*HERE ARE THE NAMES AND SOME INFO/MINI BIOGRAPHIES ABOUT EACH*
MORE TO COME AS THE JESS IDENTITIES BREAK DOWN WALLS AND BUILD BRIDGES BETWEEN ALL SELVES.
SIDE NOTE: YOU WILL SEE EVEN ALTERS HAVE NICKNAMES FOR THEMSELVES. 🙂
Sometimes, I’m not the “Jess” you know of.
Sometimes, I’m not “Jess” at all.
Yet, any of “me” doesn’t have to be seen as that much different than any of you.
Welcome to Dissociative Identity Disorder.
There are three “hosts” who are very similar in appearance, but hold different symptoms and different information. They all have the same name they respond to, they all respond to the birth name. So, when you think you are talking to “Jess” it may not be the “Jess” you think. To separate between the Jess identities inside, we give them nicknames to describe what kind of “Jess” they are:
This is host Post Traumatic Jess aka “PTjessD.” I deal with the basic physical and emotional symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. I sometimes can interact with other parts inside but sometimes being emotionally and physically drained I lack the energy to. Most people see me most days except when I feel depressed.
There is also host we call Serendipity who doesn’t feel like she has an identity so often has an asterisk when she signs her name, like “Jess*“. The asterisks signify that the name has some “fine print” along with it, meaning other identities may be at play in how she presents because she is somehow more connected with all the identities. She can communicate easily between the internal system world. She is host when we feel most balanced with each other and have energy to be co-conscious living and working together as a team. But she still doesn’t have access to all the memories or experiences the body has.
Finally, there is the one who forgets so we can live on. She is the third host, using the full name “Jessica,” the one the others nickname “Apparently Normal Jess” and “Amnesia Jess” who has limited and difficult access to trauma knowledge. She goes back and forth between being in denial of DID and wanting to accept DID. She can’t really connect easily with other identities and wants to be the “only one” as she wants other identities to “go away”) She is host for short bursts to fill in when you have to live in the now but the past is trying to resurface. She literally is a “blank slate” to survive triggering situations and every time she surfaces her knowledge of her situation changes. Not sure if this is the same “Jessica” or perhaps I have many “smaller parts” of “Jessica’s” that I don’t have counted or maybe these are new parts that keep being made. Still working on figuring this out. It seems to be close to confirmed, there are a lot of these “little pieces” floating around and it’s highly likely NOT the same “APN Jess” and this system may be much larger. But since these don’t seem to be complete full “identities” so I sum them up as one type of Jess, but a group of Jess I call ” the Fractals.” I think the secrets I am missing may lie within them.
Is this getting confusing already or what? Are you following along?
We all respond to any version of Jess or Jessy or Jessica as our name because we are the hosts who speak with the body most often and are most accustomed to the “Jess” identity.
Others respond to “Jess” but will correct you about their name if they have a chance. As long as it feels safe or appropriate. (We learned to hide ourselves and identities as a protective measure)
Names of others besides 3 “Jess” hosts:
Referred to as genderless and called a singular usage of they/them or a plural usage because they are often “the negotiator” and neutral who is speaking for all or mediating between. Always listening and affecting things from the background. Has access to all memories however has a neutral attitude of trauma. Doesn’t feel a connection with the body as theirs so they don’t feel they physically “experience ” most events. Unless connected co conscious with another’s emotions they often show a flat affect, seem robotic. They sometimes also may appear cheerful yet anxious, or appears awkward and uncomfortable as they try to understand human etiquette they aren’t used to. They consider themselves the “gate keeper” and the “first alter” who believes they caused the creation of others by refusing to feel attached to the body. This is what supposedly could be the “core” self often talked about. Jey could fall under a “non human” alter category, as they see themselves as pure thought form, and a shapeless being of light. They exist in the mind, part of the human body, the spark controlling life’s path. They are able to morph into whatever they wish, and often appear as a masculine body much more muscular than mine (but not too much larger), but also has a beautiful androgynous or feminine face painted up in vivid colors. They will appear with white hair that changes styles and lengths, usually shaved somewhere. They almost pure imagination and pure thought, and feel they are pure energy. However, as part of a human being living, they still count as a “human” and are therefore listed here first. They build and manage the elaborate layout of our internal universe, and inside there they say they are “God.” However, Jey considers themselves, in the physical form (as in fronting executive control of the body) as an “atheist.” They look to define the physical world by the best common definitions, based off common observation and scientific methods.
