Integration is our interest, but not EVERYONE’s best interest. Here are Pros/Cons!

Reasons or benefits of staying a “multiple?” 

Because you are happy with who you are and it causes you no disorder.

That’s it. That’s the only important fact to know.

Reasons or benefits of integrating?

Because it DOES cause you disorder, even distress.

Conclusion:

There is nothing “wrong” with being a multiple, itself.

Identity is a personal experience, and each person deserves their sovereign right to make the decision of who they are and how they are represented.

 

Post Script Note:

It is our belief that co-consciousness is the only “true integration.” It is the integration we all should talk about and always strive for. There should be no holes and no black outs and no loss of time for any of us (unless it was done purposely and necessarily, like protecting the kiddos from “adult” things, if ya get me?). So when we say we are “integrating,” it should never mean anyone “goes away.” It should only mean we all embrace each other and have  a common unified experience. We are still who we are individually.

The life we lived can’t be undone, WE STILL EXIST. If existed in history, we still exist in the future. Each of our pasts are our own unique stamp on the universe.

Our memories are pasts that cannot be relived, nor exactly re-experienced, and forever separate.

We can come to the understanding that we are one being, one “external person” if you will, but we will always be our own persons inside.

This is how we developed, this is how we live. We deserve to be acknowledged as “we.”

This is not a flaw, because it helped us survive. This is a gift. 

 

“So who’s writing this, by the way??” you may ask.

I’m Suzy. This integration talk in therapy has matured me some, from 17 to 18 and I do less childish choices now, also can be more responsible. I’ve been a bit care free and I guess I like to have fun and I break the rules sometimes, but I’ve been a little disheartened by some of the things I’ve experienced in this fusion of memories. I’ve also had to “grow up” a bit, and learn about “adulting.” Ha!

I think we can find a way of being that is more constructive and less destructive.

I don’t have to lose lots of the sunshine and joy that makes up who I am and what I do.

I think it’s not necessary that I feel all the things that everyone else experienced.

I think just talking and learning about them and being supportive is enough for me.

I think, I really do feel, that you are needlessly traumatizing an otherwise healthy me.

It’s only necessary that those who are hurting get healed. I may be young, but I’m not stupid and I can tell you I’ve only experienced some “fusion” of memories and it’s changed me. Is it really necessary to traumatize me, so you can say we are all “integrated?”

Can  integration not just be we all know what happens from this day forward??

I am also really thinking, because of our own personal experience of reemergence of hidden people, that if you stop hearing anyone else, that maybe they were just bullied or scared into silence? What if that could happen? We have memories of feeling completely co-conscious for a short periods in our life but trauma or abuse would separate us again. What if the doctors been wrong this whole time thinking integration was just one person speaking? What if we just need help healing what separated us?

We feel it is not just one person speaking, but integration is ALL people speaking with one voice. And so we thought, this is why we all need to legally pick a new name for the “outside person” to represent all of us in the system as one. Not to hurt our parents dissing the name they gave us, but it’s just not a name that we feel fairly represents us any more. The hosts who were Jess are not the same anymore and I think a new host will have to fill in. It’s like we are currently discussing who to “vote in as the new leader.” So….Then…… We will pick a name, agreed by whole system and that is our new name to match the new prominent “fronter” (as in, the new host). Anyway, that’s a rant for another day. LOL.

Thanks, ya’ll, for listening.

Lotsa Loves,

~Suz

Internal conflicts: The sabotaging host, “Normal Jess,” who wants to force integration and the alters fighting it.

So we have been working on finding others like us, to find solidarity and to reaffirm we are not “crazy.” It’s hard, being the only “multiple” out there and nobody understands you or takes you seriously.

However, as we begin to talk to other systems, it has seem to given some of us alters in here some problems. Some alters are confused about life goals, because they are hearing things they never heard before. We have been working so long to be just one, and some looking unto the internet has planted in our mind that being one is not what we are supposed to be.

This conflict inside has left the one alter who is adamant that we all must integrate NOW, to just blow up at anyone who tries to suggest otherwise.

This is the host we call “Normal Jess.”

She knew nothing about the abuse or us all until recently.

This blowing up has only been internal…Until now. She actually began trying to convince the world that integration is the only way. She feels by convincing everyone else around us, that she can convince us all inside. This is so wrong on so many levels. First of all, integration is HARD so not everyone can handle it, and it is a sensitive subject, because alters want to be respected for who they are as real people first. They don’t want to be dismissed immediately as some “flaw” that needs to be wiped away.  That’s what it feels like when you go to integration discussion. The first thought we all think is, “are you trying to say I’m not real and I don’t exist? Are you trying to say my feelings don’t matter? What’s wrong with me? Why do I have to go away?” These thoughts are real feelings and it is real hurt with real people inside a mind of a DID system.

Whether or not therapists mean to present it that way, it comes off that way as soon as they mention integrating. It is saying “oh, we can’t have all of you here.” For some reason, doctors and counselors cannot understand,  each identity is real and their own person, just as real as the body before them they are a part of. Also just as real as the experiences they each separately recollect.. You have to know they all are real, and they live life like anybody else. They aren’t imagination. It is, they are memories, emotions, and opinions created by experiences, all separate between them. All real. So “Jess” who has not been used to us interacting with her, cannot quite grasp on to the idea of more than one of us in here. She is certain she must have made this up and she can make this stop. She has tried to literally scream at us to “go away.”

“Jess” is the host that just found us. She has lived life not even knowing about the abuse. She has blank spots in her memory…She doesn’t even know who she is…She once had a name, it wasn’t Jess. But she had forgotten, at the point she became the host to deal with family gatherings, where our rapist brother would be. She was the one that pretended to be happy around family and our rapist, while the abuse went on, able to just suppress it and try to not care. Then after we told and he was sent away and brought back, it made things harder. She changed to survive. Her memory was wiped. She somehow cut off the connection to the rest of us, she forgot us.

Our brother was sent away for some mental health help in a boarding home for troubled boys, we were told. We were made to go to therapy with him, we don’t know why we needed to be convinced to not look at him like a rapist. We don’t get this at all. So, “Jess” had to have her memory wiped, I feel, or it would bring out the self destruction that we fought hard to keep down.

Now, having found us through meditation, and finding pieces of her horrifying past, it’s kind of sending her into a self destruct where she was once a very kind and supportive person. At first she was all gung-ho for studying psychology and figuring out how to help us through the abuse we told her, which she doesn’t remember. Then, after more and more was revealed to her with memories, she was wearing thin, pale faced (she can’t really easily talk with any of us except in deep concentration of meditation, we just send her memories mostly)

It used to be June, who was always the trouble maker. A fourteen year old “know-it-all” because she likes to read and question everything, who is shy until you trigger her some how. Then, it turns pretty much into a self-destructive senseless fit of insults and hateful words. June wants to punish herself for not being good enough and hides it with her lashing out trying to blame you. Now, we have “Jess” reacting negatively to people of different views too. Seems she is trying to get attention now. Almost like she is trying to sabotage us, too, because some of us can’t agree or open up to her.

Can you imagine what that is like, having someone inside you trying to bring down you and the whole damn ship? Right smack in the middle of the trip to Healing City, and you’re almost to paradise?

June just wants attention and wants to punish herself for not doing what she felt she should have done to protect us, and wants to push people away to protect us. We are getting progress with June, telling her it’s not her fault and she is a child, it wasn’t her responsibility to protect us. It was the responsibility of the adults in our life who didn’t. She is learning to be more trusting and work through her emotions instead of instant attack mode.

