at least if I speak from my feelings and experiences as a child feeling let down by all the adults in my life, maybe someone will figure out what needs to be changed. I’m searching to find what should have been and could be done in these situations to better help children. I hope through writing this blog someone figures it out.

I am sharing some links that I personally feel are helpful or thought provoking information related to dissociative symptoms in childhood or any symptom that would point to signs of trauma. These sites have to do with siting signs of trauma in children, PTSD in children, signs of dissociation in children. Hopefully people will hear me and see this is important to study more. I hope to see science better informed by listening to personal experiences of survivors. I want to stop the misdiagnosing children. I believe it’s always best to expect the worst can be true and seek to disprove that, not the other way around by picking the easiest and most comfortable option to you. Just so you can “be done with it.”

If you have some great links to suggest, comment below! I had some trouble finding good ones related to childhood symptoms. Yet I did find a few ones where adults described their childhoods, which I feel can be helpful. We are even offering some articles that may have views a little “off” from ours, but I try to keep an open mind and see if there is something interesting worth sharing related. I’ll still be adding to this…probably continually edit this post again and again adding all the ones I forgot or just discovered that I feel would be great additions to the reading list.

I really want people to have a lot of knowledge about dissociation and PTSD and DID in children. Children need support and so few people can have the information much less be able to see the signs. If a child exhibiting a lot of “spacey” or “daydreaming” behavior, seems really forgetful and suddenly switching in “moods” I’d suggest looking for PTSD signs and signs of sexual abuse. So that’s why I’ve included a few sites about those.

These links are random, in no particular order, other than maybe the order I discovered them in. Ha….I hope you find some of them useful or beneficial in understanding how important it is to get more information about abused children suffering dissociation in childhood or even showing signs of multiplicity.

LINKS:

  1. The Mighty: 24 Signs You Experienced Dissociation as A Child : https://themighty.com/2017/10/24-signs-you-experienced-dissociation-as-a-child/
  2. The ISSTD is probably the best place to start for information about dissociation in youth. Search through here: http://www.isst-d.org/default.asp?contentID=100
  3. Very long PDF of a lot of DID information and it is a Child Dissociative Checklist that is interesting to look at: https://secure.ce-credit.com/articles/102019/Session_2_Provided-Articles-1of2.pdf
  4. Not sure we agree with everything in this article but it has a lot of interesting information to consider – “4 Truths About Children Showing Signs of Dissociative Identity Disorder”: https://blogs.psychcentral.com/caregivers/2015/04/4-truths-about-children-showing-signs-of-did/
  5. “DISSOCIATION, PROTECTIVE AS A CHILD, DANGEROUS AS AN ADULT” :https://www.survivingmypast.net/dissociation-protective-as-a-child-dangerous-as-an-adult/
  6. A lot of information here – “Childhood Responses to Threat/Coping Strategies”: https://www.blueknot.org.au/Workers-Practitioners/For-Health-Professionals/Resources-for-Health-Professionals/Child-Coping-Strategies
  7. Again, not sure if we agree with all in here but it has a lot of important information to consider – “DID in Children”: http://did-research.org/controversy/children.html
  8. PTSD in Children and Teens: https://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/family/ptsd-children-adolescents.asp
  9. PTSD Symptoms in Children Age Six and Younger: https://adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/children/posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/symptoms

  10. Discusses how PTSD looks different in children than adults – “PTSD in Children: Know the Signs, Symptoms, and How to Get Help”:  http://www.georgetownbehavioral.com/node/1876
  11. When Children Are Battle Scarred: PTSD In Children. Signs & Symptoms: https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/ptsd/when-children-are-battle-scarred-ptsd-in-children-signs-and-symptoms/

  12. Interesting  site that addresses PTSD in children and what can be done about it: http://keltymentalhealth.ca/mental-health/disorders/post-traumatic-stress-disorder
  13. At the end a great suggestion on prevention of PTSD – “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in Children”:
    http://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=post-traumatic-stress-disorder-in-children-90-P02579
  14. About sexual abuse – “Warning Signs for Young Children”:
    https://www.rainn.org/articles/warning-signs-young-children
  15. Very informative – “Child Sexual Abuse Warning signs. What to look for in adults and children”:
    https://www.parentsprotect.co.uk/warning_signs.htm
  16. Don’t be Clueless. Learn the Possible Signs of Sexual Abuse: https://www.anxioustoddlers.com/signs-of-sexual-abuse/#.WznvO9JKiUk

  17. Tip Sheet: Warning Signs of Possible Sexual Abuse In A Child’s Behaviors: https://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/tip-sheet-7

  18. “Recognize trauma, change a child’s future”: http://www.recognizetrauma.org/symptoms.php
  19. Early Childhood Trauma: https://www.nctsn.org/what-is-child-trauma/trauma-types/early-childhood-trauma
  20.  Great article about Maladaptive Daydreaming, a serious issue misunderstood, although not specifically about children: https://makeitultrapsychology.wordpress.com/2017/07/12/4-signs-of-maladaptive-daydreaming/
  21. Another good article about maladaptive daydreaming, to help you understand it in case a child suffers it – “What It’s Like When Your Daydreams Are Just As Real As Life”:
    https://www.thecut.com/2016/10/what-its-like-to-be-a-maladaptive-daydreamer.html
  22. When Daydreaming Replaces Real Life: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/04/when-daydreaming-replaces-real-life/391319/
  23. What’s to know about maladaptive daydreaming?: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319400.php
  24. About Maladaptive Daydreaming- “Your child might have this condition you never heard of”: http://blog.theautismsite.com/maladaptive-daydreaming/
  25. Info about maladaptive daydreaming: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/maladaptive-daydreaming#outlook
  26. Does my child have maladaptive daydreaming?: https://thedreamingplace.com/2016/07/12/maladaptive-daydreaming-child-have/
  27. Great website I found specifically for support of those with Maladaptive Daydreaming: http://wildminds.ning.com/profiles/blogs/official-maladaptive
  28. Possible signs of child abuse: https://www.webmd.com/children/child-abuse-signs#1
  29. Understanding Dissociative Identity Disorder in Children: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/201312/understanding-dissociative-identity-disorder-in-children
  30. “I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and so do my kids”: https://information.pods-online.org.uk/my-unique-vantage-point-parenting-dissociative-identity-disorder-with-dissociative-identity-disorder/