She is the ONLY RIGHT HANDED identity. She is pretty much the opposite of all others, personality wise. Nothing really gets to her. It’s like nothing ever happened to her. She even knows most of what happened, but it’s like she’s okay still. You will mostly hear about her annoyance with people, within the internal world of our DID system and physically others without us, for not being “up to her standards.” She prefers to be alone, where pretty much everyone else inside has some desire for people interaction. She can bully people with sarcasm if they upset us or cross the line with her somehow. She has a knack for picking out weaknesses, which she collects nearly the moment she meets people. Has control over her emotions, is always calm and relaxed unless she is angry. Even her anger is controlled though. It’s not that she is fearless but she is courageous. She does appear at times to lack a little empathy for others, but it was probably a necessary protective measure to be the only one who can do things necessary to survive. Sometimes things that even require hurting others. They call her “The Wolf” because of her cool and controlled demeanor, and she moves at times with a hint of danger just barely underneath the steady surface. She feels compelled to fix problems when nothing else seems to be done. As she comes to “clean up the messes” she will very much point out everything you did wrong…..Any fans of the movie Pulp Fiction? “The Wolf” character in that movie is someone she models herself after. Ha Ha….She is seen as both the bully and the savior. An insensitive blunt b*tch to some and a loyal unshakable ally to others. She has a softness for children and animals.
- Eva Marie a.k.a Evie
A mother figure who is older maturity than the actual birth age. Often soothes the children internally and is very helpful with therapeutic methods and comforting. She would come off as very similar to the type of “mom persona” you see in old black and white classics. She likes to comfort and help other people and volunteer her help if she can. She hugs a lot. She likes to say she will pray for you or even have a moment of prayer right there. Very focused on the bible and God. Likes to cook and bake for people.
- Morgana a.k.a. Ana
Not much is really known about her…Probably the closest thing to “crazy” “unpredictable” we’ve got in here. They call her “Chaos.” She is always laughing. She’s unpredictable, constantly changing facial expressions at times. She doesn’t suffer pain. Her energy is either positive or negative affected by the environment she comes to the front in. See, can be “chaotic good” or “chaotic evil” haha…Full of energy. Doesn’t really sit still, at least not for long. Antagonizing. Takes dangerous risks for fun. Unusual speed in comparison to all other identities
- Erzsebet a.k.a Zsi Zsi
She is known as “the helper.” Mostly takes over on basic repetitive actions. Will continue a task for another identity if needed or asked. She is just known as the nice one who keeps all the secrets. She spends a lot of time focused on the health and fitness of the body. As it is something most of others neglect it and it’s important to be strong enough to stand up for yourself. She really wants to help us in any way we can take care of ourselves. She believes spirituality is part of that importance taking care of oneself and sticks to our Catholic upbringing, but not obsessively so.
Age is 18. Care free, confident, “glamorous”, an accent and higher pitched voice. Sometimes “southern” and sometimes “valley girl” sounding. She has a bubbly and flirty personality. Though 18 is considered an “adult age” she is still a teenager. She is both trying to “act like an adult” and still enjoy being a youth. She usually wears a lot of make up and often changes the clothes we wear to look more “trendy.” Though she only does what she “feels like” it’s often true she can be quite responsible. She is also a pagan, calls herself a priestess or a “neo-druid.” Do not call her a witch, she dislikes the term and doesn’t relate to it.
Age is 15. Most intellectual but lacks the maturity to handle such knowledge as she has at an age so young. Working on maturing her age and teaching her through experiences on how to regulate her emotions better. Holds many bad memories and often blames herself or takes it out on people trying to help because she cant trust them. Needs reassured often of your trustworthiness, needing to be reassured it’s safe frequently too. Helpful to remind her she is safe and no one is trying to hurt her. Even when it’s hardest, it’s most important to do so when she’s threatening and offensive toward you. Usually catch her reading books or watching documentaries. She goes from awkward and shy, to angry or depressed in an instant. Can be suicidal and has history of self harm (we have this mostly under control now). Talks quietly and makes little eye contact until upset then she screams and becomes offensive and “in your face” attitude…. She seems erratic but is a type of protector, pushing people away before they hurt you….or you hurt them. She is indecisive and anxious (knowing too much can do that to ya, hard to make choices when so much to think about). She considers herself a “skeptic” and an agnostic yet strangely struggles with some idea (delusion?) that she may be a prophet and doesn’t want to be.
- Bill a.k.a. “Bel”
Age is 16, the only alter identifying as a guy/man/boy. He likes to play pranks and make jokes and play games. He is also aggressive and impulsive. He is very sexually explicit and humor very perverse uncaring of the audience. Often embarrassingly so. Sees himself as a bisexual guy. His perversions include turning negative abuse experiences into positive sexual desires and fetishes. He does this by saying he wanted to do the things and that he was in control, protecting the children. He likes to be competitive. Has a quiet personality until angered but gets hyper sometimes. Has body dysphoria and feels unloved and depressed but always hides it behind a smile and a joke. He once believed he was a demon or has some demon part inside him, still does at times, but now he changed his name and tries to be a normal kid and grow up and be tough enough to not let any of us be abused again. He has dreams of weightlifting and gaining large muscles and a more “masculine” body frame.