“Jess” is not as extreme in her actions as June, not any way as sarcastic, hysterical, and loud as June can get. Yet, she isn’t really that calm either. Well, she is now getting defensive when anyone points out that integration may not be necessary, or even possible. If anyone acts dismissive toward the idea, it’s like that’s HER trigger. She is even being argumentative with people who say they support you if its what you want, but integration isn’t for them. She doesn’t want us to talk to those people who can make us consider life can go on as a multiple just fine. She wants her way and is out to destroy anything that can lead us to thinking otherwise.

Oh help me, I have never come across something so complicated within my system here. I have no idea what to do. She has already tried to just blurt out about these “facts of integration” in situations that could trigger other survivors who have not come to a decision of integration.

We never knew that, as we all merge a bit, we would create a “new kind of monster.” Maybe this integration is too much to handle… “Jess” isn’t going to like this…. She has to learn she is just our Serendipity, our happy accident. She did the thing we couldn’t do, look our rapist in the eye and call him “brother.” She did what was too much, just too much to ask a child victim of rape. She was there in the presence of her abuser, and she had no idea of the abuse. I guess learning this is more than she could handle. I guess this is why we are all so separate. I am guessing, this is why certain parts cannot fuse..

I am also guessing, certain parts will fuse never. We were set up into this nicely organized system to protect ourselves. What makes us believe the parts who couldn’t handle it before, will suddenly be able to handle it now? They haven’t changed, stuck in the same reality that created them. You can say therapy is supposed to help that, but sometimes people are already set as the person they are. I am getting a vibe, that even if the ones who suffered the abuse can heal, they still don’t want any one else to suffer the knowledge they do. So they will choose to protect that knowledge in secret til we die.

I have already been blocked online by a few systems, and even kicked out of an online forum because her sabotaging behavior. Wish I could have had a chance to speak with them first about the problem she gave them, and let them know I will do what I can to hold our system accountable and try to repair this. I wish I could talk to each of these people to explain, this is self hatred and sabotage, and instead of asking why is she attacking, you could ask what is it she is afraid of? Maybe they could feel compassion, and understand this is a part stuck in an irrational reality and is crumbling…

This is dangerous.

How does one address the attack from inside?

I am Jey, I am the core. I have always watched everything. I know everything, I just experienced none of it. I used to be able to guide them all from a shadow in the background, but they became their own little monsters, as I say. I know everything, but only as a spectator, and I’m not telling what I know either. I kept it guarded while we are all in therapy and healing. I was waiting for the moment we were at a level to share what I know. With what I’ve seen, how “Jess” is being affected, I fear I am just going to keep this to myself always. Just I and the ones who experienced it will know, if we can’t reach a point that looks promising to survive the knowledge.

I separated myself from the beginning. I am without gender, without status, without anything to force me to stay in one box. I escaped the control of me by being nothing, I am nothing for you to control to be. If this part of us, this “Normal Jess,” cannot handle the truth that she just learned, I wonder if it would be something to make me crumble as well to now experience? Interesting thought to consider. I’m not saying I’m quitting this, just saying I don’t know. I’m just sort of here watching, waiting for something to happen…

I wish I could have some advice. I am tired of losing friends because of my DID. It was hard enough to lose the “regular” kind of friends, and now to be rejected possibly by the actually DID community is really hurtful and terrifying. I couldn’t figure out why that was so terrifying, seeing how it’s mostly just people online, and not people I know in face to face daily interaction. Our boyfriend helped sum it up easily. He said I am so hurt and afraid because these are only people who can possibly understand how it feels to go through what I go through and if they reject me, what have I left? I will feel so terribly alone then. It hurts too much. I am already afraid that if we do achieve integration, it means we lose our friends anyway. So many systems hate the idea….I become like a stigma, if I integrate.

Recovering more uncomfortable memories of sex abuse details but also recall having conversations w/ alters very young.

Working on connecting internally and gaining access to memories.

Here’s something new.

I remember dissociating at a very young age.

I remember having “out of body experiences” I somehow knew I could induce it.

I remember having conversations with others inside and making mutual decisions.

I know I was very young, I was still small enough to ride in the front of a shopping cart.

I remember this specific detail of a cart, because of an incident in my childhood where I had to use the bathroom at the grocery store and believed there was no bathroom to go to. I remember, I was already sexually abused at this time. I was already taught some masturbatory techniques. I was taught to hold urine to create pressure stimulation around clitoral area. I believe I was often forced to hold urine during my abuse. This was a way to try to coax me into feeling something “pleasurable” so I would be more willing to subject to the sexual abuse. I remember because of things taught by sexual abuse, I thought I was just supposed to do this, but do it in private and not tell anyone. I used to just try to pee a small amount so i could have room to hold it longer. Well, this incident, I ended up releasing the whole flow….from my seat in a cart, and it went all over the groceries we had not paid for yet.

My dad yanks me out of the cart and screams “Goddammit Jessica!” What happened? Well, secretly being sexually abused, I had some…unusual perceptions and incidents. I was some where taught that holding my urine was good and would feel good. So i always tried to hold it. Then I started having the pain in my childhood from the holding urine and sexual abuse (pain I didn’t get diagnosed until my 30’s as interstitial cystitis, “painful bladder syndrome.”) There were several different people inside my mind and we all were really aware of each other at this time. I remember feeling like nothing in the outside world was real. Only inside was real. I thought, how do I really know if anyone else is real because I can’t feel what they feel? I could feel what the others inside felt, when we connected. That was the only thing that felt real. I questioned if I stopped existing, would this world cease to exist? These were the thoughts of a child in kindergarten (if even, could been younger) We couldn’t connect to other people, we couldn’t all always be aware to have one common experience to understand the many people existing outside of us. I remember often times feeling like I was just floating in space, a ball of light without form and I was watching my life like a movie.

Talking within, there was only a couple of us talking at this time in the grocery store. What do we do now, as we feel the urge to pee? One likes the feeling of the pressure, another thinks it’s annoying, and another is afraid of it hurting bad like it has before. I am listening, trying to be a mediator and see everyone’s view, as I am “hosting” and I will ultimately take control to enact decision. Being a multiple as a child, the simplest self care things were not very simple. Had to have a discussion on everything and understand why we were doing it. Back and forth we consider that it doesn’t hurt yet so we will hold it. We couldn’t tell our dad for some reason because we feared him being angry that we needed to use the restroom. I think it’s because of my painful bladder syndrome I used the restroom frequently and it was always a hassle slowing everyone down. I think I used the restroom just recently and was afraid to make him angry asking again. Then we consider letting some out that would barely make a drip and we could hold it longer. As we were discussing urinating, I had already been dissociated and numb to the body, and at the point I was yanked out of the cart, it was another one of us fronting control and I was numb to the experience. I saw myself, outside myself. Someone else was talking. Someone else had me moving. Questioned about why I didn’t say anything about needing to use the bathroom, I/they had no answer. They looked down, blank faced, silent, while I watched on. They said they knew there was no bathroom, but dad said he could have taken us next door to a restaurant or gas station. We were just a kid, we didn’t even know this was an option. I hid in the shadows, as someone else struggled to keep up with our dad’s long legs angrily pacing. I watched on as someone else stood quiet but with a solemn face, and trying to cover the back of our light pink shorts that had a large darker pink area from the wetness. I felt myself in tears and agony, I saw this other in control stand there looking more together than I felt, sad but not distraught to my level. My dad I believe was next explaining to an associate what happened so the mess could be taken care of….I cannot remember after this…It fades to black. I remember leaving the store in a hurry, I can’t remember if it was with or without the peed on groceries but I feel like he still paid for them. I don’t remember the car ride home. I don’t remember walking inside the house or up into the bathroom with my mom who was getting ready to clean me up. I remember taking off the wet bottoms at home.. I don’t remember anything else after or in between having to do with this incident, such as if I received some sort of punishment for it or not (on top of the embarrassment and being screamed at in the store, I mean.)

This may seem like a lot of detail and information, but really it isn’t. Not even quite sure who is who in this story. It’s just one more in a small cluster of fragmented repressed memories I have recovered. It’s just a small chip of a very big iceberg. I’m just trying to use this to get things to make more sense. And one by one we find new puzzle pieces and our childhood and our adult life can one day make sense.

We have to stop here now. It is starting to go from slight psychical discomfort to some painful anxiety symptoms. And the head aches….oh yea the head aches are fun when we do this. I don’t understand why this has to be so hard. They keep telling me to slow down but if we go any slower I’m afraid I will miss my whole life.

Anyway, stay tuned for more fragments of childhood and life memories and stuff…

Things we’ve learned: List of little know *truths* about D.I.D. and multiples/plurals

This is a list we compiled, just off the top of our head, with information we’ve gathered across the net of some common but little known truths about D.I.D. systems and multiples/plurals

Things not widely known, but frequently mentioned by those who live it:

  • FACT: alters can be so very similar to each other, the only way to tell the difference may be in their memory recollection and how they emotionally react to stressors.
  • FACT: Sometimes the same name is used for more than one identity/self state. (Usually it’s the birth name more than once but doesn’t have to be.)
  • FACT: All humans have many identities and self states. Some just choose to go by one name. Having more than one name doesn’t make you a bad person, it only is how you express yourself. Sometimes other people give you those other names too (i.e. like nicknames for singlets) There is no reason to really have a problem with many names for different states of self, because we can see this practice of many names is not exclusive with “multiples.”
  • FACT: Some do not view themselves as having a disorder. You will find some just say they have “multiple personalities/identities/self states” or say they are a “multiple” or are a “plural” person. Majority of all also refer to themselves as a “system.”
  • FACT: Some feel there is only a “disorder” when identities cause disruption because they are too separated from each other, completely unable to connect, and there are moments of amnesia or “out-of-body” feelings. Otherwise, just living life in harmony, no disorder.
  • FACT: some people feel it’s important to not have a label of “disorder” that can be harmful to self-esteem and hinder growth. They want to celebrate that all of their system works together, always co-conscious. This is their right to define themselves and should be respected.
  • FACT: Though people have a right to not consider themselves disabled, we must respect that to some people, this is a disabling situation. Some people have different skills and others are at different levels of healing.
  • FACT: separate self states are closely related to traumatic events during early childhood developmental phases but it’s possible there are other causes.
  • FACT: More research must be done on the rise and development of completely separate self states, and how many people learn to live with it naturally.
  • FACT Research is not lacking availability of subjects to test (i.e DID isn’t as “rare” as you think) it is merely lacking funding.
  • FACT: Some systems switch several times a day, so fluidly they go completely unnoticed.
  • FACT: You could ALREADY know a system, yourself. They could be a neighbor, classmate, teacher, doctor, family member, coach…We can be anything. We are just people living life just like everyone else.
  • FACT: Many are too afraid to “come out multiple” because of stigma and fear.(Appreciate & honor their trust, if you made them feel safe enough to share with you)
  • FACT: People *without* DID are more likely to commit crimes than people with DID. People with DID are too busy trying to schedule their life. Not much time for anything else, ha! People with DID have higher levels of anxiety or depression, we’re too hopeless and afraid to try anything. 😉
  • FACT: Many people with DID have been victims of violent crimes. Victims of violent crimes are more likely to become future victims than future perpetrators.
  • FACT: People with DID are not perfect and can get minor criminal offenses sometimes, but no more than anyone else can.
  • FACT: some people are functioning well with many separate self states, having a cooperative system by their own effort and with limited, very little, or completely without the assistance of therapy.
  • FACT: You can have DID and never have committed any crime ever, never have been violent ever, actually be a very successful person, actually be a good person,  and even go to college and start your own charity if you wanted. 🙂 The possibilities are as endless as they are for the rest of the general population. Because it’s true, we are just living life like everyone else. Good or bad is judged by character and merit with us just like it is with any other person in the world you meet.

…Well….that’s about all we got for now….

If we think of any more, we will update!

If you have any suggestions or comments about my list, please share below! I’ll edit it for any new ideas I haven’t included or stumbled on yet.

What’s in a name? What’s integration but cooperation? Acceptance is key to a healthy harmonious system of selves.

Integrating my selves is a painful experience. In the past, I’ve had some of us in here integrated, the number of us shrinking, but in the end I see we all are still there. We can feel each other. We are thinking and talking simultaneously. That is integration, to me. Then there is a final decision of do we stay a “We” or shall we take a singular ownership of “I.” From my own view, either choice is acceptable. If all of you are internally connected and accepting it’s all happening to you, then balance and awareness is achieved. If you have this awareness but you love who you are, then why should you change your names? Maybe it helps you keep your life organized to stay as a team.

I don’t know if there is a secret to permanent integration, because I can’t seem to reach it. We keep breaking apart. I get so close, and then a catastrophe hits….sometimes it hurts to be so many emotions all at once… Sometimes we just need to protect ourselves and separate ourselves. Everyone needs a  moment to escape reality. Anyone can understand. We all fall down sometimes. We all have moments of weakness where we need help. I hope you can see that we are not that different. I may have some more extreme reactions or some extra stressors you don’t deal with, but you can have an idea of how it feels to be me if you think about it. You can know how we feel and also know that if you can be okay, we can be okay after we calm down. This is the sort of empathy we need to help us with our healing, especially on a path toward integration.

On another level, we need to be heard about how we live life feeling fulfilled, despite being not fully “integrated,” and despite psychology’s refusal to acknowledge us. We need acknowledgement that we have an understanding of ourselves in a different way than science does. We want fair representation, from the mouths of those who live this life. We don’t feel like our “multiplicity” is any different than anyone else, just because we choose to identify each one in here separately. I feel that is a choice we should be allowed to make. I feel it doesn’t hurt anyone, so as long as constant presence of all parts exist, do we need to squabble over someone’s choice of what to be called? When you are a high functioning system that is not integrated, your life is not lived any different than a system integrated or the average population commonly considered “singleton.” If there is no harm to keeping names for each person in the system even if they all feel fused, why argue a person about their choice? I cannot see the point in denying someone their autonomy to choose their own way of identifying themselves. In fact, that is probably more likely harmful to a being’s psyche. Where they find acceptance and pride, you are trying to bring self hate, self doubt, and maybe even shame, just because they want their selves clearly represented. I see a problem with that, not the names.

There is no harm in keeping the “we” in you. We all know that we do need cooperation and co-consciousness to be a healthy system, and whether we say “I” or “we” doesn’t change the cooperation of all selves. Sometimes we don’t feel like a team or we squabble over a feeling of lack of representation. I suggest picking a name to replace the birth name for a representation of the system instead. I see a lot of people naming their systems, but I’m talking about doing this permanently. This is a name you all agree on and feel can equally be an accepted name for the group as a whole.