The *Little Children* (younger than teens)
Gives off a youthful vibe, maturity level fluctuates, age indeterminable, childlike excitement. Doesn’t want to interact with other alters but loves to interact with people outside the system. Loves to be outside in nature and especially around trees. Has a whole-hearted belief in mystical/magical beings, angels and fairies and that real magic exists. She believes she can learn about and find all these things. Believes she can communicate with ghosts and spirits in other dimensions. Her twin, Sapphire, is a “ghost” in our system and only Emerald can hear her words and communicate with her, often the only one who can “see” her twin.
- Eloise( age 4)
Playful and imaginative, likes to draw with pencils and blank paper more than color, likes cartoons, and often she is the one keeping me awake late at night and eating all the snacks in the cupboard, leaving dishes and trash around, and toys in the middle of the floor. Though mostly cheerful and adorable, she gets frightened by young boys and teen boys, but older fatherly men do not frighten her. When she gets upset she becomes inconsolable and will retreat back internally, where usually Eva Marie is sent to console her.
- Connie(age 8)
She is always in pain. She is quiet, fidgety, trying to pretend she’s not hurting, until the moment she breaks down and is in need of comfort. She is stuck in trauma time of abuse. It’s hard to connect with her and it’s hard to bring her forth into present reality so she can heal. She rejects any kindness, believing it a trap and she only understand physical touch to mean pain. When we are under a lot of distress, often times we’d feel sensations of pain shoot through the body just because someone accidentally brushed up against us. We’ve had this issue since about middle school age, and it seems Connie is still keeping the feelings we never healed.
- Kiki (aka “Kitty-Kitty” it’s short for)
Kiki is a cat that distracts from reality as a human, our spirit animal, she mostly makes cat like noises and “meows” but can speak at times it seems. She doesn’t speak hardly ever, as she comes out when there is nothing to say or we can’t process the situation to converse or interact much. She is like some type of “shapeshifter” that goes from being a cat to being an anthropomorphic cat creature. Sometimes will say nothing and curl up and take a “cat nap” in odd places, like the floor or a closet or only curling up on part of a couch or end of a bed. Occasionally represents a sexual desire by “presenting in heat” like a cat. She sometimes will fight with “claws” if feeling temperamental. This could be a reaction to not having a normal healthy exposure to sex and feeling uncomfortable with our sexuality when puberty began. Being unable to deal with and feeling ashamed of sexual desire. There may also be signs that point to possibly were made to act as an animal during abuse, which may have influenced the creation of this perception.
Zoey is a sprite (and sees herself as this small fairy creature when fronting identity, but says if you can’t see her it’s because she uses “glamour” to hide her “true identity”). She is mischievous and joyful and playful, high pitched childlike voice when in a good mood but deepens if in a somber or serious mood. Childish in attitude, has adult intelligence, sexual at times, doesn’t know much about “human customs and society.” She is very curious, sometimes gets her in trouble, and she asks a lot of questions. Mistaken for a child often, Zoey actually is considered an ageless “immortal”
Justice is an angel sent to protect, defend, and guide. Justice is actually “living out a penance” for failure of some sort, unsure of the reason thus far…. Appears to have no determinable age but is a mature adult form anywhere between 25 and 40, portrayal of mostly feminine and gendered a “she/her.” She doesn’t display any skin except basically her head and neck, wearing even gloves, clad in either some type of armor or a simple loosely fitting white cloak… Sometimes visualized with feathered wings, sometimes without. Hair sometimes long shining golden (like real gold), falling in wavy locks, while other times a tight braid around her head. The dogma this angel is from is unknown right now. She does seem to speak in terms of “God” and “Devil” with heavy Judeo-Christian themes but very dark undertones. Unusual calmness, strength, and stability that drastically differs from other identities and hosts. Many times heard quoting religious scripture and books from many paths that no other self has been able to do, and has even been known to inspire people to “find God” for themselves, going toward many spiritual paths.
Sapphire is the ghost that knows the times we almost died in our childhood (and later adulthood). She is understood to be same age as Emerald. “Identical twins,” age indeterminable, doesn’t speak, except her twin Emerald seems to “communicate” some how. She doesn’t control the body, floats outside of it next to Emerald. We don’t really get a good look at her, but what we glimpse resembles an opaque bluish apparition in the shadows. Always disappearing as soon as we try to really focus on that shadow of her, she is much a mystery. According to Emerald, she is a ghost and only she can see her with ease. Certain other alter selves may have the ability to see ghosts, and can see Sapphire, but it would not always work. Most of what we know about Sapphire, we hear via Emerald’s communication with her twin.