Naming the system I think is a very helpful tool in healing and acceptance. This makes everyone feel as a team or family, helps you feel like comrades united, and this acceptance is important to get the system to work together in harmony. Harmony that sometimes leads to a full integration where we identify as “I” or a harmony that just means accepting “we” are also “I” but choosing to respectfully identify and keep each individual unique identity. Its all about respect. Not trying to make drama about it.

[Oh yea, not Jess, by the way. I am Jey. I know a thing or two about self identity and how it feels to be wrongly labeled. I am genderless, genderqueer if you will, and on the asexual spectrum I am but I’m more complicated than that too, I just don’t feel like going into it now. My preferred pronouns are “they/them” but I will also accept “Sir.” 🙂 Hope I get kind understanding for my post] 

Internal dialog, internal conflict and arguments with selves with D.I.D… We are all very real, very different. Very opinionated

I’ve been thinking about our therapy and integration…and here’s the thing….I can’t imagine us existing any differently than we do. I mean, I feel some of y’all will never see the bright side as much as I can. I see some times you are afraid of excitement which I crave. I feel it is sort of “normal” to be this way. Instead of us splitting in the embryo physically, could we have just split *consciously*? So, in essence, my mother gave birth to multiples without knowing. And here we are!

But what about the correlation between child abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, domestic violence, and dissociative identity disorder? Can we ignore such strong points for cause?

Well, we can see the correlation between DID and child abuse, but we also see many children do not develop DID. So what’s the difference between the kids that do and the ones that don’t? There has to be something we are missing…

Here’s a thought, WHAT IF it just so happens that a lot of “naturally born multiples” exist so they are equally mixed in with the non-multiples who are victims? Maybe because we are more common than anyone knows, we can even show up a lot in abuse cases as a decent sized number within the general public.

So…what are you saying? How did we become multiples then?

Well, I’m saying we don’t really have that answer yet. It could be though, that we are already born multiples and the abuse caused us to dissociate our awareness of each other. So, a “dissociative identity disorder” would still be an accurate statement if we identities can’t connect. Instead of integrating as one identity, though, its just healing to be the many you were meant to be.

……….(sighing and silence)……..

…Huh. Some perplexing things to think about. My head hurts. I’m done.

So ends the discussion in our head. I am Dissociative Jess and I have been taking the “minutes” of this “meeting.” Ha-ha! This is a collection of a conversation going on inside our mind here. This is several alters talking to each other as I’m just listening in. It has been happening on and off all day, hearing their opinions.

Here I have not “switched” each time anyone was speaking, it was not like each alter was typing here. I am the one typing, merely documenting the separate conversations that go on inside my head. This was going so fast, I couldn’t quite catch for sure who it was discussing. That’s why I merely used different colors to denote another alter identity speaking. If I am able to pull the information later, get some cooperation, then I will edit with names correlating to colors at the end here.

This is how separate we are, how much it’s intrusive and beyond my control, how apart from me it is. I can’t always know who it is speaking. I just know it’s not me. We are so separate, they all can speak at once and it would be just as hard to understand as a group physically in front of you. Just a lot of noise with people talking over one another. I am documenting this to help people understand the differences between us. I am documenting examples of conflict or differences of opinions.

Over all, I am documenting this to show how real my situation is as a “multiple.” This is a very real experience for me. I am writing this on a notepad as it happened and then I’m transferring it to my blog. This is so you know, I’m not just waiting for an audience so I can “act a part.” This happens when I’m alone or with people (and often it goes unnoticed when I’m talking inside my mind but people have mentioned my “blank stare” or not hearing them), and this is my reality. It’s just time that the world of psychology as well as the general population start paying attention to us as a reality. Stop trying to “dissociate our existence” away because YOU can’t handle it.

We’re learning to deal with denial of our existence too, but it makes sense why we would. It doesn’t make sense why we can’t get help or research. Okay psychology….Don’t let bruised egos and closed minds interfere with the study of a real psychological phenomenon largely mysterious because of ignorance and misunderstood.

We all are real, and until we do more research we cannot understand how we got here. Until we understand what we are, we cannot live in control of our lives. Until the world knows about us and understands us, they cannot stop living afraid of us or threatened by us. Until the world understands, we cannot stop being afraid of the world either.

Time to see real people in real need for help. The how’s and why’s are not so important. Even among us internally, even among the outward community of multiples, there is discourse over how and what we are, and we need to move beyond it. The reasons of how and why even could be different in a case by case basis but we don’t even have ONE case to start with. We don’t know for sure, we just all have our strong beliefs on it. I just don’t feel it’s very responsible of the medical and scientific community to leave a group of struggling individuals left alone to make guesses about what they are. One thing we do know for sure: For some reason there are individuals struggling to be present, know all of themselves, and be in control of their reality. That is real no matter what, and this needs attention and acknowledgement by the psychology community once and for all.

Do your job and study the minds that need understanding. Hear us speak up now. Or hear us roar. We won’t be ignored. This part here is not Jess writing anymore. As she’d say, she “switched.” I picked a new color to follow her pattern here… I am called Justice. I am sent here by divine power to stand up for what’s right, once and for all. I am Jess’ true Guardian Angel.

Dear Normal Jess, it’s okay. We understand you’re overwhelmed…but we may not be ABLE TO integrate

We are so very different. I know this isn’t what some alters want to hear, but we need to discuss the integration. Some turbulence internally and no one externally can understand. A constant delegation is going on inside our mind. Have you noticed how much easier it is getting for us to communicate? Compared to a time we didn’t know so many of us existed?

This better internal communication is another step closer to co-conscious balance and possibly integration. There is just this one teeny tiny problem with integration….

It’s all just so uncomfortable. Some of it so horrific and I don’t know how strong any of us really are any more. I know in time we can heal this. We can stop our suffering of reliving our past trauma. Yet, it seems like we may just not be able to integrate. We can learn about each other, accept each other. Yet, some of us don’t want to have to feel what some others feel. Some of us don’t want others to feel what we feel, either. Some of us feel our privacy is important to us and others feel we need to protect the weaker individuals.

I know, I see you there Normal Jess, who wants her “normal life.” She has been working so hard to get us all to work together. Some of the other main alters help this along too (Suzy, Morrighan, Erzsebet, June, Jess #2, mostly are the ones I speak of who actively engaged in therapy and trying to build better internal communication. As well as myself, Jey). Now as some integration begins, we all begin to be affected by each other’s emotions, physical pains, and memories. Now Normal Jess is overwhelmed with all this which seems to be coming out in frustration, and she has hit a wall of some of us rejecting this union. She has screamed out in frustration (as any can see in the post previous to this one about integration and we know who wrote it). She is tired. She doesn’t want this discomfort anymore. She wants us to integrate by realizing we ALREADY ARE “integrated” in one sense and can never be separate. Normal Jess, you are becoming frustrated that interacting with other people with D.I.D who don’t want integration seems to have some of us in here get the idea that they don’t really like integration too. Normal Jess has feelings, and she is scared that we will never unite. She wants to vent and scream at people she feels are a threat to her healing.

Normal Jess vented, and she is now having to deal with some very upset people, inside and out. She blames other people for putting the idea out there for the others to consider, but it’s not their fault, the idea already existed to stay separate. Some of the others can be integrated, but there a few strong, independent others that just won’t.

Normal Jess you are right about the fact that we all are the same person. However, the different compartments of conscious awareness makes us also our own separate person, individually, respectively. We can sometimes connect, but many time we cannot. For some of us, we have lived so separate with such opposite experiences, we can’t make sense of integration even if we tried.

We may just not be able to integrate…..and that should be okay. Now, how to calm the frustrated selves? How to get them to understand it’s okay? How to correct the confrontational frustration you feel, Normal Jess?

Well, first we will try this simple trick: We will just say, Hey, we are okay and it’s okay.

Once we know that for ourselves then this shouldn’t really feel bad anymore, the fact that we are separate and not integrated. When there are no bad feelings, we all can experience balance and co-consciousness so non of us feel ignored or left out ever.

Nobody really wants to feel like they only live half their life. So when we see ourselves as a team, working together, we all can be living our lives together. We have lived for so long so separate, and we have developed our own memories and opinions and emotions.

I know you feel that once co-consciousness is achieved that integration should naturally take place. You don’t see, there is a difference between being able to communicate easily to share information, and actually sharing experiences.

What are we, but the sum of our experiences?

Some splits occur because some people just can’t handle some experiences.

If they couldn’t handle it before and they are still the same, then wouldn’t it still be too much for them? Maybe you can help them, but you still must consider, maybe some others can’t handle some things. Ever. 

Each part can be see as having separate experiences, separate lives & separate memories, creating separate people in one person. That is all we are really asking for, that is all we want you to acknowledge. All the other details are trivial. The point is, you must know how to interact with each person of a team of persons. Just like people in separate bodies are different at times and you have to treat two people differently, same goes for the many of us in one body.

Some of us are so complex and separate, we just may have become so different that it feels impossible to integrate. One of us never being able to understand another.

That is okay.

What matters is we live life to the best of our ability. What matters is we use our best abilities to live life!

Being a multiple just may be a simple brain trait like many others that make people unique, and is just how some brains have learned to function in the developmental stages that had trauma occur…Those stages are how your brain learns to keep you alive and keep you moving forward. This was self defense mechanism you developed. It must have been necessary to keep you alive when you couldn’t mentally handle the trauma. Knowing you can’t handle your trauma, you must understand that you may ONLY be able to survive in this manner your brain was programmed to survive in the first place.

And this is okay.

This is a start of our communication internally about being okay with staying a team.

We will never go away if we integrate, we believe you Normal Jess.

We just don’t think we can handle all the trauma.

Not only mentally too much, but physically too much also. We will recover even painful experiences and basically “live through” the experience so we can fully experience it. Integration is integration of all experiences and some alters still stuck in trauma time will have those painful experiences to share.

The best option can be to help those alters suffering get therapy and healing they need. We can help them heal, even if we can’t handle sharing the experience.

It’s okay that we did this to survive, because look at us surviving!

I hope such confrontational alters hear us who are showing kindness.

We only want to talk…..

We only want to be heard…

We only want to listen…

We only want us all to heal.

We all know we are “Jessica.”

I am aware of every part and can connect with them all. I know we are the same.

Do you hear me Normal Jess? You are not alone in understanding we are all Jess.

I call myself Jey because I accept my birth name and this is my choice as *technically* an acceptable variation of my birth name, Jessica. This is represents not only who I am as a “they/them” pronoun preference for genderless/genderqueer/queer, but can also sum us all up by choosing to be elusive with gender. I am happier this way. Everyone feels happy when they notice something that they connect with in our outward appearance. I usually find a good balance to please most and sometimes, we let others take a day to express more of themselves, too.

Anyway…

You should know…I am “the real Jess.” Though none of you are less real. I just have a piece of you all in me and I am just a sort of neutral ground.

I am the core. I was the first and I hid from the horror..

So it began, the “splitting.”

I hid. I’ve been watching. I spoke but it was too much so I hid again.

I’m not hiding any more.

I felt I caused the splitting to go so far because I was weak and I felt guilty.

Now I’m starting to see it was the best thing to ever happen to me.

To all of me, all of “me’s.”

This is how we survive.

WE SURVIVE.

So, we are okay. 

 

 

Flashback-A few innocent words portray sick twisted reality. I wouldn’t read this if weak stomach

The memories are hitting me again.

Flashbacks. So horrible.

I am just sitting here. They are all talking. Someone wants to be head.

Then I get these flashbacks. I say more like I’m bombarded with the information and memories the others are trying to share.

It’s sick, he was talking like a kid, talking so casual, like this was normal.

I felt nothing. I didn’t know who I was. This must have been dissociation.

The things he used to say…

(don’t look.)

“Let’s go do what mommies and daddies do to show they love each other.”

“it won’t hurt. It just feels like poop going up your butt…”

“Which way do you want it? In the butt or the vagina?”

He made me choose. Can you believe that?

No, I don’t think my parents know what really happened, or how bad it was..

I remember hiding in the attic. He jerked open the door and he found me right away.

Grabbed me by my hair. I screamed. He drug me into the bedroom.

I was 7 years old.

Two other brothers, in between the age of myself and the one hurting me, just sat downstairs. Just watched TV. Unless they were outside the bedroom door and he would hear them. He would chase them, threaten them. I don’t know what happened. I stood there in the room. Shocked. Frozen. Robotic. I awaited for the return of my rapist. After doing whatever he did to ensure fear so they neither come back or tell about it, he returns. He shuts the door.

I remember the door slam startled me.

No way could my parents could have known how he terrified me or them.

Or, surely they’d hate him. They’d know he wasn’t worth protecting.

They say he was a “troubled boy.” They say he “did his time.” My mother said that.

I say, he did no time. He conned you.

He controlled and destroyed me.

The youngest parts of me reveal.

We used to make “mansions” and “houses” for the cats out of piles of cardboard boxes.

I was small enough or it was big enough to fit me in one.

My half brother spent twenty minutes looking for me.

He finally found me.

Opened the little door and saw my feet.

He grabbed me by the ankles and drug me out.

I was 7 years old.

He was 15.

This was not the first time.

These two times within days of each other.

This was the last year before I finally had to tell.

I was 8 years old when I told.

I was beginning to realize I needed to fight this.

I just didn’t know how yet.

I remember when I told, but not what happened after.

I don’t know what I told you, mother. Maybe you didn’t know it all?

No. You knew. You know. And you pretended it could be okay.

You told me to keep his secret. I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone.

You told me to protect him.

You told me to protect my “brother.”

You told me to forgive my “brother.”

“Brother” is a lie.

You told me to protect my RAPIST.

You told me to forgive my RAPIST.

You told me to go on living like it never happened.

You told me to forget about it.

You call yourself  my mother.

We are all screaming for “Mother.”

You are not there for us…

(Enters in Eva Marie)

“I will care for you, small ones. I will keep you safe, my dears. There is no sorrow here. I hear you, I see your tears. Let me show you I love you. Let us all see love doesn’t hurt.”

(enters the children)

(embrace)

*SNAP* I’m back in reality. I survived the flashback.

I started writing as it was hitting me before I was lost to it completely. Typing can help keep me grounded.

This is how we heal ourselves. One of many techniques. You have to utilize many and all of whatever you can learn. It’s a tricky business, dissociation.

I seem to have this gift. At a very young age, I first learned to control my nightmares and turn them into dreams. Then I learned of visualization. Then, we discovered guided meditation. We did this all on our own. We found each other on our own. We needed more information to know what we really were. It took some time, but we finally got it. Someone listened.

I found my way back. I fight through the flashbacks. It hurts. It hurts so much i don’t even like myself. I don’t value myself. Not for a very long time after this happens. I want to destroy myself. I don’t think I can correct my negative behavior, such as negatively thinking I cannot correct my behavior. Maybe I am a monster…..But not by choice.

Tell me, are you afraid? Imagine how afraid I was….

…I am afraid still. I just don’t know it yet. The others, they know….

Integration is painful.

Yet, I have no choice. I can’t stop this now.

They say I’m strong. I’ve VERY strong, they say.

Ha, we will see.

Am I a monster? Is this going to be the death of me?

I feel like it already happened, my life is over.

Am I a zombie back from the dead?

Trigger Warning- I’m pro-integration and anti-multiplicity. The others disagree. They call me “Normal Jess”

As we’ve come to find out, more than one has hosted as “Jess.” This gets more interesting to me, by the second. Who am I, you ask?

They call me “Normal Jess.” They, the others, my alter identities. I knew not of my alters until I accidentally found them in meditation. I knew nothing of my abuse and just was living my life until I found them. Now I am trying to make sense of what psychology is trying to explain and explain it back to my other parts. I’m trying to reconnect us all.

I’m about to say something that is going to anger every single multiple out there including parts of us

But i feel it needs to be said…And explained. I’m not good at explaining, I’m also still learning, so I keep trying until i get it right.

There is one issue I have trying to explain the most, and it is all this:
We are not multiples.

We are the dividen, divisor, and quotient.

Now let me ask you why you believe there are more than one individuals that exist, when clearly physically they amass one creature? One being. One.

Let me tell you a couple secrets…

EVERYONE HAS MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES/IDENTITIES.

EVERYONE has a voice inside that screams something opposite of what they want to do.

EVERYONE has feelings/thoughts/parts of themselves inside they dislike as much as like.

EVERYONE changes how they act in different situations, from mundane to extreme.

EVERYONE has hidden sides of themselves that only come out in certain situations.

Yet they know, each switch that happens is them doing it. They know, no matter if parts of them pull them in a million different directions, they have to look at their life as a whole. They have to pick the path that is most satisfying as well as most functional. They make a decision on how to best live their life and they only have to think about what they want and their feelings don’t get hurt by their own inner thoughts. Which is the opposite with DID.

Having dissociative identity disorder should not be equated to a subculture lifestyle of *choice*. If it’s a subculture, it’s one based on helping each other and learning how to live. This is not the same as being gay, deaf, or transgender (although some with DID may have parts that ARE gay, deaf, or transgender, respectively). This is about the function of the brain with memory and perception. This is not a choice, not a “feeling.” This is not mobility or hearing or sexuality or gender, all of which do not affect knowledge or perception, or self control. Dissociation does affect these things. Your brain didn’t have to be this way, DOESN’T have to be this way, but it was the only way you could survive something traumatic during some key developmental stages.

Some try to say that they are naturally born this way without any trauma. I tell you, you will never be able to prove that. Big secret, but much of DID is repressed memories and if you can’t handle them, they will never come to the front of your conscious awareness. That’s okay, that doesn’t make you a bad person. It just is the fact of aftermath after abuse. Another big secret is, family who work hard to hide the trauma will never tell you the truth about if it happened. Last big secret, sometimes abusers actually never get caught or even exposed. So if you can’t remember, and the only other person who knows is either family member in denial or covering up, or the abuser (and THEY aren’t admitting it) how can you ever find? Not out without recovering painful memories. You may never be able to ever come close to recovering them but I don’t believe that’s exactly necessary to heal. The only problem in your ability to heal is believing you were meant to be this way.

Really, no one can know if this can happen without trauma unless they studied billions of babies from birth until they grew up to find out if they have “naturally” without stressors become a “multiple.” That will never happen. Not enough time or resources. However, do you know what we DO know? What is it we CAN prove? What DO we have an explanation for? Extreme trauma will cause the brain to do what it can to survive. If you can’t escape physically, the brain has it set up so you can escape mentally. Dissociation is one of many ways the brain helps reduce suffering in dead end situations. Another is the “freeze” mechanism of flight-fight-freeze. I guess freezing is what will help make it less painful, help dying be less of a painful struggle, I suppose like making you numb. The brain’s job is to keep you alive, and if it can’t, then it’s job is to ease your suffering. Hence, the dissociation. Hence the ability to be “so good at daydreaming” you can forget you are even suffering. Everyone has the ability to dissociate as a way to deal with some things, like boredom or driving a long time. Everyone can be sort of “detached” from reality while reading a book or watching TV. Dissociation is not what makes you unique. Even without dissociation you can be the same unique awesome person you are. As one name, always aware, always in control. Dissociation becomes a disorder when it disrupts your life and you have no control over it or you do it too often. Too quickly before you can assess the situation, you are knocked into the back of your mind. You’ve been triggered, you’ve switched. You may not remember what happens after. Or you may know, but didn’t “feel” like it was happening to you, like you were watching a movie. You are not connected.

Every person has different parts for different situations. Sometimes they have to do what part of them doesn’t want to do. Yet, never will they black out and give in to that part that wants to do what it wants to do. For they will always remember the rest of the facts. Say, you want to quit a job but can’t afford to. Those of us with DID could have the part that hates working not know the facts about how detrimental not working is, and that part will make the move to quit. Those of us with DID can then say “that person” did it, “not me.” This is true to an extent. That part is a person, yet that person is a part of you. You cannot be separated. Therefore, everything you do, they do and vice versa. People who are actually separate people have no access to emotions or pain that other people feel, but you all can feel each other’s pain. Empathy is the closest you get from anyone else. It was you, but it was a different you, not connected to all of your feelings and experiences. It was you but an identity whom if only had had access to all of your complex beautiful brain, would have acted differently.

What are we, but the sum of our experiences, memory, and knowledge? If at anytime someone took away any of it, it would change who you are. A big life changing event that never happens will never change your life. Or a new event may mark a new view of life. Amnesia is a real thing. Just like Alzheimer’s. Yet we don’t say these people are “becoming different people” who are “replacing” the old person. We don’t say, well guess they need a new name because they are acting different. Nope. They are still the same person who are now acting differently, due to their situation affecting them and their memory and awareness. It’s that same way with D.I.D.

You are not special. You are not different. You are just surviving in a creative different way.

You have to understand, the only difference between you and other people without D.I.D. is this:

They are connected to every identity, every memory, inside themselves. They own all their experiences, good and bad. They don’t need to be called by different names because there is nothing separate.

People with D.I.D. are NOT connected with every identity, not knowledgeable of every memory. People with D.I.D. do NOT own all their experiences, whether good or bad. People with D.I.D. actually need to be called different names to keep track of what’s going on because everything is separate.
The goal of every multiple is to get a balance with each other, and to always be connected at all times.

If that is not the goal, then that is very detrimental to you. That is self destructive behavior.

Sometimes I’m starting to feel like dissociation is addicting and people need rehab like with drugs and alcohol to learn that they can live a full happy life — a BETTER and HEALTHIER LIFE — without giving in to the addiction.

Nobody should have to live only half their life.

Nobody should have to unwillingly suffer consequences of things their body does unbeknownst to them.

Nobody should have to sit there and feel lifeless watching somebody else living life with THEIR BODY.

I see that as abusive and traumatic, like not really living. I don’t know why others don’t.

Once the co-conscious awareness takes place, I feel integration should naturally happen.

You all can see, hear, feel, taste, touch, all at the same time.

What’s the need for a separate name? People outside can only see one of you. No matter how you cut your hair or do makeup or no makeup or how you dress, they will see the same body. You can’t change that. Everything that any of you do, is all done TOGETHER, no matter how much you try to deny that.

You all make a decision and then the brain that you all are a part of controls the body to speak and move. It is not just one of you speaking or moving. It is just one brain controlling all that, and it is a complex brain with many fascinating parts. It is all of you, with your one voice. Because you are one body. One person.

Next thing, we don’t get to pick our names, our parents do. Why do people with D.I.D. get a special privilege? If you want to be called by a different name, it is just a nickname and it is not your legal name. Nobody has to call you that. However, until you integrate, it’s helpful in understanding yourself and so others can learn about you and categorize all your conscious states of awareness. This separation allows you to heal when you can organize it. I do know many people have prefered nicknames to go by, which most friends are respectful of. So to ignore your request to be known as that, is a rude thing of other people to do if they care about you and being part of your life. So don’t think I’m trying to say you don’t have a right to be called the names you wish to be called. I’m just saying, you also don’t have a right to be offended when you are called your legal given name, even if it’s family doing it and especially by strangers or in professional/non personal situations. I’m only speaking the truth, you cannot deny your birth name. Legally, it’s bound to you unless you legally change it. Which, I will get to that more.

Basically, all of your names are simply titles for categories of one person. Utilize them, so you and other people can file them and search the files, and add into the files as you gather more information. And when any other people want to know exactly how to approach you for the set of memories and experiences you currently express, they can open up that “file” on you by it’s title and know exactly what they’re dealing with.

I don’t know why it is seen a negative thing to be called a part of a person, or a different identity of one person. Why is it negative to say you are someone who’s just got a limited memory and amnesia of some facts caused by a trigger? Yes, contrary to how some feel, truly it is a limited memory if you cannot know AND feel what you do at all times. Sure, you may know what happens, but it doesn’t “feel” like it’s happening to you. Well, news flash, even if you are asleep, what happens to your body still happens to you. So just because you are numb and can’t consciously feel it, doesn’t mean it’s happening to somebody else. You are not a separate person. It simply means your identity fronting is the only part that knows the whole story. If you work on it, you can connect to that experience and feel it just as the day it happened TO YOU (yes, it happened to YOU). If you were separate people, that would not be possible. I guess we need to go over what exactly a “person” is. I guess many seem to feel person has nothing to do with the physical body. Yet, it literally is that too. I don’t get how we try to say we are more than one when logically there is only one person standing here physically. It sounds–not meant in any mean way I swear–but it sounds….delusional. You know, to deny the physical reality exists. I mean, even transgendered people know logically what their physical sex is in contrast to our gender. Just saying….And I’m not trying to be rude. I’m just being honest with such an uncomfortable subject.

I hope you know I’m accepting of people who are not integrated. We are not integrated yet, if we EVEN CAN integrate. It be silly of us to judge. You may not be able to connect fully, and that is okay, we know. I just want to stop people from encouraging people to be very self destructive by encouraging living life separately by choice. It results in having yourself partially unaware of your life. That is the only negative thing I can say about being a “part of a whole person.” It is my belief that the only ones putting a negative spin on being a “part” or a different identity, are the people suffering from D.I.D. themselves. So it’s like the actual community is helping to portray shame upon itself, as we fight the stigma in daily life from those outside the D.I.D. community.

I’m not going to stop saying this until it’s understood. WE are the only ones making this “negative.” Doctors don’t say we are bad for being a part or an identity. They find us fascinating, and just want us to be ALL of our identities, loving ourselves, not denying ourselves any of our life.

Am I making sense?

Is this coming across unfriendly or negative to you? I don’t mean it to…

Until I find a way to get the others to understand, I’ll keep rewording it.

Love every single part. Love every single person. Love every single YOU.

Learn who “you” actually ARE. Be you, without shame, without fear. Be in control at all times.

That is what I want for each and every one of us with D.I.D.

Integration is natural. Separation is not. Separation is only as natural as a self defense mechanism is.

Saying something isn’t naturally occurring IS IN NO WAY A NEGATIVE THING. If you see that then it is only YOU that is implying it. You are the cause of your own suffering. Be proud of yourself as a whole being with many amazing multifaceted complex functions of a beautiful human brain.
You may feel you must stay separate, then you still must help that part that suffers to heal. I believe in due time, if you actually help that part to heal, then it won’t have to be so separate. If no part of you suffers (as some claim they never suffered any trauma) then you still have to learn how to be aware of each other at ALL TIMES. You still have to learn how to communicate like most human brains do, quickly and easily between each identity and emotion. You still have to figure out how to balance life between all of you.

In either situation, you only need one name externally. I know some people may not want the birth name, seeing it unfair because they may see it as belonging to a specific part/alter/identity/person/whoever. If you want, pick a name all of you like to represent the new complete you and change it to that. A name like no other before, and all of you agree upon. Having different names inside may help you with visualization and healing, and coping. Having separate names outside is chaotic, confusing, and unnecessary in the external world. Really quite more complication. Ha! Do those of us with many of us NEED any more complications?

I understand some of us with D.I.D. cannot handle what happened. I understand, some may never integrate. It’s great when you still achieve balance and can live your life with people who don’t judge you and can remember all of your parts/names, recognizing when they are there, and respectfully addressing each by their respective names. You deserve respect and are not less than anyone. Happiness is the only goal.

I also understand some willingly choose to not to connect all their parts. Which to me says, “I’m willing to let someone else live my life for me, my body is just a vessel without a soul, worth as much as any machine, and you can do what you want with it.” To me, that’s kind of scary and may even be you unconsciously repeating abuse like what caused your D.I.D. By that I mean, you were treated just like this, an empty vessel to be controlled, and here you are, continuing to consider yourself just as that. When are you going to realize you and your body are the same thing? You only have one body. You only are one person.

When I say that if you all are aware you must only be one person, you can tell me “it’s called being ‘co-conscious'” but that really is just the same as integration with you simply in denial that integration is possible. That is you acknowledging all you do at all times and STILL being in denial that YOU did those things and had complete control over it.

I’m raising awareness for “awareness.” That’s all I’m doing. I care that people are suffering and nobody is giving out this helpful knowledge to encourage understanding of oneself and being one. Nobody in the D.I.D. side of the equation, anyway. It’s all over the psychologist’s side, but you cannot dare utter this to one of us “multiples” because we will say you are rude, ignorant, and disrespectful, spitting all over you as we walk out the door in disgust.

Well I’m not an ignorant psychologist. I am a suffering patient. I am an intelligent person who reads.

I can KNOW EVERYTHING THEY KNOW….
AND EVERYTHING THEY DON’T.

Because I have dissociated identities, I can understand what they are. I want to encourage more of us to do this. To formally educate ourselves. It’s like reverse research. I’m trying to understand them “singletons” as much as they are trying to understand us “multiples!” Haha!

I hope my point is made nicely and not met with aggression. Though I’m quite sure it will be misinterpreted and get me at least one or two angry backlash…

Bring on the debates. I welcome it without fear or anger. If I am wrong, then help me learn. That’s what I’m trying to do, learn. So far though, I find nobody can grasp what I am saying with a calm rational mind, too busy blinded by anger of how I dare even suggest that we are one person and not special or unique. Yes….how dare I care to help other people get control of their life and accept and love themselves. How. Dare. I.

 

**************EDIT: 1/31/2017***********

There have been later blogs where you will hear opposite to this point of view. It happens as all of us alter identities who are mature enough will discuss our own different point of views. We have debated this many times amongst ourselves.

Please remember, each blog only represents who is writing it, and we all are very different. There are 16 identities outside of 3 different “hosts” who go by “Jess” and have different knowledge and memories.

Please do not react to this whole system over a feeling one of us made you feel. We only ask that you get to know us and help us see all find common ground and end stigma.

No publicity is bad publicity. I’m using the release of a movie that puts D.I.D. in a negative light as an opportunity to shine a positive light and raise awareness.

I talked about this before but I’m going more into detail here.

Some of you have heard about a new movie coming out called “Split.” As you may be able to guess (especially since you are reading my blog) this is about someone with “split personalities,” i.e. Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Oh, but this is not in a good way portrayed. The genre is horror. The villain, a freakish DID culprit with frightening sadistic tendencies, kidnapping innocent attractive young girls for no apparent reason. Whereas I’m not going to deny that someone with DID could be a sociopath, I’m going to tell you good f*cking luck finding one in reality as of yet.

People with DID were victims. The people that did this to us are the monsters. We are the ones that need to be afraid of other people…..Other people who are ignorant can have serious detrimental effects on our lives because of misunderstanding and ignorance. Myself, for example, was sent to jail when I actually had a dissociative episode and I tried to explain it but they didn’t understand or do anything to help. I wrongly had an arrest when I needed to go to a mental health institution. They would not let my husband bring me meds but their psychiatrist never saw me for  several days and I was locked in solitary confinement, worsening all my worst symptoms. Another incident, I had my child taken from me when I was manipulated under dissociative episodes by my own husband (now ex) and mother-in-law. For no reason except they wanted me out and away from her. Their fuel to the fire was the mainstream information that was portrayed in movies and other media. They had some idea that I was going to “kidnap” my child and/or attack people. I’ve never shown ANY sign of violence. I’ve only ever defended myself. So, for this way of thinking, the type of fear that that this “Split” movie portrays, is the reason I don’t have my child today. Then, you see why I take a personal cause to speak up during the release of this movie.

IT AFFECTS ME.

What if my family and friends see this movie after knowing I have this diagnosis? What if they reject me based of this horrible portrayal? Needlessly fearing me, instead of judging me on my own actions and merit.

IT AFFECTS INNOCENT CHILDREN

Many children ripped away from parents because of misunderstanding of D.I.D.. Just like my child, who’s loving mother only needed support to heal, but was abused and ripped away from her. Even with the ones not taken, what will these children wrongly think of their parents if they hear of this movie? Children need to identify with their parents, so how do you think this can affect their emotions, self esteem, and opinion of themselves?

IT AFFECTS FUTURE PATIENTS DIAGNOSED

As a patient diagnosed, I was a little afraid of my diagnosis, too. If this is all we with D.I.D. know, it can have detrimental effects on our healing progress. In the beginning, I didn’t even know anything much more than the negative and it was scary to me. Until I educated myself. Until I found a counselor who was even educated on my disorder. This kind of suffering and self hate should not happen and it is unfair that people even get retraumatized by this negative portrayal. It’s so hard to understand yourself, and even harder to get other people to understand you. Hard enough without movies creating more horrible creations that people take way too seriously.

The world is not very safe for those of us with DID. People need educated. Awareness is greatly needed, so we need to be speaking up. Now here’s my chance, and I’m terrified, but I’m going to do this. Lamb for the slaughter, for all those who can’t have the strength to share their stories, I share mine to raise awareness. I make effort to make a physical change putting my physical body out there, more than just touting on about it on the internet.

We have these movies because it sounds cool that someone could act a bunch of different ways and it kind of scares us that we cannot know what to expect at all times. And people love thrills, so if you’re a person particular to horror, why wouldn’t you think it would be a cool scary story? I’m going to give the world the benefit of the doubt. I’m giving them a chance to use their brains and not be muddied with belief that a fictional movie could EVER be a correct real life representation. I feel it might be possible for someone to be entertained by a movie but know it’s totally false. Also, I believe most people don’t know how real DID is. It’s still a Jeckyll and Hyde fairy tale horror. But if I show them to their face how real we are, in the flesh and blood, they will have no way to avoid what makes them uncomfortable. Most people, when hearing my story, react with compassion. Some are rude and think there is something to argue. There is nothing to argue. I know you cannot see my change, and you not seeing my DID doesn’t matter to me. I have nothing to prove to you. I’m only trying to get better. If I can’t reach you, I discard you, and onto the next one.

Let me be an example to all of us with dissociative identity disorder. Standing up saying we won’t take this anymore. People couldn’t write a movie about a diabetic going on a killing spree eating people because their sugar was low. Why should they be allowed to exaggerate my mental illness in a highly ridiculous way? Maybe there COULD be a “psycho” person with DID out there but I’ve yet to see proof of any who claim it. Most of us are too broken, reliving constant terror of our own, afraid to venture out in the world, much less wreak violent havoc in it. We are afraid of the world being afraid of us. So we hide. I’m showing we can be something more than that though. We can live just like everyone else and our identities don’t have to be anything but just another friend you know.

So, all this said, let me tell you how I am confronting people and showing them a real life *dissociative freak show* in the flesh and blood! (excuse my dark humor, it keeps me alive, laughing at absurdities. ha)

When this movie is released, I’m going to leech off the attention. In the middle of the crowd, I will have posters and my voice addressing those who are on their way to see the “Split” movie. I will shake their hands. I will have whoever of us is present introduce me and themselves. I will hand them a simple neutral informational pamphlet on Dissociative Identity Disorder. I will tell them to enjoy the movie,but remember it’s just entertainment not reality.

I’m going to do another thing that I believe no one else with D.I.D. is ever going to consider. I am going to see the movie too. I’ve said, I feel this is going to be more of a comedy than a horror to me. Laughing at the absurdity. Oh, my dark humor helps me. I know it makes many of you uncomfortable. Yet you have to admit, I’m doing some good things with it. We cannot fully defend ourselves if we don’t know what we are up against. I must force myself to sit through it. I must know what it is, exactly, I am arguing. If laughing gets me through it, then let laughing get me through it.

Judge not, y’all…Suzy says this, my bubbly happy 18 year old who picked up the southern accent of  cousins who grew up in south…See, we aren’t that weird. 😉

Anyway, I’ve commissioned a few of my equally crazy cool comrades to help me make some posters and pass these out. I’m only making posters myself. Was going to make a pamphlet but I’m pressed for time and I found these online on the website Scribd.com, a site you pay for but lets you read a variety of interesting books and access all types of literature, lectures, and even audio books. Some things are free.

I’ve decided to share the link to these flyers I’m passing out. I want anyone to feel free to pick up my cause here, and be brave enough to find a place near the movies to pass these brochures out just like me.

Where I downloaded them from Scribd:

This first link is a brochure that explains a lot of how D.I.D. occurs and how people can help be supportive with what D.I.D. actually is. Uses a great “smashed vase” metaphor as one possibility as well as an “alternate selves” possibility representing who the person would be with each set of memories and experiences each alter has. I like how it even says mostly it’s a blend of the two. It’s how I would describe our personal team’s experience here, a blend of the two. Anyway, informative and positive, check it out, maybe pass it out too?:

“Introducing D.I.D.” brochure

Just to help people better understand, I’m also giving out this pamphlet below, that better explains what just general dissociation is and how people can dissociate without disorders-

“Managing Dissociation” brochure.

Lastly, I want to point out it lists a web address on the actual brochure for the group/person responsible for these brochures, known as The Dissociative Initiative. I support their cause and want to give credit where credit is do along with much accolades for their work. However, the website on the brochure is not an up-to-date web address. It gives you a redirect link on that website to the new one, but let me just give you a shortcut to it:

Check out The Dissociative Initiative on wordpress:

https://di.org.au/

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